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Monday, October 16, 2017

self-regulation

Monday, October 16, 2017
I dont think I have felt such repeated waves of envy and jealousy before in my entire life until this stage.
Well probably in the past I was all alone so nothing really mattered.
Or previously, I could just ignore or pretend nothing happened so I did not feel sour but im often reminded of things nowadays.

I hate how my emotions become so strong so I practise self control by ignoring comments that I do not wish to hear of. And thankfully it works.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Sometimes I feel down :(

Monday, September 11, 2017
Sometimes when Im feeling down
I dont tell you because you are in a happy mood and so what is this nonsensical child's play moodswing of mine. I dont tell you because it seems trivial and that I merely think too much. I dont tell you because you are all busy with other things than to worry about what Im thinking. I dont tell you because you wont understand me and I dont know how to put it into words for you such that I sound sane. I dont tell you because I dont feel like talking.

I have a bf but sometimes I dont tell him too because Im too burdensome and I feel like a mere crybaby. Couples should not feel that way but I feel that way so I wonder.

So I post thought phrases on my facebook.  Afterall not many people see it. At least my fb wall aint all beautiful stories which is a lie.

I want to tell you someday that I wish that you would make me feel important and bring me along to places, meet people, that you are proud to have me to be involved in everything or that my presence might give you confidence; like how I take you on with me in everything I do. I wished that it would be genuine and not just to please me.
I will tell you someday.

I cannot control my anger yet during PMS but I can control my emo.  I will write about it and then feel better. Maybe its monday blues. Maybe its the exams or work.

Bye.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

부족하다

Wednesday, August 30, 2017
부족하다
Insufficient
Not enough
Inadequate.

Today is teachers' day celebration. It was a tiring day for me. Being part of Staff Welfare, we left school at 9am to the lunch venue while everyone else was enjoying the concert in school... I was the usher. Had to direct aunties and uncles up and down the stage. I basically stood at the side of the ballroom for half the lunch waiting for the VIPs to finish their segment and I would direct them back to their seats. I was appointed being the youngest in the team =.=
I was hungry. At the end of lunch, returned to my seat and gobbled down morsels that colleagues kindly scooped for me. Still hungry. Munched on nuts on the bus back to school.

Nope. Not many gifts and cards this year. I aint Ms Popular. Was popular back in Year 1. Now Im Year 3. Probably a jaded boring teacher in the eyes of the students. Only the sec 4s showed much love. I dont know. Every batch differs I guess. This year there were merely several notes from specific students. The rest? Especially my form class whom I only teach CCE... :/ Is it that Ik not good enough as their teacher?

Most inspiring... most caring... team player... individual contributions... none of that. My peers went on stage! Newbies and batchies. I do not have abilities like them. Instead, I struggled, not with teaching but with syllabus and exam papers and managing myself for much of this year. Not so much of teaching. Other teachers are well loved by their students. They have the charisma. I dont. I teach the way I am. Animated, jovial, serious, persistent - me.

So today I wonder whether I have had too high expectations of myself. Maybe I should aim lower. I put in A LOT of effort for tasks that I am assigned. Probably the tasks were too minute to impact sufficiently.
1
To be honest, I felt insignificant today. Ushering the VIPs which was redundant. Disappearing from school but no one really knew anyway. Im just behind the scenes. Wearing a sparkly star on my shirt which was afterall, inadequate; merely garnered stares on the bus and from my form class early in the morning. Anticipated more notes from faces I have come to know but did not.

Are there teachers in the midst who have just been doing their part but never got recognised in their entire career? Maybe keeping low key but maintaining a stable career is sufficient for them. I could be like that.
But what will happen to my goals to climb high to prove myself and to lead?

You know, work has been increasingly tough, I cry at least once every semester. I dont know how to manage work, relationship, family time and more importantly, personal time.  Stressful times make me easily agitated and more sensitive to comments and actions. Frequent bouts of temper and bf might lose confidence in me as a partner. I no longer meet with my friends.

But I like my school and colleagues and my job, still.

How should I proceed from here?

TL;DR: Today, I felt inadequate as a teacher.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

goldfish me

Sunday, August 20, 2017
Cant breathe.
Cant see. The text messages seem to have tails extending from each alphabet. Goldfish eyes.
Tomorrow I will look like a goldfsh at work. :(

Its so difficult handling my work and life.
I have given up a lot like my PERSONAL time. Forgo-ed dates, cut down on paktor durations. Skipped exercise sessions. Most of all, Sundays are NOTfamily days. Sundays are work days. I coop myself up and try to accomplish all that I am required to for the week. I do not have time to go out with my parents while they go on their dates.  I cannot bring mum out. I cannot go to Mustafa with mum. I cannot bring them to JB to try banana cake. I did not visit my relatives. I did not meet my friends. I AM SO SAD.

It is an episode of overwhelmed.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Speed Typing too.

Friday, August 11, 2017
While everyone is posting engagement photos and rings and flowers on FB they indeed look sooooo pretty and Im envious Butttttt
Here i am struggling to mark and mark and squeeze out exam questions from my little brain and worrying how my students will fare in the exams which will undeniably affect my life and my career and learning to master the art of speed marking with ultimate focus of will and determination in my daily crooked sitting postures. Exercise time can wait.
Oh my life.


Thursday, August 3, 2017

Chronicles of Ms Yeo

Thursday, August 3, 2017
I have very high expectations of myself.
Things I do must be efficient and perfect - to my standards.
I am not a perfectionist. As long as it is done well and does not tarnish my image at
work, Im fine.

But today, I learnt of a mistake Ive made early in the morning.  It had been a stressful night, panicking about ThursDAY and then early at 730am, I learnt of my mistake in the test paper that I have set and I was ultra embarassed and apoloegetic.
I made a mistake. In a test paper which was over. So the students had panicked in class and a senior teacher came to tell me my boo-boo.
A forgivable mistake, they said. But still.
I made a mistake.
If not for the morning bell
Which summoned me to the parade square for daily singing of the nation and attire checks like a policewoman, I would have cried. Eyes red like tomatoes.

HOD told me before that if I wanted to attain my aspirations, I cannot make mistakes. Especially in the exams.

I have tried very hard
To be the best that i can be.
(Sounds like my alma mater's motto.)
To maintain my track record but then I made a mistake and its made known.
AY who seemed to be so dignified and confident of her ways.

I think my disappointment was written all over my face along with my apologetic email which made the senior teachers worry. They came to me to encourage me and affirm me that it is totally alright, as it was a genuine mistake everyone else might have made...

It is my personal expectations to do well and this incident made me feel lousy.
Felt like I let myself down.
It was a terrible morning.

ThursDAY eventually became better.

I still hold my hopes high but I cannot make such silly mistakes ever again.

It has been a difficult week.
Do you know how hard I work?


I think putting in effort to tune my mindset for each day and dateline is the toughest part of it all.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Big-Head

Sunday, July 23, 2017
Some nights just feel like #reflectionnights haha

I try hard to construct self-confidence. I know that in order to succeed, face isnt everything so while schooling, I beefed up courage to speak and be good, feel positive about myself.
But sometimes, comparisons easily tear whatever you have built apart and you feel inferior.lousy.the underdog. all over again.
Praise vs. Affirmation
We need both praise and affirmation to help build a healthy self-image. Here is the difference: Praise is a positive statement about your behavior. You did something well. Affirmation is approval for just being.
So I was thinking abit too hard getting myself confused and you wonder why? Haha.
"Praise is a positive statement about your behavior. You did something well." 
I think it is okay to praise myself; I do so often, to feel confident, smart, worthwhile, important and ... useful, maybe.  Even for little trivial acts or decisions that I have made. Well, #positiveeducation, they advocate in school...

So, irregardless of whether it would make me proud or arrogant.
If I deserve those words, it would be nice to hear them, isnt it? :)
Because, you could have been the only other being to know of it, other than me, myself and I.
and maybe, praises from you would have been more impactful?

But whatever I have constructed is very vulnerable.

Tonight, I also learnt that affirmation is more than what has been frequently practiced. Maybe teachers would understand this more than others as we often practise it. The affirmations that I have received arent this way every time-
Google is awesome.  https://awidersunrise.wordpress.com/2012/12/30/praise-vs-affirmation/

P.S. Since secondary school, I recall friends calling me big-head too. Was it Lam? haha

On a sidenote, I admit that sometimes I feel jittery like as though time is running out!!! because of all the things I hear from others. But no what.
Sighs.
Too complex for my fish brain to rationalise.

Have faith in Me, and Us.
Always drilling this mantra into my head to battle with spurts of tiny trivial doubts.

힘들어.
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