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Saturday, November 18, 2017

Saturday, November 18, 2017
Im sorry that this blog sorta became my outlet for unhappy things, whiny things, stories of conflicts, worries and chronicles of AY.

Today was the 2nd unhappiest date in my entire life. Haha. Entire life...
K and I both got too tired to talk things out.
Today I witnessed firsthand, the harsh things and harsh words people commit when they are angry.
Im sorry for my actions too.
I was honestly, very excited thinking that we were starting to plan for our next phase of our relationship. I was very much looking forward to.
But circumstances threw us off guard.

I have my flaws too. A lot of it that have never surfaced before.
Just now, I merely asked a question but the answer I received wasn't convincing...
So then again,
Will you be able to love me despite these issues, and more, about me in the future?

I will think carefully too.

The fact is that my family and this relationship are my sole motivation to work hard and strive for the better.

2021. How old will I be? Haha cant imagine.

It was a terrible day.


Friday, November 17, 2017

dont do anything

Friday, November 17, 2017
im afraid to dream or imagine anymore
in case of disenchantment

it was easier handling thoughts and myself back then.

Related image

it's the last day of school
i took uber home which costed $3
cos I was carrying too much

got work to complete, nat geo to read and attempt to gain intellect and watch dramas to kill time
will make up for lost time at home



Thursday, November 9, 2017

Vertical.

Thursday, November 9, 2017
Forgot to bring home my earphones.

First time being a Sec 3 Form Teacher, dealing with adolescent woes or, childish antics.
First time doing Staff Welfare. Monthly liasons and coordinations to be made.
First time handling talented kids in Talent Management. Got to level up with them.
First time teaching Graduation Cohort. It was Arduous and Tedious and how do u describe in English - gek sim (erm.....) requires gargantuan Heart-work to not give up along the way together with them.
First time being the Open House IC for my dept. Made mistakes. Tried my best. Could have done it better.

It was DIFFICULT.

Thats why I treated myself now and then. Pampered myself with my favourite food, junk food, health foods. Thats why things took a toll on my body and period became irregular which stresses me out EVEN MORE.

Somehow, each mistake that I made makes me feel lousy. I am an achiever and I could have done better. I have high expectations of myself.

It has been a difficult year. I will do better the next time round.

Today I wanted to eat Yakun eggs but the shop wasnt ready yet. I ate Macs for lunch only at 3pm and got a tummyache. I worked very hard at booth prep but boss said she was disappointed. My laptop stopped working. Think PC got burned out and went haywire. Requires massive rehaul. Had to use the common PC. At such a crucial time.

Boss said that this year has been a steep learning curve for me. After today, I think that it is a vertical one instead.

Tmr will be a better day. Cos its Friday.
Haiz.

Monday, October 23, 2017

Whirlwind whirlpool hurricane

Monday, October 23, 2017
Never experienced so many episodes of whirlwind of emotions before I was attached.
Makes me upset when small hiccups occur but nevertheless affects me so much due to whatever strong emotions. Because the relationship matters to me.
Its difficult.
Make me feel better all the time, soon enough.


Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Public Holidays

Wednesday, October 18, 2017
On free days on holidays on weekends
There are friends of mine who will never fail to be out bonding with their partner. Every.single.unoccupied.day.

But for me on free days some days are gazetted rest days. These days, I just want to recuperate and replenish my lost energy, spend some time with my parents and go out for a simple meal together. I think these moments are diminishing hence too few and very precious.

How did you spend your public holiday today?
I spent the entire day reading National Geographic! And went out with parents to eat bony fish head soup at the food court haha ☺


Monday, October 16, 2017

self-regulation

Monday, October 16, 2017
I dont think I have felt such repeated waves of envy and jealousy before in my entire life until this stage.
Well probably in the past I was all alone so nothing really mattered.
Or previously, I could just ignore or pretend nothing happened so I did not feel sour but im often reminded of things nowadays.

I hate how my emotions become so strong so I practise self control by ignoring comments and not reply. Just because I do not wish to.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Sometimes I feel down :(

Monday, September 11, 2017
Sometimes when Im feeling down
I dont tell you because you are in a happy mood and so what is this nonsensical child's play moodswing of mine. I dont tell you because it seems trivial and that I merely think too much. I dont tell you because you are all busy with other things than to worry about what Im thinking. I dont tell you because you wont understand me and I dont know how to put it into words for you such that I sound sane. I dont tell you because I dont feel like talking.

I have a bf but sometimes I dont tell him too because Im too burdensome and I feel like a mere crybaby. Couples should not feel that way but I feel that way so I wonder.

So I post thought phrases on my facebook.  Afterall not many people see it. At least my fb wall aint all beautiful stories which is a lie.

I want to tell you someday that I wish that you would make me feel important and bring me along to places, meet people, that you are proud to have me to be involved in everything or that my presence might give you confidence; like how I take you on with me in everything I do. I wished that it would be genuine and not just to please me.
I will tell you someday.

I cannot control my anger yet during PMS but I can control my emo.  I will write about it and then feel better. Maybe its monday blues. Maybe its the exams or work.

Bye.

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