Sunday, June 25, 2017

ephemeral - lasting for a very short time

Sunday, June 25, 2017
Ephemeral relationships. They patch and break soon enough. I think people would think that it concerns my r/s with bf but no, its ALWAYS about my parents.  Somehow I need to tell people that my life is NOT always smiles and smooth-flowing and that my family isnt perfect. And probably I post these to console myself that I am not alone from the comments I receive. But I think mainly it is to show others that my FB reflects ME - multiple facets of life and it is NOT just the Happy things like a facade. But. Oh wells. Whatever you interpret.

People change. Let me tell you about my family. As my parents become older, their differences are amplified and intensifies. hmmm... to put it simply, more bad habits... such as dad becoming more greedy about certain things (thank goodness not over money $$$). Mum becomes more emotional and have mood swings and both of them adopt extreme ways of verbal retaliation towards each other. They seem to dislike each other so much. Seem to not be able to live with one another anymore and I describe it as my dusfunctional family, broken down, unable to communicate. All the pessimistic things that I can put to words.

If I cannot stand certain habits of dad, what more of mum, who has to deal with it for the rest of her life?  No wonder she is so troubled and burdened by it. Sometimes I feel that it is better off if they do not communicate as they would then not get into arguments. 
I am worried. What to do next time when I am not staying with them anymore.

BOOHOO. my tears. :(
Nothing makes me cry more than my family relations these recent... years.

No, it is not perfect.
Oh. I recalled. Maybe I used the wrong words in my prayer. I should use the words 'reconcile' instead of 'do not quarrel'. Maybe I really do need some divine intervention in my family relations.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017


Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Seowhwee says "We are so old..."
But I replied "But I still feel very young! Like the whole world is there for me to epxlore and to see and try and experience new things!"
Seowhwee "That's good! :)"

I couldnt sleep the night before and the reason was that I was  too excited haha!
BF said "that's how a young kid would feel haha"
But to me, birthday celebrations are so rare it's really special.
As I recounted the past more than 10 years when I no longer had a birthday cake no more bday songs, no more photos... sometimes spending it alone, planning it alone like my 21st, staying at home trying to convince and console myself that it is just another day, so nothing special about.
Feels so depressing I would often cry. 😢😩😩

But now that I have someone to share my day with, it is really special to me 💗

Its interesting how ... demographics change haha...
Back then, when social media did not rule the world, friends would stay up late just to prove their significance in your life by being #number1 to wish you happybirthday via SMS or FB HAHA.
But now, much fewer people send greetings (does not matter) and that the messages now come from colleagues and the closer pals. No more 1001 acquaintances. haha.
I guess, as we move on, we figure who matters and not. Its practical and really interesting.

My face like an emoji. Expressions are written on my face. I recall how I lit up when I saw the starry necklace! Last night, I felt euphoria. Never have I gone for such a nice (classy) dinner, never have I had someone put in so much effort for me just for a birthday. Never have I had such quality time with one person on a now-special day.

BF revived the innocent feelings of excitement and surprise that I have long long lost. No wonder I felt like a kid again, being unable to sleep, awaiting the birthday to arrive. =)

It was a lovely day.

Friday, June 9, 2017


Friday, June 9, 2017
Why are other people so simple while I am difficult as a person?
Why do others get happy over flowers but I dont?
Why do the rest make quick decisions while I think every so meticulously and complicate matters?

Thursday, May 25, 2017

rat race - nope - human race.

Thursday, May 25, 2017
You know, I said before that I am always slower than my peers.  I lag behind my peers.  In terms of going places, experiences, opportunities, in relationships.  But I eventually achieve what they are capable of, just that I am late.

But now, I have learnt to live my life in sync with another.  Sometimes I don't know how to keep pace. Things move too fast and I create new experiences all these while.  Or maybe the future changes too quickly.

What if I cannot keep up?
What if my mind cannot register what's happening fast enough I lag behind my partner?

Sunday, May 14, 2017


Sunday, May 14, 2017
It was a rare weekend, where bf isnt in town and I had the entire weekend to plan for myself.
It was fruitful enough. Owing also to the fact that marking for the week has concluded (more to come next week hmmmm)...
So Saturday morning began with a really awesome MOE run, where my goal is the monetary reward upon completing the 2.4km!!! And I did it! Too torturous. There is a pic of my grimacing face in torture haha too precious.
And homed to do some housework and ended up trying to eradicate aome creatures in the bathroom HAHA! Took a nap and had a simple dinner at home! Ohhh watched mind boggling movie SPLIT. Too dark for me abit incredulous I would say.

Sunday was family day at JB!!!!!! Guess what!!! Mum began to talk to dad already!!!!!! W.H.O.A after Months. Hmmm i am not certain how long this reconcilation might last this time round but I guess they really have to work it out by themselves. And I wonder... why some people seek spiritial intervention to resolve such matters when its a matter of mind and whether you wanna do it or not?

It's Good. All is good :)

I dont know why im recounting my day here. But its funny, a weekend without bf while he is enjoying himself with his own family. Did he forget about me? Haha.

Been pondering abit about my role as a GF. Someone told me that Im a scary gf. I reflected upon it. Really, am I that scary? Okay then maybe I should tone down. No ill intentions at all I swear. Just dont know how a Good GF is supposed to be. Never been one before this r/s.

Also, the devil that makes me feel strong emotions... But I still cant help feeling this way, manyatimes. Need to really filter away unnecesary things that I hear and see so that I dont feel this way. How long would it take?

Maybe I will just feel like this, forever.

Friend said that its called SCS. Single-child-syndrome. Which I agree.


Saturday, April 29, 2017


Saturday, April 29, 2017
I really love stoning.  Staring into the lights at the sea and thinking about Nothing. I think it helps me to slow down and take a breather. Gives me awareness.  I forgot how I first discovered the rooftop at MSP.  Think BF brought me there.

Now that I know that this blog might be read, I cant help but to be cautious about what I post - write properly and frame my thoughts well.  Nothing to hide, nonetheless.

Today I reflected about my 26th Year.
Sometimes I think that this is the prime time of my life.  Career is progressing, am in a ... good relationship, managing well with different things (at least for now...) but one thing that isnt yet stable is my family relationship. Which I cannot do much and I was told not to interfere in 'adult matters'. :/ But it was said that even till 30, it could still be the prime of your life. I try to achieve as much as I can now, because in future, things will change.

So I asked others, "what were you doing while you were 26?"

I also asked BF if our relationship is still as strong?
He replied, Yeah.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Michelle Phan

Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Hello there :)

Always glad that i am able to log in after a long while. The knowing that this space is still alive and still a possession of mine.
This night, I chanced upon Michelle Phan's brief account.
And I want to be like her. Taking a break cutting off distractions, to just be Myself and Hear Myself.
Michelle went to Zermatt. I want to be like her visiting Zermatt all alone. Looking up at stars at night and know that whatever flurries life may be, it will become Nothing anymore. I would love to feel that way.
Steps to follow suit: Pack up my life into one suitcase just like her and go wherever. But. Are humans selfish? How could I leave?
I would love to do this when I eventially become all alone, enturing into life solo, decades down the road. Then I wonder if I really want to settle down like REALLY SETTLE? Or that its my first relationship hence I want to hold onto it because I have to and its precious to me? I dont know.
Have you ever felt like you could forgo a relationship?
But I also doubt that people get married and settle down merely because they cannot live without the other party.
I dont believe so.

Oh that dream of seeing stars and hearing myself.
Do you ask the same questions as I do? Or is my head always talking to itself?
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