Wednesday, February 21, 2018

How far would you go?

Wednesday, February 21, 2018
So within a day today, I have come across two FB articles about an 'active' shooting Drill that took place in the States in Febraury. American teachers recounted their thoughts, actions and fears.
Would teachers have to take the forefront to protect the lil ones, sacrificing their own lives in the course of doing so? So the student asked what if the teacher got shot, what would they do? What should they do?
Nobody knows the answer. Im perplexed. If i fail to protect them with my life, wouldnt parents regret leaving the kid in THIS school under the charge of THIS teacher? I dont think im befitting of this title as a teacher then.
That's if I reflect morally.

How far would you go?
To be very honest, I will do my best to secure the classroom and minimise dangers however, I will not jump in front of the bullet. I stand by my excuse, if it seems so to you, that I have to live for and care for the people I love. I have tasks undone. I have to look after my aging parents. I might have a family to provide for. With many people waiting for me, do I still have to sacrifice myself for Another's child?
This is an ethical dilemma.

I think, people take things for granted nowadays. I recalled teaching about earthquakes and how the Mt Kinabalu earthquake caused rockfall and killed SG students. My student exclaimed that The Teacher should have jumped out to cover the students and protect them!
After that lesson, Im aghast. How the teacher's life was deemed as disposable. Today at work, a colleague scoffed that shooting would never occur in SG (because we are strict), and why would they even come to ZHSS. Im slightly perturbed.
Yes a shooting might not occur but sth of a smaller scale might take place. Isnt it better to be safe than sorry?

During my school's lockdown drill, many thoughts crossed my mind. Sec 4 class in first floor with windows on both sides of the classroom. HOW???!!! So I instructed them to hide under the desk using their chairs as a shield, facing outwards towards both sides of the windows. Just in case, shooting occurs, there might be another fragile line of defense. It was both very exciting and apprehensive moments before the drill occurred. Tell me, what's a better solution than a drill?

Too much thoughts from today. How committed as a teacher are you? How much would you sacrifice, how far would you go? What's in the job scope of a teacher?

:( its perplexing.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

AY the Emoji.

Saturday, February 10, 2018
Okay its reflections day again! Haha I think students dread hearing the word 'reflections'. :p

It has been 30 months in my first and only relationship.  Things have been difficult this year. Prolly the differences between us have surfaced and we have to deal with them all. And the need to face all these trouble soon so that future plans in the making can materialise.

In today's episode, I learnt that
I cannot proclaim that 'I know that' and 'I told you already' anymore. Sobs. These two phrases are merely my truthful responses and thoughts but I will have to censor them now. Sighs. So difficult.
Maybe I should not have been that truthful in my words.
Secondly, I am confused about an act. I cannot accept to be pushed however lightly in fits of anger ever again. To be honest, I am unsure if I am against it because I discovered that it may be a deal breaker for me OR rather, just the fact that the act isnt right in any interactions. I dont think I will cry. I think I might end up retaliating and it becomes a typical drama episode. haha.
Regardless, some things have been imprinted in me. Im blogging about it to remember it because I have never felt and experienced this before. A part of me is wary that as time goes by, there might be more angry incidences and actions may intensify. Nudges my decisions once in awhile. Its frustrating.

I asked people, How much time do they need to reset their emotions?
I need a lot of time to reset my frequent episodes of whirlwind emotions. Sighs. But I dont have much time.

I think sometimes I just shouldnt say too much, be overly expressive and gotta regulate my actions. Its tedious being me... Haiz.

Haha. Havent had the need to change myself in a long long while. How?

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Sam Willows is singing my song.

Thursday, February 1, 2018
What do people do, when things become too difficult to handle?
Im so tired. Its too difficult. Its sucking all my evening energy after work.
I think we are in some sorta trouble...

My life has been a constant. Family. Work. Goals. Saturdates. hmmm. Nat Geo?
So when things happen, I take much time to switch gears and settle down. I take it hard too, btw.
Because changes tilt my life like a unbalanced balancing scale.

There's so much that I need to think about and every evening seems like a dread this week...
It would have been better being busy at school to keep my mind off things.
Its so difficult.

That night, I was overwhelmed and sobbed so much I woke up the next morning contemplating to take MC cos of my puffy goldfish eyes. You didnt know that, did you?
I massaged my eye with great pressure to depuff it. And it was class phototaking day haha... but whatever la.

You can doubt me. But dont make me doubt myself. I think things through very deeply what I desire. Like how I make several trips and take days to decide on purchasing a piece of clothing.

Recently, I plucked up my lazy ass to resume my workouts. Today's workout was quite intense. I was annoyed that mum shook my beloved bottle of kueh bolu snack so now its full of crumbs. So angry in the moment. But after a (long) while, I think back and its like whatever, forget it. But the gist is that. I get angry and very angry in the moment of situations. I get angry for a reasonable amount of time. Sleep usually extinguishes it.
Oh I digressed. Back to workouts. I wonder why I force myself to workout so dreadfully at times. I could just relax at home and pamper myself with rest.  Maybe, I needed to keep in shape so that I will still be loved by others. So that I can fit into pretty AY style clothes and feel good, make others good beside me too. AY style clothes - needed to colour this term to empahsize that my style is different from them all. So superficial, these thoughts I know. But they could be true...

Too difficult to even approach our issues and open a whatsapp chat. Am I escaping? But Im so tired.

Sam Willows is singing my song.

Monday, December 25, 2017

End of 2017

Monday, December 25, 2017
Had an awesome family gathering!!!!! Well actually gathering with only ONE uncle la hahaha my family with yima and that uncle. It has been so long. And you know this meetup with er-jiu-jiu date had been in the pipeline for this hols. AND IN FACT ALL MY #holidaysocialbunny plans HAVE BEEN MATERIALISED!!! Such an achievement!! Means i have really utilised my holiday fully. 😁😁😁

Hol-social-bunny's fuel is depleted to 0%.

And then brought my parents to JB!!! Was meant to be a eating-shopping-relaxing trip but... parents ended up buying bulky gifts for relatives and ended up unhappy on Day 2... im not gonna buy gifts and become santarina for my future travels. Overall, still a good bonding trip!!! Went to the KSL pasar malam good traditional pasar malam with crowd squashing experiences hahaha

And then fulfilled Kelven's bucket list to Melbourne!!! And Sydney. Sydney feels chaotic and messy where ppl from all walks of life stream in all directions simultaneously BUT
#geographerAY LOVES IT!!!! Especially the history of the formations and dirt path strolls hand in hand with Kelven! ♡

Attended a xmas bbq with his friends too. Too much thoughts and emotions emanated from the event too.
First of all, I tried my best socialising in a GROUP which i used to abstain from. And then parts of the conversation which made me so so uncomfortable I felt like leaving right away. Maybe Im escaping but I didnt feel good. 😐

Wrote my 2018 resolutions too. A shorter list than previous 2 years haha. 😃

Friday, November 17, 2017

dont do anything

Friday, November 17, 2017
im afraid to dream or imagine anymore
in case of disenchantment

it was easier handling thoughts and myself back then.

Related image

it's the last day of school
i took uber home which costed $3
cos I was carrying too much

got work to complete, nat geo to read and attempt to gain intellect and watch dramas to kill time
will make up for lost time at home

Thursday, November 9, 2017


Thursday, November 9, 2017
Forgot to bring home my earphones.

First time being a Sec 3 Form Teacher, dealing with adolescent woes or, childish antics.
First time doing Staff Welfare. Monthly liasons and coordinations to be made.
First time handling talented kids in Talent Management. Got to level up with them.
First time teaching Graduation Cohort. It was Arduous and Tedious and how do u describe in English - gek sim (erm.....) requires gargantuan Heart-work to not give up along the way together with them.
First time being the Open House IC for my dept. Made mistakes. Tried my best. Could have done it better.


Thats why I treated myself now and then. Pampered myself with my favourite food, junk food, health foods. Thats why things took a toll on my body and period became irregular which stresses me out EVEN MORE.

Somehow, each mistake that I made makes me feel lousy. I am an achiever and I could have done better. I have high expectations of myself.

It has been a difficult year. I will do better the next time round.

Today I wanted to eat Yakun eggs but the shop wasnt ready yet. I ate Macs for lunch only at 3pm and got a tummyache. I worked very hard at booth prep but boss said she was disappointed. My laptop stopped working. Think PC got burned out and went haywire. Requires massive rehaul. Had to use the common PC. At such a crucial time.

Boss said that this year has been a steep learning curve for me. After today, I think that it is a vertical one instead.

Tmr will be a better day. Cos its Friday.

Monday, October 23, 2017

Whirlwind whirlpool hurricane

Monday, October 23, 2017
Never experienced so many episodes of whirlwind of emotions before I was attached.
Makes me upset when small hiccups occur but nevertheless affects me so much due to whatever strong emotions. Because the relationship matters to me.
Its difficult.
Make me feel better all the time, soon enough.

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