"Oh, you are Anna. You are my Star Student".

That phrase emanated with hope yea? When the TA from the previous semester remembers me and remembers my perfect grades for the assignments done last semester and with him marking my assignments again this sem.
It seemed so hopeful, I feel I could revive it again. But do you realise that the previous sem has already ended, and this sem is already different.
Even if I am still chasing after intangible things in this semester which is already ending, its a different sem and I cannot encourage myself for you to hold that high a hope in me again.
His sentence has stuck in my head all day long. It means alot.
I wished to explain to you how much it means on FB - the happiness or reminiscence, or simply how that sentence has connected with the previous AY who fantasized over stars. Stars hat twinkle with hope and wink at you. I hope you would look at that sentence and ponder over how AY would see read into it. It struck a deep chord within me, of all emotions streaming out.

Nonetheless, it was a very prominent conviction that I have done it before, I have SHONE. Shone Brightly. He told my senior recently only, that I was the best Geog student in that module last sem. Im glad I have never known about it last sem, so I wouldnt have been carried away by pride. Last sem I remember complaining too, like I always do, Im sorry. But I have shone! Im amazed with Myself.
This sem is horrid. I hate school so much. Its the kind of feeling like a dread going to school. After school I recall and I feel utterly drained, unsure of what had occurred in the day. And simply thinking so, my eye might well and my nose squirm. Its like the on-set of a depression phase. I dont hate the compounds of school, I dont hate my major. I fear the attitudes in school, the NON-stop, the Hidings, the drive for the best of the best, that everything we do had to have a goal. I miss the times I could enjoy learning, without concerns for grades and relationships with people. I would enjoy learning so much much more. Exploring my geographical world, learning hangeul, transcending boundaries into Korean Kpop culture.
I wanna escape into KPOP world. In school, I would walk along the corridors in FASS oblivious to the streams of people zooming past me in the opposite direction, with this thought in mind to escape to Kpop world. I reminisc about my Korean friends back home. It not about the K culture, Its simply about escapance. I desperately wanna escape from NUS to go on SEP. I dont know how I'll adapt back to school again next year. Bottled up words within is suffocating me, choking up at my throat.
It feels horrible.
Although tomorrow, fridays are my free day, I hate school so much that I have declared Thursday nights as the end of the week. It has to end earlier, faster.
Will God lead my family back on track, even if the people involved do nothing to change themselves?
I do not know, and I desire to know. Because if it is possible, I'll do anything for my family to get back on track, towards the ideal notion of a family.
I'll sacrifice alot for that. Im prepared to.
I need to speak to people.
nothing much above induced my tears, except for the last 4 sentences, of this post.

Star Student, ay.

Today I sat under the storm clouds
and I cried,
Like the sky.
Wanted to really cry at the steps
but pitterpatter came, and i left.
I hope its not depression
but i just sat there and had the urge to cry.
Over, NOTHING, or maybe
Everything.
Or maybe I missed my new friends who have gone back to Korea
That they have returned to another world.
I cant wait to ESCAPE.
to US. in several more months.
I hate.
I hope internship in June-July at MOE will be very Harsh
to help me appreciate school more
Because i Hate school.
Its a dread,
It makes me cry.
Actually its beause I dont know why and what I am chasing after.
A stupid answer too.
Grades and future, what else.
But.
Tell me life is more than this.
Because i cannot figure out the answer
and I cry again. I wanna cry it out.
But Ive got readings to do.
My tears arent salty, Im surprised.
They taste like water.
Im so fatigued.
and sick of it all.
Today I sat under Stormclouds; But the rain came :(

ay

new blog layout, it seems like kpop and ukiss and fangirlword is my respite.
sometimes i dont know what im chasing after.
grades arent everything; but grades can determine manymanymany things.
i feel sad.
i dont think ive smiled carefrelly for a long time.
i hate school. i hate studying.
you dont know how much i detest school, its a dread.
and ppl ask, what happened annayeo, to make you hate so much,
you werent like this in the past.

pffft.
complaining complaining complaining. and wallowing.

Trapped

Like a Labyrinth,
the school museum echoes
Footsteps
that hide behind you.
Doors clang,
Contorted scultures like the mind
and dates running
on exhibits... 2078 and beyond?
Photos collaged
sealed all walls and seams.
Trapped.

moodswingemo

I feel moodswing emo.
A sudden inexplicable moodswing because I guess its everything stuffed in me and I didnt release them slowly, dumbgirl. Just keep putting it in and in and in.
Its after lesson today at 6. I had to wait till 7.30 for CCA event, and there was too much time.
I. I.... I stood on the downward stairs unsure of where to go for 10 seconds! GOSH! I really stood rooted on the steps and thought. Hard.
and then I turned back and strolled @ 1/10 of my usual pace.. to YIH. I wished the trip was longer though, so that I could stare at the ports along the way, they look upon the sea wide and vast. after-rain breeze streaming through my hair.
I thought of my desire to escape to SEP, sooner, quicker. Put everything behind. Selfish desires, but a longing desire.
I feel that I might cry. Its just that when i feel stressed, over everything, or nothing at all, remember the times when I'd just cry? No you dont. click on my past past past blogposts and you'll see... haha . Crying seems like my remedy. But in school I wont. I feel like I need a hug.
Its the times when I feel like I wanna walk on and on and on and on, dont wanna stop.
But. 어 디? Where?
Im very glad today is Thursday, my last day of the week. Things have been trivial, but somehow since 2 days ago when I woke up, something was wrong and I had a grudge with the week... nothing was perfect to me anymore since then.

Are you lost wandering, AY.STARSPLASH?

bigbang - haru haru.
Im glad of my earphones, to plug in after school, cos it masked the jealous glances of passersby on me along my slow stroll towards YIH (at the unusual girl enjoying music with wind blowing in her hair, walking at a pace so slow that nothing else seemed to matter in the world?) . i pretended everything, everyone was invisible. I created my own world. to give myself time, to stop and. just stop.
still have the urge to tear. But WHY? I dont know.

feel so lost. like i needa counsellor to manage the family. even though we are a trivial 3some...

Today at NgeeAnnPoly Busstop, 151 came and all the nus peeps prepared to board the bus.. that's when I caught sight of a ezlink card on the ground.. and so I picked it up. What I thought was, someone has dropped it, if you didnt pick it up, someone else who strolls pass will also pick it up as it is still useful. I recall my friend once told me that in Secondary school. I recall the classroom which she told me so, when I saw the calculator lying on the desk. I replied, what if someone comes back to search for his calculator? she replied, but when the person comes back, you didnt take it, it would already have been claimed by another student. I remember the face who told me that. It made sense. Yes, it made sense. back to reality, i see this nus guy standing ahead of me looking back at the seat at the busstop which he has left, searching his pockets, and opening his wallet several times. but when he boarded the bus, he prived out a Passion ezlink card from his wallet. I ... was hesitant, whether it was him who dropped his ezlink cark.. but he had a passioncard so prolly it wasnt his?
so when i climbed onto a seat on the bus, i see him at the taptap machine with his friend, a lil of a worrisome and depressed look... and then i know that I should have asked if it was his. But i hesitated and now what do I do?
I kept replaying the scene of his worrisome look on my seat, right at the back of the bus where the horizontal row of seats are. and I searched my heart. I did not require an ezlink card. I had zero intention of of greed of another card or whatesoever. I simply picked up something that was left behind to safekeep, for emergency use in the far future. even after I bring it home, it would just lie in my cupboard. It wasnt for any amount of stored value within the card. I know truly I picked it up because i think that someone else who comes along, would also pick it up.
and so, AY made a decision. I was determined to clarify with the guy if the card belonged to him. so all the way till 151 turned into school at UCC, i hoped that he wouldnt alight, until central lib bus stop. and all through the journey, I rehearsed my script which I was going to approach him with. and yes! he alighted only at central busstop!!! so I tailed him! till he climbed the steps of the busstop i tapped him on his arm and asked " sorry, did you drop your ezlink card?" he replied with a pause and sad "yea......" and then i showed out my hand with the card. He merely blinked and retrieved the card and replied with a grateful thankyou. I hurried to explain "im sorry I didnt mean to take it, it was on the ground at the bus stop, i just picked it up... i didnt mean to........" with my, you know, embarassed smiles on my face... he simply replied thankyou, the second time. and i scrambled away, offcourse from my desired destination at the central forum. I hope, he wouldnt hate me for taking his card. such that he panicked while boarding 151. I hope he wouldnt think that Ima cheapskate. I hope that he is relieved and happy that he got his card back, and money not wasted. I didnt wanna claim it as mine at all. I only picked it up as it was still functional. But Im glad I had the courage to correct a mess that Ive created. Its the 2nd time. The first was in the bus when I passed a bag to my friend who alighted, when in fact the bag belonged to the passenger sitting in front of me. Im glad that I looked for the nus guy to clarify the card issue, else, I know for sure my Thursday would be ruined with guilt. Im like that.
But still. Somehow the thought that why I had that urge to pick it up, and why I had hesitated upon asking him that immediately,... haunts me.
is it the way I do things? the way I repsond to situations too promptly before me that I always get caught in a booboo?

Being exposed to Kpop for a mere 2 years, I realised gradually that what draws me into this pop culture is not only the music, but rather, the forces driving Kpop.

There is strong cmaraderie. Its really not simply some crazy fangirls oogling at macho or cute guys. Its demonstrates the unity of the fangroups working to acheive a common goal - to popularise the group whom they admire because the fans has figured a talent worthy of their favourite band.

On radio chat-sites... Audience comment all the time, about how much they miss the entire group being one altogether. DBSK from JYJ, ex-members Alexander and Kibum from Ukiss... The audience has unknowingly created an attachment to the original groups and when the group restructures, it disorientates them. The reluctance and longing for the original groups to come together once more is on the minds of both fanclubs and band members, but the organisation/company hinders right?

On kpop charts, fanclubs unite to vote for their groups vehemently. This fan once admitted that she almost screamed at her mum for closing her laptop screen which she had left running while being at school. What for? For that little bit of effort that each of us believe in, with a little more effort from each and everyone, we can increase the viewship of the MV by letting the MV loop throughout the day so that the group can attain an award.

The award is important. The awards personify popularity, but then.. It reflects the amount of effort a particular fanclub is, and how strong the fandom is. The popularity of a group through its achievements, on the other hand reaffirms the fanclub's efforts, and its a cycle round and round. The bands put in alot for their fans too. Ukiss released an impromptu song just for the fans. With no MV, no dance, no intention of appearing on the charts. They simply released a song titled 'Lifetime', for their fanclub, Kissme. Llifetime for Kissme'. Touching? Yes it is.

On youtube comments on MVs, trolls (people who come on to criticise) have no leeways to intrude into the fan's dominance. A troll who criticises through a one sentence comment, will be bombarded by all the thousands of fan's also hovering incessantly on the youtube comments page. and eventually, me too, flagged the troll's comments as spam. Save your comments. If you dislike, you are the minority, because you do not see the way the fans do. Think, and explore from the fan's perspectives.

Even though people criticise Kpop groups for sprouting up like weeds without vocal talent, I realised one day through my mental debates, that sometimes, music does not require good vocals. As long as the beat successfully resounds in your head and you move along with it, I feel that it has already accomplished the task of connecting with the audience. I believe the music itself is a significant aspect of a track, rather than relying solely on vocals. That's the way with Kpop. The groups dance their hearts out. They train continuously. If you hadnt ever watched a Youtube Video of your favourite group practising in the dance room, them drenched in sweat and their sheer determination renders our minute willpower an underdog. I felt inspired, and I really admire their routines. Listening to the music, I recall the dancesteps from the Videos clearly.

It takes utter perseverance. My favourite group, Ukiss, has debuted since 2008, but has never topped any majororalis charts before. Demoralising. But through a change of members, and new hits, they garner new fans everyday. People learn about them everyday. Ukiss calls themselves weed-ols (from the word idols). Because they have failed many times, but they are still resilient and strong coming back bigger better. They mentioned that there were times they thought of disbanding if their next song couldnt make it, but they did not. Im glad they did not. because they are always appearing stronger and better. People appreciate them. I see the strength of Kissmes, and

Kpop is not as simple as what many perceive. There's a story behind the fanclubs, and many driving forces, shaping this popular culture.

Im proud to be a part of it :)

Im a crazy fangirl.

and manyatimes I post videos on FB, hoping to share my love with the world. Hoping they coudl gain a new perspective about Kpop. :))))

ay.starsplash