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Thursday, August 9, 2018

080818

Thursday, August 9, 2018
First of all, Im so confused about the whirlwind that took place..
I know that only 2 people whom I bother about still read my blog so Im not afraid of sharing all my thoughts.  But also, a part of me wonders what will happen when blogger dies one day... maybe I should print out all my postings.

As you know, Im very expressive. and Emotional.  Especially right in the midst of my period cycle. Haha.
Yesterday, I said Yes to Kelven.  It was our 3rd year anniversary.  And he decided that it was the right day to make it a milestone in history of JXAY.  A part of me did guess.  But an equal part of me did not hope or anticipate intentionally, lest I get disappointed again by harbouring any form of expectations or false hopes.  And then as the day drew near, I became scared.  Or apprehensive is the word.  I hoped that it would not take place, because Im not certain how I was going to deal with the things to come.  How people who matter to me would respond to it.  And my self-confidence.

Dad and mum seemed too calm.  They already knew beforehand but I can sense that mum has been trying to come to terms with it.  She made it sound like it is just an engagement.  Make until so big and serious for what?  We still have to be cautious and behave and stuff...  I was surprised that mum didnt give any advice or seek for kelven to do certain things to handle her daughter's character.
Since dad and mum treated it like... no big deal; I wonder whether I should water down my confusion or excitement or inner euphoria.  They didnt seem as Happy or as exuberant as acquaintances on social media.  What an irony.  Got me confused as to how I should view this engagement?  Should I be over the moon?  Cos Ive decided to stick to someone forever???????  Just like always, felt like I ought to manage my excitement.

So I came to recall that I dont express myself much at home.  I am serious, independent AY at home.  Outside, I can behave carefree and childish or kiddy and display my likes and dislikes and be real.  Especially towards my partner.  And probably in class where I teach with full of expressions.

Anyway.
Something happened this morning that made me even more confused and maybe even teared.  I asked JX if today felt any different from any other day.  And it seems as if being engaged is just a status, no legal regulations, merely from being gf-bf to a more advanced level to discuss about marriage, family and settling down.  Felt like something my mum would say...
I think JX answered it wrongly.  But my bubble burst-ed and everything just had to return to normality.  No more spazzing over the number of acquaintances who know the news and clicked Like.  No more sharing excitedly over Whatsapp replies. 
I think the entire whirlwind of events had been much more significant to me.  Its a commitment to each other that we have to be Present for one another.  A commitment that you have chosen me and me, You.  A commitment to show that we are ready to partake in BIGGER adult decisions.
I was so disappointed because at that moment,
I realised the significance of that proposal to me and the entire engagement frenzy.  Its my first time, I dont know how I should react to the event and how I should feel; but that was how it mattered to me.  But my bubble burst and I have to diffuse the big thoughts, 1 day right after.
I have no intentions of making anyone feel bad.
Just putting words to my emotions and once again, I get so confused.

How was I supposed to behave or react to this?

Saturday, August 4, 2018

motivation

Saturday, August 4, 2018
Some thoughts from Week 6 that are waiting to be worded and pondered upon.

At a course this week, we were asked "What is the happiest thing that you have experienced recently?"
In truest truth and honesty, I couldnt think of any.

Not that I aint happy this entire period of time, but rather, I have kept my life in a state of consistency and routine, the best way that I can manage life; and I think im coping well thus far.
Nothing that made me exclaim or jump in joy or smile super widely but just, life's simple pleasures.
Although my response to my colleague sounded pathetic. Haha!

Today, I realised that intrinsic motivation is very powerful and significant to me.  For me, words of afirmation or encouragements that I receive have minimal impact.  Ultimately, it is me myself who has to rise up and deal with the issue and handle it myself and I.
So the previous night, I do not know what struck me that I went to search for some tumblr picture quotes of the words that I have INSIDE MY HEAD. and printed them out Today in school! Heehee.
I felt happy doing it - printing, cutting and decorating my workdesk.
And these are words that I think would help me tide through difficult times, and words that hold true to me.



On hindsight, BF told me the exact statement before. To 'take it easy'. But it didnt resonate in me at all until today. When I learnt that I NEEDED THIS. and then SEARCHED for the phrase and PLACED IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

It worked! I was less annoyed while marking horribly done test papers.  I was more lax with myself.  Took things one breath slower.

I think its working!

Another colleague who noticed the black speech bubble commented that he admired me for my convictions and I suppose, my guts to display such a statement at my desk.

Interesting comment!  It is my desk and I display what represents me.  I hold the belief that if I have done my best and fulfilled my duties, I have nothing to hide.
I think Im strong headed this way.
Sometimes while walking home, I wonder if I am too FULL OF MYSELF.
I hope people around me will continue to remind me to be grounded and humble when I get carried away.

Also, another colleague commented that my highest character value of 'Judegment' ffrom a viacharactersurvey was not suitable for me.  He said that I was too young to be judegmental.  People my age should have curiosity, to be adventurous and try new things and seize opportunities.  Older people who have gained more life experiences would then be judgemental in life.
Judgemental in the sense that I can evaluate situations well, make the right decisions and form firm opinions.
Felt a tinge offended.
I think that it is a value that not many people might have, and if my decision would not affect anyone (such as causing people to be upset), I think that it is a good decision and I know my priorities exceptionally well.  Would not trade it for something else.

That's all.  My sleepy thoughts for Week 6.
Next week is exciting! :D

Tata~

P.S. Still broke out in tears again this Term / Semester 😢 over the bane of my career - exam papers. But coping much better than in the past. Theres an improvement! 😃

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

unlike.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Nowadays, I cry a lot.
I cry when Im super stressed.
I cry when I cannot handle family relations.
I cry when relationship is difficult.
I cry when im trembling in the cold. haha

But the point is that school makes me cry so much whenever I cannot cope and feel like the world is against me and there are gargantuan tasks that I ought to accomplish which is far to arduous for me to manage :( and times like this, recently, when I cry, I cry till I tremble and shake, uncontrollably unstoppable. and then my nose gets blocked up entirely I gotta breathe through my mouth Im so afraid that I would faint from suffocation.  But most of the time, these episodes occur when I recount the incidences to Kelven so at least he knows Im still alive.

I dont like my job anymore. The cycle that repeats and repeats. The tears every semester when I have tried my best but there is minimal progress. The sacrifices that I have made. Sacrifices. Nothing major.
Just my personal well-being. Alone time. Dating time to strengthen the relationship with Kelven and bonding time with my family. All of which are significant to me.

Setting exam papers and marking exam papers are the greatest hurdles in my career. This itself makes me consider quitting all the time. I dont mind giving up if I can get back all of my above. I feel like my enthusiasm and motivation is extinguishing by the term, by the semester. Thankful for the JUne holidays where I can breathe.

I think continuing will give me depression.


Sunday, June 3, 2018

Half a year MORE.

Sunday, June 3, 2018
Yesterday, I attended a wedding with JX.  Because JX was one of the brothers, it felt like the entire sequence was a blur and vrooooommm lunch has ended and the bride and groom shook hands to thank each guest with gratitude for gracing their big day.

Somehow, the day has been so hectic, it felt like, the day was peppered with such grandeur and intricacies, with the aim of satisfying guests and making guests feel pampered, on top of the good food. Do the couple themselves enjoy the day? I dont know. Im just wondering.
Of course, touching speeches made me cry. I think thats the most dreadful part of any wedding.  I think I will breakdown and turn around and end up sobbing ugly-ly. 

I love to imagine, the good or mostly bad that might happen :p with great foresight haha!
I dont like cliche stuff. I dont want a from child to married montage. I dont fancy a room of florals. Too girly for me. I dont like bare shoulder wedding dresses... I imagine this and that that I would have preferred... I do things the way I LIKE IT haha. Or maybe afterall, scaredy cats will eventually follow the masses... lol.

Things are better now. I have a breather this hols. Although I gotta mull over exam papers ONCE AGAIN this month. Period came. Im going over the seas.
June has arrived. Half a year is over. and yet, none of my resolutions have been fulfilled thus far. haha.

Im still learning to grapple with many things. At work. In my relationship and adulting.

Just a reflective Sunday.

Have a good June, you who is reading :)


Saturday, May 26, 2018

things-go-wrong-one-after-another-kind-of-day

Saturday, May 26, 2018
This week, I walked my month's worth of exercise accumulated from marking the entire month. Just walked on and on.
Then the thought crossed my mind how it would feel if one doesnt talk. Actually, oddly, it felt quite surreal / serene? Haha idk how exactly to describe. Not having to know whether your thoughts would affect others or how others might think of you... sometimes phrasing words or working out a conversation itself is complicated. I think of students with selective mutism... probably its alright...? Crazy you. Im scared that I'll be reprimanded for saying this. And then I imagine a specific situation where I might experience this personally and how devastating it may be to relationships.

Today, I was quiet for long because I couldnt come to terms with one issue after another. Its like things-go-wrong-one-after-another-kind-of-day. Accompanied by my sadness or sulkiness and tears.

I was told that I harp too long over trivial matters.

I am a difficult person to deal with especially for my emotional needs. On the surface i am easy going but once you know me well enough, you require a certain High level of EQ, patience and empathy to decipher me.

Today I tried but i was unhappy for half a day and the fact that I Cannot and Do Not Know how to make myself feel better, made me cry in despair. I thought of the places I could go to, or the things that I can do... but I think crying it out was the best solution. However, crying renders me so tired and emotionally drained. And goldfish eyes.

Sometimes I feel that I have so many problems, Im terrible.

Nonsensical thoughts, worries and whirlwind of emotions, do I still share them? What if its too much to handle? Then I would end up blogging about it...

I have messed up hormones.

I feel lousy today.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Bring it on~

Wednesday, May 16, 2018
I think Ive wandered in the shadows of others, people say.
Situations affect me and make me feel burdened. When others feel miserable, I experience empathy and sadness.

Always caught in the middle. Am always the middleman. But what to do as Im the only one.

Sometimes i desire to be free like these personalities. Be it genuine or not on social media... Too long since I have felt happy, courageous and ready to take on the world, just like them?

Just going with the flow.
I think this is the age I wonder what Im doing with my life. Most people feel this way at quarter age. Im 2 years late. Late in progress, as usual. But no harm kinda lateness.

What should I do to enjoy what I enjoy?
Dont know if what im saying makes sense haha.

There. Just like these people.
I dont even have the dare to take cool photos like this ha...


Saturday, May 5, 2018

the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. Have you heard of it?

Saturday, May 5, 2018
Recently, the self-fulfilling prophecy has eaten me.  I never knew that this phenomenon existed until BF told me about it and accurately 'diagnosed' me with it.  He has learnt about it in Psych classes in Uni and could accurately pinpoint me having this condition. So clever! Or that I exhibit them too prominently.

It means that I preempt negative situations which have yet to happen to make myself feel better if it indeed takes place in the future.  In the past, I called this being prepared for what's to come.
But I now realised that this pessimism is eating me and sort of disrupting my life and relationships.

I have many doubts.  I dont trust people easily.  I am worried about things that might happen.  It might be my family situations that make me fear what might replay in the future.  A friend, S, said that my pessimism is too much. But he is known for being overly-optimistic.  Haha.  First time having such a friend.

But my pessimism is getting a little outta control.  At this stage where I am progressing into another stage of life soon... I worry that things wont work out.  I worry that BF might change and become another person that I would not imagine.  I wonder how we will be in the future.

Unfounded worries and thoughts.  But.  Isnt it better if I were to know now, instead of later on and then regret my actions?  But.  Nobody will ever know.

The self-fulfilling prophecy can strain relationships.

So am I supposed to make myself feel positive from now?

They say, just dont worry about things that are not happening.

Okay, I'll try.

Oh!  How to have faith?  I have asked this several times already.  But actually I still dont know the way to.

Nonetheless, I'll try.  So please do not disappoint me.  And help me to believe and trust in
you, all of you.


TBH, this FB post got me thinking whoaaaaa... finally how I used to feel is being justified! :D
Such precious words.

All's well, as of now. :)

- AY

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