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Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Not special anymore

Tuesday, January 22, 2019
I wanted to be special. I thought I was different from others.
Perhaps Im trying too hard.
And also, external factors made bubbles of dreams burst.
Cannot take stress. I think my mind has been tackling so many things! Sch has been relegated, it is not even one of the leading variables anymore. >.<

Sometimes I feel like a terrible person.

These days, I dont feel happy. Like carefree happy.
I asked myself when was the last time i felt happy?
I thought for a long time and I reckon it was sushi express dinner last Saturday.

I think I am depressed all over again.
I might need to isolate to recalibrate.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Its 2019!
This year's countdown has been different. It was special!
Kelven came to stayover for a night. It was nice avoiding the throngs of people in the city. 
As Kelven came, Dad has a companion.

☆ The fam had supper! K suggested to bring supper home after our stroll and we have not had supper for yearrrrrrsssssss...
☆ Dad has someone to share about the Mediacorp countdown performances with. Mum and I do not watch TV thats why he doesnt share the comments with us...
☆ Dad counted down with Kelven! Right down to the moment of ZERO hahaha... while I was prepping for bed...
☆ The fam went for New Years' Day breakfast of junk food like prataaaaaaaa!!!!! Rare family breakfasts that take place < 3 times a year haha
☆ And K mediated tensions between mum and I! :)

It was an exceptionally unique and enjoyable experience.  I think dad and mum are happy too that there is now another member of the family to spend life's simple pleasures with.  Im very grateful for this fiance of mine. Living together seems very exciting now haha.

Happy 2019! School stuff seems better this year too! May things be always better!

Sunday, December 9, 2018

post-samui

Sunday, December 9, 2018
Im back from a short getaway at Ko Samui with K!  So transient it felt like I have not left Singapore at all as everything is as it was.
K said that I might have gone on the trip looking forward to a change in my life.

Initially, actually throughout the entire 4 days, I felt that Ko Samui, though a tourist resort island, was too rural for my liking.  Things were repetitive, life was slow. Too slow, perhaps.  Everyday's the same.  I knew that I am @citygal1991.
Yet when I am home, in STARK contrast, we strive for change. We strive to be better by the day.  I do not sit and watch the world go by, day after day.  In my freetime, I read Nat Geo and watch dramas, to increase my knowledge.  I work hard, knowing that I need money to build my future.  On TV, adverts promote change.  To enable people, to teach people and help people. We solve local and global issues.  We want change and we MAKE IT HAPPEN. 

This then struck me that I envy the Chang Beer seller in Ko Samui, who operates a small booth opposite the resort I briefly... rented (haha). 
Well, we visited this Chang Beer seller's mini bar on our last night for a drink.  The bar blasted pop which became retro music from a stereo set with simple wooden furniture.  He took breaks returning to the neighbouring hostel (to watch TV)? He would occasionally run back to the bar next door to see if we needed more drinks. haha. So cute. He wore some floral kinda hawaiian t-shirt.
Today, I spotted him in the day wearing the same shirt, sitting outside the hostel onlooking the few passing vehicles.  I suppose that's how his days go by.  Somedays, he earns more from drink sales, other rainy days, he earns nothing.  He passes his time by pumping along to old pop songs.
I envy the Chang Beer seller :p

And then, there's Tanya's quaint little well-decorated cafe.  When we entered, there not a customer in sight.  I believe this is the case for most part of the days there.  Nonetheless, Tanya was still sincere in her craft at brewing good quality coffee for us.  But, no one else seem to know of this little found treasure amidst the ruralness.  
I speculated that she might have studied overseas such as in Aussie, got hooked to cafe culture, came home, sourced for good quality beans and started her little cafe venture.
How surreal :p

I was afraid of the waves.  The waves and winds were so strong.  Geographer me feared that a tsunami might occur and 1000% certain that all the resorts would be gone.  The 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami in Aceh has triggered this caution, forever.  What if I was swept out to sea? What if the plane nosedived into the waters?  What ifs...?  Anyway, K held my hand tight and we strolled along the beach one day.  I took time to embrace my fears and appreciate what others did, frolicking in seafoam and munching on BBQ corn.

I want to end off by saying that I have found my travel mate cum soul mate. K who makes me feel so protected on foreign land, who guides me and teaches me to be more socially and self aware.  K helped me to realise my own behaviours (like greed? or child-like excitement?) that I was oblivious to, and to learn to be smarter such as handling finances haha.

Although there were some stormy parts of this trip, mostly over my own overwhelming emotions, I will never trade the travel experience with K for any other forms of play-date.

Some form of 'rural' in my life was eye-opening.  Never visited a BEACH RESORT.  Helps me to reflect.  Yet, now I wish to be stuck in the snail paced life from 4 days ago, watching the rain come and go.

Back to reality, @citygal1991.
I will never forget Chang Beer seller, and the beach with 'stormy' waves.


beach with stormy waves, just like my emotions that day...


- aystarsplash

P.S. Should I continue blogging, or back to pen and paper?

Sunday, November 18, 2018

4 months later,

Sunday, November 18, 2018
Hello!
It's been awhile. Things have been moving quite quickly. I mean... work and life.
Overall it has been smooth sailing because this year, I am learning to adapt to a new style of working which requires effort and accustomisation.  So I still do feel unsettled.  However, this has enabled work to be more manageable this year.
Yet, I am in the know that next year will be a challenging one for me.  I shall learn as it comes.
and Yes, I have been gradually speaking with more people, learning from them.  I'm still trying.

Today, some issues took place that made me experience an emotional episode. When I am unable to verbalise how I am feeling, I need to type it out but this process forces my tears to fall. As it did, on the train.  Yes, on the train. Nothing too bad happened. Just that my emotions overtook me and tears fell. And I felt really helpless.

Wedding plans are scary. Mere discussions and disagreements stress me out. Actually, there is this one scenario that I am really frightened of and the thought of it would make me cry pathetic tears. Havent told Kelven yet because I tried today and my eyes welled up.
My request if that my house cannot be quiet on my wedding day. I'm okay with no gatecrash I dont know how it would be like but my house should not be quiet. I cant help but picture my parents and I taking a cab together to the hotel early in the morning for procedings... going through the flurry of the day and then late afternoon, my parents return to an empty house without me and realise that "our daughter has been married". How pathetic.
A 'normal' family outing in the morn and then, things changed forever. :(
BOOHOOOHOOHOOHOO I cannot accept and imagine :( :( :( :( :(

Today, some disagreements led to to the conclusion that sometimes, I think that I am too easy-going.  Undemanding and unmaterialistic (same category), keep things simple which are sometimes too simple, too practical, too safe...
Today, the discussion that we had was discouraging.

I recall my 21st birthday ever so vividly. How I planned the entire bday celebration at Jing's condo single-handedly and Jing's kind mum helped fry beehoon. Carried remainder food and big gifts like the gigantic teddy bear lol back home in a taxi with seowhwee.  Parents opened the door for me.
But my friends asked, where were my parents. Because, I has a tiff with mum and she was unsupportive of this celebration right from the start. This incident actually cast a huge shadow on my life till today.
I learn, and was taught the VERY TOUGH way. I didnt receive much of soft love through parental education.

So, I wondered, why is it so difficult for me to make requests for my once-in-a-lifetime experiences?
I never knew how easily I can cry these recent years.  Previously was merely study stress. But these 3 years was over work stress, family and relationship stuffs with my partner. I learnt how ONLY the people closest to me hurt me with their words because I dont bother about the 'others'.

Anyway it has been a long day from camp this morn till 10, rushed home, rushed like mad to look pretty to attend a wedding lunch with K and questioned my decision greatly.  Was critical of the way things were carried out... Was disappointed and discouraged by discussions with K today.
It is a not-good day. Not-good at all.

My eyes are puffy and can barely open now. Tmr still has school...

Thursday, August 9, 2018

080818

Thursday, August 9, 2018
First of all, Im so confused about the whirlwind that took place..
I know that only 2 people whom I bother about still read my blog so Im not afraid of sharing all my thoughts.  But also, a part of me wonders what will happen when blogger dies one day... maybe I should print out all my postings.

As you know, Im very expressive. and Emotional.  Especially right in the midst of my period cycle. Haha.
Yesterday, I said Yes to Kelven.  It was our 3rd year anniversary.  And he decided that it was the right day to make it a milestone in history of JXAY.  A part of me did guess.  But an equal part of me did not hope or anticipate intentionally, lest I get disappointed again by harbouring any form of expectations or false hopes.  And then as the day drew near, I became scared.  Or apprehensive is the word.  I hoped that it would not take place, because Im not certain how I was going to deal with the things to come.  How people who matter to me would respond to it.  And my self-confidence.

Dad and mum seemed too calm.  They already knew beforehand but I can sense that mum has been trying to come to terms with it.  She made it sound like it is just an engagement.  Make until so big and serious for what?  We still have to be cautious and behave and stuff...  I was surprised that mum didnt give any advice or seek for kelven to do certain things to handle her daughter's character.
Since dad and mum treated it like... no big deal; I wonder whether I should water down my confusion or excitement or inner euphoria.  They didnt seem as Happy or as exuberant as acquaintances on social media.  What an irony.  Got me confused as to how I should view this engagement?  Should I be over the moon?  Cos Ive decided to stick to someone forever???????  Just like always, felt like I ought to manage my excitement.

So I came to recall that I dont express myself much at home.  I am serious, independent AY at home.  Outside, I can behave carefree and childish or kiddy and display my likes and dislikes and be real.  Especially towards my partner.  And probably in class where I teach with full of expressions.

Anyway.
Something happened this morning that made me even more confused and maybe even teared.  I asked JX if today felt any different from any other day.  And it seems as if being engaged is just a status, no legal regulations, merely from being gf-bf to a more advanced level to discuss about marriage, family and settling down.  Felt like something my mum would say...
I think JX answered it wrongly.  But my bubble burst-ed and everything just had to return to normality.  No more spazzing over the number of acquaintances who know the news and clicked Like.  No more sharing excitedly over Whatsapp replies. 
I think the entire whirlwind of events had been much more significant to me.  Its a commitment to each other that we have to be Present for one another.  A commitment that you have chosen me and me, You.  A commitment to show that we are ready to partake in BIGGER adult decisions.
I was so disappointed because at that moment,
I realised the significance of that proposal to me and the entire engagement frenzy.  Its my first time, I dont know how I should react to the event and how I should feel; but that was how it mattered to me.  But my bubble burst and I have to diffuse the big thoughts, 1 day right after.
I have no intentions of making anyone feel bad.
Just putting words to my emotions and once again, I get so confused.

How was I supposed to behave or react to this?

Saturday, August 4, 2018

motivation

Saturday, August 4, 2018
Some thoughts from Week 6 that are waiting to be worded and pondered upon.

At a course this week, we were asked "What is the happiest thing that you have experienced recently?"
In truest truth and honesty, I couldnt think of any.

Not that I aint happy this entire period of time, but rather, I have kept my life in a state of consistency and routine, the best way that I can manage life; and I think im coping well thus far.
Nothing that made me exclaim or jump in joy or smile super widely but just, life's simple pleasures.
Although my response to my colleague sounded pathetic. Haha!

Today, I realised that intrinsic motivation is very powerful and significant to me.  For me, words of afirmation or encouragements that I receive have minimal impact.  Ultimately, it is me myself who has to rise up and deal with the issue and handle it myself and I.
So the previous night, I do not know what struck me that I went to search for some tumblr picture quotes of the words that I have INSIDE MY HEAD. and printed them out Today in school! Heehee.
I felt happy doing it - printing, cutting and decorating my workdesk.
And these are words that I think would help me tide through difficult times, and words that hold true to me.



On hindsight, BF told me the exact statement before. To 'take it easy'. But it didnt resonate in me at all until today. When I learnt that I NEEDED THIS. and then SEARCHED for the phrase and PLACED IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

It worked! I was less annoyed while marking horribly done test papers.  I was more lax with myself.  Took things one breath slower.

I think its working!

Another colleague who noticed the black speech bubble commented that he admired me for my convictions and I suppose, my guts to display such a statement at my desk.

Interesting comment!  It is my desk and I display what represents me.  I hold the belief that if I have done my best and fulfilled my duties, I have nothing to hide.
I think Im strong headed this way.
Sometimes while walking home, I wonder if I am too FULL OF MYSELF.
I hope people around me will continue to remind me to be grounded and humble when I get carried away.

Also, another colleague commented that my highest character value of 'Judegment' ffrom a viacharactersurvey was not suitable for me.  He said that I was too young to be judegmental.  People my age should have curiosity, to be adventurous and try new things and seize opportunities.  Older people who have gained more life experiences would then be judgemental in life.
Judgemental in the sense that I can evaluate situations well, make the right decisions and form firm opinions.
Felt a tinge offended.
I think that it is a value that not many people might have, and if my decision would not affect anyone (such as causing people to be upset), I think that it is a good decision and I know my priorities exceptionally well.  Would not trade it for something else.

That's all.  My sleepy thoughts for Week 6.
Next week is exciting! :D

Tata~

P.S. Still broke out in tears again this Term / Semester 😢 over the bane of my career - exam papers. But coping much better than in the past. Theres an improvement! 😃

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

unlike.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Nowadays, I cry a lot.
I cry when Im super stressed.
I cry when I cannot handle family relations.
I cry when relationship is difficult.
I cry when im trembling in the cold. haha

But the point is that school makes me cry so much whenever I cannot cope and feel like the world is against me and there are gargantuan tasks that I ought to accomplish which is far to arduous for me to manage :( and times like this, recently, when I cry, I cry till I tremble and shake, uncontrollably unstoppable. and then my nose gets blocked up entirely I gotta breathe through my mouth Im so afraid that I would faint from suffocation.  But most of the time, these episodes occur when I recount the incidences to Kelven so at least he knows Im still alive.

I dont like my job anymore. The cycle that repeats and repeats. The tears every semester when I have tried my best but there is minimal progress. The sacrifices that I have made. Sacrifices. Nothing major.
Just my personal well-being. Alone time. Dating time to strengthen the relationship with Kelven and bonding time with my family. All of which are significant to me.

Setting exam papers and marking exam papers are the greatest hurdles in my career. This itself makes me consider quitting all the time. I dont mind giving up if I can get back all of my above. I feel like my enthusiasm and motivation is extinguishing by the term, by the semester. Thankful for the JUne holidays where I can breathe.

I think continuing will give me depression.


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