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Wednesday, June 20, 2018

unlike.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Nowadays, I cry a lot.
I cry when Im super stressed.
I cry when I cannot handle family relations.
I cry when relationship is difficult.
I cry when im trembling in the cold. haha

But the point is that school makes me cry so much whenever I cannot cope and feel like the world is against me and there are gargantuan tasks that I ought to accomplish which is far to arduous for me to manage :( and times like this, recently, when I cry, I cry till I tremble and shake, uncontrollably unstoppable. and then my nose gets blocked up entirely I gotta breathe through my mouth Im so afraid that I would faint from suffocation.  But most of the time, these episodes occur when I recount the incidences to Kelven so at least he knows Im still alive.

I dont like my job anymore. The cycle that repeats and repeats. The tears every semester when I have tried my best but there is minimal progress. The sacrifices that I have made. Sacrifices. Nothing major.
Just my personal well-being. Alone time. Dating time to strengthen the relationship with Kelven and bonding time with my family. All of which are significant to me.

Setting exam papers and marking exam papers are the greatest hurdles in my career. This itself makes me consider quitting all the time. I dont mind giving up if I can get back all of my above. I feel like my enthusiasm and motivation is extinguishing by the term, by the semester. Thankful for the JUne holidays where I can breathe.

I think continuing will give me depression.


Sunday, June 3, 2018

Half a year MORE.

Sunday, June 3, 2018
Yesterday, I attended a wedding with JX.  Because JX was one of the brothers, it felt like the entire sequence was a blur and vrooooommm lunch has ended and the bride and groom shook hands to thank each guest with gratitude for gracing their big day.

Somehow, the day has been so hectic, it felt like, the day was peppered with such grandeur and intricacies, with the aim of satisfying guests and making guests feel pampered, on top of the good food. Do the couple themselves enjoy the day? I dont know. Im just wondering.
Of course, touching speeches made me cry. I think thats the most dreadful part of any wedding.  I think I will breakdown and turn around and end up sobbing ugly-ly. 

I love to imagine, the good or mostly bad that might happen :p with great foresight haha!
I dont like cliche stuff. I dont want a from child to married montage. I dont fancy a room of florals. Too girly for me. I dont like bare shoulder wedding dresses... I imagine this and that that I would have preferred... I do things the way I LIKE IT haha. Or maybe afterall, scaredy cats will eventually follow the masses... lol.

Things are better now. I have a breather this hols. Although I gotta mull over exam papers ONCE AGAIN this month. Period came. Im going over the seas.
June has arrived. Half a year is over. and yet, none of my resolutions have been fulfilled thus far. haha.

Im still learning to grapple with many things. At work. In my relationship and adulting.

Just a reflective Sunday.

Have a good June, you who is reading :)


Saturday, May 26, 2018

things-go-wrong-one-after-another-kind-of-day

Saturday, May 26, 2018
This week, I walked my month's worth of exercise accumulated from marking the entire month. Just walked on and on.
Then the thought crossed my mind how it would feel if one doesnt talk. Actually, oddly, it felt quite surreal / serene? Haha idk how exactly to describe. Not having to know whether your thoughts would affect others or how others might think of you... sometimes phrasing words or working out a conversation itself is complicated. I think of students with selective mutism... probably its alright...? Crazy you. Im scared that I'll be reprimanded for saying this. And then I imagine a specific situation where I might experience this personally and how devastating it may be to relationships.

Today, I was quiet for long because I couldnt come to terms with one issue after another. Its like things-go-wrong-one-after-another-kind-of-day. Accompanied by my sadness or sulkiness and tears.

I was told that I harp too long over trivial matters.

I am a difficult person to deal with especially for my emotional needs. On the surface i am easy going but once you know me well enough, you require a certain High level of EQ, patience and empathy to decipher me.

Today I tried but i was unhappy for half a day and the fact that I Cannot and Do Not Know how to make myself feel better, made me cry in despair. I thought of the places I could go to, or the things that I can do... but I think crying it out was the best solution. However, crying renders me so tired and emotionally drained. And goldfish eyes.

Sometimes I feel that I have so many problems, Im terrible.

Nonsensical thoughts, worries and whirlwind of emotions, do I still share them? What if its too much to handle? Then I would end up blogging about it...

I have messed up hormones.

I feel lousy today.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Bring it on~

Wednesday, May 16, 2018
I think Ive wandered in the shadows of others, people say.
Situations affect me and make me feel burdened. When others feel miserable, I experience empathy and sadness.

Always caught in the middle. Am always the middleman. But what to do as Im the only one.

Sometimes i desire to be free like these personalities. Be it genuine or not on social media... Too long since I have felt happy, courageous and ready to take on the world, just like them?

Just going with the flow.
I think this is the age I wonder what Im doing with my life. Most people feel this way at quarter age. Im 2 years late. Late in progress, as usual. But no harm kinda lateness.

What should I do to enjoy what I enjoy?
Dont know if what im saying makes sense haha.

There. Just like these people.
I dont even have the dare to take cool photos like this ha...


Saturday, May 5, 2018

the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. Have you heard of it?

Saturday, May 5, 2018
Recently, the self-fulfilling prophecy has eaten me.  I never knew that this phenomenon existed until BF told me about it and accurately 'diagnosed' me with it.  He has learnt about it in Psych classes in Uni and could accurately pinpoint me having this condition. So clever! Or that I exhibit them too prominently.

It means that I preempt negative situations which have yet to happen to make myself feel better if it indeed takes place in the future.  In the past, I called this being prepared for what's to come.
But I now realised that this pessimism is eating me and sort of disrupting my life and relationships.

I have many doubts.  I dont trust people easily.  I am worried about things that might happen.  It might be my family situations that make me fear what might replay in the future.  A friend, S, said that my pessimism is too much. But he is known for being overly-optimistic.  Haha.  First time having such a friend.

But my pessimism is getting a little outta control.  At this stage where I am progressing into another stage of life soon... I worry that things wont work out.  I worry that BF might change and become another person that I would not imagine.  I wonder how we will be in the future.

Unfounded worries and thoughts.  But.  Isnt it better if I were to know now, instead of later on and then regret my actions?  But.  Nobody will ever know.

The self-fulfilling prophecy can strain relationships.

So am I supposed to make myself feel positive from now?

They say, just dont worry about things that are not happening.

Okay, I'll try.

Oh!  How to have faith?  I have asked this several times already.  But actually I still dont know the way to.

Nonetheless, I'll try.  So please do not disappoint me.  And help me to believe and trust in
you, all of you.


TBH, this FB post got me thinking whoaaaaa... finally how I used to feel is being justified! :D
Such precious words.

All's well, as of now. :)

- AY

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Simple Plan's Perfect

Sunday, April 1, 2018
Back in our era where english pop was hapz, remember Simple Plan's Perfect? haha.

Today, I just wondered if not putting in 100% was alright. Not submitting a perfect piece of work is alright? But I a certain that this piece of work has been 90% or 95% my brainjuice, sweat and tears.

So I edited the ENTIRE paper and I know it is not perfect. Especially for 1 question. I left it as that and went off to relax on this Sunday afternoon.
Is it okay to submit a piece of work knowing that it is not your 100%?
I used to be a high achiever, but never a perfectionist. And as I grow older, I learnt that my personal well-being is of utmost importance. So I left my workdesk.

Today, I still detest this entire repeated process as much. But the fact is that I am just a Year 3, and my maiden Sec 4 hundred mark exam paper. I think it is justifiable to have submitted that shitty standard of draft number 1? But do others think this way? Do my superiors demand more from me? Do they have greater expectations of me?

I am learning. It is a steep and DREADED learning curve. I think it is okay to make mistakes. Haha. Its funny but I on almost on the verge of forgoing my personal goals of any future leadership roles. Just let me waddle in my current workload. Heh.

It is Week 3 tmr! 4 more weeks to exams! Hang in there AY and you, who is reading my blog :)


Monday, March 26, 2018

MONDAY BLEH

Monday, March 26, 2018
Some things cannot be shared on FB. So I have to blog it. As though to blog is an adverb haha.
Today I bawled at my enclosed desk. And when I recounted the day at home with mum, I broke down twice more.
Nothing serious.
Just felt like I have really tried very hard to set the exam paper but it turned out to be of a shitty standard. Senior teachers asked "What happened, Anna? This isnt your usual standard."
What has that got to say, other than the paper being super disastrous.

I have really squeezed out all my brain juice. I worked SO HARD. When other teachers go on sch HOLIDAYS, each of my holidays has been spent coaching students, setting exam papers and planning for the term ahead. Every evening, every sat morning, every sunday which is meant to be Family Day, is spent Doing Work.
Theres even official duties on Sat mornings. S.A.T. Marking. Marking. Admin. Marking. Admin. Is this a 24/7; 7days a week job?
Why do I work so hard?  I often resort to sacrificing paktor as much as Im not supposed to.
Why do I work so hard. And try so hard. And feel like Im not doing what I enjoy anymore. I dont hate it.
But today made me realise that setting exam papers is the bane of my career and I cannot keep doing this years down the road. EVERY SINGLE exam paper setting period makes me break down at least once. Last year, my body took a toll and my female bodily mechanism went haywire. Why. Oh why.

This is a heart job. Hard job. I can give less homework. I can chase students less. I can give myself 10x more slack. Then. What is the ethical purpose of the role of a teacher?

Today, I really want to quit my job. Today, I look forward to 2 more months in June. Today, I thought about what other careers I may love.

I have come to know that my intellect is at its limit. I cant craft any better papers. Yes I know it comes with experience. But I cannot take it anymore. Maybe it is this school. But I really detest this entire repated cycle. Which is not healthy. I get angry so often too I feel the blood gushing to my face. It is unhealthy.  I need to care for my personal well-being.

I realised that I dont love this job.  I want to get married and have kids and settle down and have a reason to not slog away at this career.  Yet. I feel that I have not learnt enough to call it quits. It has only been 3 years. But this workload is making me detest everything about it.

Mum was so concerned, she bought me teh to go with beloved cai fan at the coffeeshop.
Humble simple warm comfort.

Today I realised that certain issues and sentences make me tear immediately.
Such as
"Why am I working so hard?"
"I have really tried my best" and
"Leaving mum and dad"... etc.
I can be okay, calmed down but when these sentences surface or trespass my mind, the tear gates unleash.

Sorry for whining and Thank You for reading.

AY just needed to sort out my thoughts.
It was a dreadful Monday.
I think Monday Blues are real.
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