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Friday, August 11, 2017

Speed Typing too.

Friday, August 11, 2017
While everyone is posting engagement photos and rings and flowers on FB they indeed look sooooo pretty and Im envious Butttttt
Here i am struggling to mark and mark and squeeze out exam questions from my little brain and worrying how my students will fare in the exams which will undeniably affect my life and my career and learning to master the art of speed marking with ultimate focus of will and determination in my daily crooked sitting postures. Exercise time can wait.
Oh my life.


Thursday, August 3, 2017

Chronicles of Ms Yeo

Thursday, August 3, 2017
I have very high expectations of myself.
Things I do must be efficient and perfect - to my standards.
I am not a perfectionist. As long as it is done well and does not tarnish my image at
work, Im fine.

But today, I learnt of a mistake Ive made early in the morning.  It had been a stressful night, panicking about ThursDAY and then early at 730am, I learnt of my mistake in the test paper that I have set and I was ultra embarassed and apoloegetic.
I made a mistake. In a test paper which was over. So the students had panicked in class and a senior teacher came to tell me my boo-boo.
A forgivable mistake, they said. But still.
I made a mistake.
If not for the morning bell
Which summoned me to the parade square for daily singing of the nation and attire checks like a policewoman, I would have cried. Eyes red like tomatoes.

HOD told me before that if I wanted to attain my aspirations, I cannot make mistakes. Especially in the exams.

I have tried very hard
To be the best that i can be.
(Sounds like my alma mater's motto.)
To maintain my track record but then I made a mistake and its made known.
AY who seemed to be so dignified and confident of her ways.

I think my disappointment was written all over my face along with my apologetic email which made the senior teachers worry. They came to me to encourage me and affirm me that it is totally alright, as it was a genuine mistake everyone else might have made...

It is my personal expectations to do well and this incident made me feel lousy.
Felt like I let myself down.
It was a terrible morning.

ThursDAY eventually became better.

I still hold my hopes high but I cannot make such silly mistakes ever again.

It has been a difficult week.
Do you know how hard I work?


I think putting in effort to tune my mindset for each day and dateline is the toughest part of it all.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Big-Head

Sunday, July 23, 2017
Some nights just feel like #reflectionnights haha

I try hard to construct self-confidence. I know that in order to succeed, face isnt everything so while schooling, I beefed up courage to speak and be good, feel positive about myself.
But sometimes, comparisons easily tear whatever you have built apart and you feel inferior.lousy.the underdog. all over again.
Praise vs. Affirmation
We need both praise and affirmation to help build a healthy self-image. Here is the difference: Praise is a positive statement about your behavior. You did something well. Affirmation is approval for just being.
So I was thinking abit too hard getting myself confused and you wonder why? Haha.
"Praise is a positive statement about your behavior. You did something well." 
I think it is okay to praise myself; I do so often, to feel confident, smart, worthwhile, important and ... useful, maybe.  Even for little trivial acts or decisions that I have made. Well, #positiveeducation, they advocate in school...

So, irregardless of whether it would make me proud or arrogant.
If I deserve those words, it would be nice to hear them, isnt it? :)
Because, you could have been the only other being to know of it, other than me, myself and I.
and maybe, praises from you would have been more impactful?

But whatever I have constructed is very vulnerable.

Tonight, I also learnt that affirmation is more than what has been frequently practiced. Maybe teachers would understand this more than others as we often practise it. The affirmations that I have received arent this way every time-
Google is awesome.  https://awidersunrise.wordpress.com/2012/12/30/praise-vs-affirmation/

P.S. Since secondary school, I recall friends calling me big-head too. Was it Lam? haha

On a sidenote, I admit that sometimes I feel jittery like as though time is running out!!! because of all the things I hear from others. But no what.
Sighs.
Too complex for my fish brain to rationalise.

Have faith in Me, and Us.
Always drilling this mantra into my head to battle with spurts of tiny trivial doubts.

힘들어.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Some days like this

Thursday, July 6, 2017
Some days I have PMS and it takes control over me
Some days I have had a bad day in school with troublemakers
Some days I am too tired I do not want to talk and want to be alone, go out to my favourite places on my own with my ears plugged in. But no, it has only happened in my imagination.

Some days I thought of using dayre the "in!" thing to rant. But I already have a blog and a Fb page. Sometimes everything is too overwhelming telling people things makes me so sad and I throw my childish tantrums and petty tempers.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

ephemeral - lasting for a very short time

Sunday, June 25, 2017
Ephemeral relationships. They patch and break soon enough. I think people would think that it concerns my r/s with bf but no, its ALWAYS about my parents.  Somehow I need to tell people that my life is NOT always smiles and smooth-flowing and that my family isnt perfect. And probably I post these to console myself that I am not alone from the comments I receive. But I think mainly it is to show others that my FB reflects ME - multiple facets of life and it is NOT just the Happy things like a facade. But. Oh wells. Whatever you interpret.

People change. Let me tell you about my family. As my parents become older, their differences are amplified and intensifies. hmmm... to put it simply, more bad habits... such as dad becoming more greedy about certain things (thank goodness not over money $$$). Mum becomes more emotional and have mood swings and both of them adopt extreme ways of verbal retaliation towards each other. They seem to dislike each other so much. Seem to not be able to live with one another anymore and I describe it as my dysfunctional family, broken down, unable to communicate. All the pessimistic things that I can put to words.

If I cannot stand certain habits of dad, what more of mum, who has to deal with it for the rest of her life?  No wonder she is so troubled and burdened by it. Sometimes I feel that it is better off if they do not communicate as they would then not get into arguments. 
I am worried. What to do next time when I am not staying with them anymore.

BOOHOO. my tears. :(
Nothing makes me cry more than my family relations these recent... years.

No, it is not perfect.
Oh. I recalled. Maybe I used the wrong words in my prayer. I should use the words 'reconcile' instead of 'do not quarrel'. Maybe I really do need some divine intervention in my family relations.


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

TWENTY-SIX!

Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Seowhwee says "We are so old..."
But I replied "But I still feel very young! Like the whole world is there for me to epxlore and to see and try and experience new things!"
Seowhwee "That's good! :)"

I couldnt sleep the night before and the reason was that I was  too excited haha!
BF said "that's how a young kid would feel haha"
But to me, birthday celebrations are so rare it's really special.
As I recounted the past more than 10 years when I no longer had a birthday cake no more bday songs, no more photos... sometimes spending it alone, planning it alone like my 21st, staying at home trying to convince and console myself that it is just another day, so nothing special about.
Feels so depressing I would often cry. 😢😩😩

But now that I have someone to share my day with, it is really special to me 💗

Its interesting how ... demographics change haha...
Back then, when social media did not rule the world, friends would stay up late just to prove their significance in your life by being #number1 to wish you happybirthday via SMS or FB HAHA.
But now, much fewer people send greetings (does not matter) and that the messages now come from colleagues and the closer pals. No more 1001 acquaintances. haha.
I guess, as we move on, we figure who matters and not. Its practical and really interesting.

My face like an emoji. Expressions are written on my face. I recall how I lit up when I saw the starry necklace! Last night, I felt euphoria. Never have I gone for such a nice (classy) dinner, never have I had someone put in so much effort for me just for a birthday. Never have I had such quality time with one person on a now-special day.

BF revived the innocent feelings of excitement and surprise that I have long long lost. No wonder I felt like a kid again, being unable to sleep, awaiting the birthday to arrive. =)

It was a lovely day.


Friday, June 9, 2017

Comparisons

Friday, June 9, 2017
Why are other people so simple while I am difficult as a person?
Why do others get happy over flowers but I dont?
Why do the rest make quick decisions while I think every so meticulously and complicate matters?

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