A lot a lot a lot of thoughts. A lot of thoughts that I dont think you, or anyone else will understand. A lot of thoughts that I feel makes all the sense to me, but to anyone else, it might seen redundant, non-essential or just, insignificant.
Yesterday I visited the Night Safari with Dad and K! It was a perplexing decision made.
Firstly, K had insufficient $ in his voucher hence, needed to top up the cash. Secondly, should I bring dad along? Thirdly, if I were to visit the Night Safari, I would have no more funds to bring Yima on her SG Flyer ride.
It was really difficult for me to make a decision. Deep down, despite the desired quality couple time that I would enjoy with K, I decided to bring dad along as no one else would bring him to visit, except AY. If not this time, when will be the next? When I bring my kid along? Who knows how long that would be?
So I went by my motto of - no regrets. I brought dad along so that I have no regrets of not wanting to bring him along. Dad had hinted before that he was interested! And of course, when I invited him, he hestitated not at all. haha.
But that brings me to the fact that I got to reject Yima for SG flyer trip. It's really difficult, trying to suit everyone and taking everyone into consideration. So, pathetically, AY gave up Flyer with Yima. I needed to spend time with both my parents, my husband and craft out time with myself hence, it was reasonable that I gave up on certain considerations. Well, that was my rationale and reasoning. Not against my conscience. Also, I always feel that 'AY cant cut herself into so many parts to spend with everyone!' Yima would be very disappointed. She has bugged me several times when I would be bringing her. She was waiting for me. But I chose to do what I wanted and what I felt was right.
Today is Sunday. I decided to go to Giant with mum. I knew that mum has missed travelling out with me. She is often on her own on weekends. Not that this arrangement is new but, just a little sad and lonely. She has mentioned that she has not gone out with me for a very long time (in the past was on weekends / for dinner / marketing / school holidays) but I am so tied up now, adapting even after marriage. So, I really wanted to go out with her. In addition, it was largely to bring her out, for a walk. To get some Vitamin D, for some overhead bridge exercise, and some interactions with other humans. She does not like walking much. Under the hot sun. Couldnt carry heavy stuffs due to her skinny frame. But AY could lend some help!
I told K that AY is busy! AY got to put aside time for dad and himself, and also for mum. K asked why mum could not go alone. She needed to be independent. Learn to be independent when AY eventually leaves. It was so sad to hear. I got annoyed and upset and disappointed and my emotions welled up and I was angry and offended, all at the same time.
My parents have only got me. Without me, they would have to lead their own lonely life. Not as if my parents are the best old age companions for each other. While I can, and am still living here, I will care for them. While I have the capability to, I put aside time for my parents. While I still have the energy, I help with the chores at home and the groceries.
I will continue to care for them, even if miles away. I could order redmart groceries for them.
I cannot accept that Im told to leave my parents in their zones when that's the least I can do to play my role as a daughter.
I will forgo my work, to bring them out. I recalled I forgoed much fam time while schooling. And then when I had depression, I seized every chance to be with them, sticking to them for any ounce of respite and safe haven. I think that my actions do bring my parents comfort and solace and it's all that matters.
Mum thanked me for going to Giant with her. She thanked me for carrying the heavy potatoes and onions. Why would a parent have to thank their child? Shouldnt it be the other way round?
I felt that what I have done is right. In-line with my principles and morals.
I dont think you will ever understand it the way I do. I dont think you will do things the way I do. But it's alright.
Because ultimately, I do know what I ought to do.
Teach me if I am wrong.
No comments:
Post a Comment