Baby Z

 Baby is here!

Somehow, I did not feel the outpouring of love all of a sudden upon witnessing baby being placed on my chest, You know, how people comment that they did not realise how much they could still love another being.

I reflected and surmised that I have already begun to love baby Z right when he was a blob of cells up till every moment, I recall the worry I had every day, every gynae visit, and with every change in my body. People also told me that 'every gynae visit is a happy one!' but it was not the case for me. I was anxious with every visit. Was baby growing well? Did he put on weight? Has his head turned down? etc, etc, etc.

The delivery was quite traumatic. K said that I lost so much blood. I did not know; for I couldn't see what was going on... I had no epidural and all I could recall was cringing and squirming and withholding every contraction pain. Oh, speaking of which, the gynae told me that baby would be coming ANYTIME. So anytime meant waiting for days, to a week long, to even more days! Every night I wonder if that tingling sensation down below was leakage of amniotic fluid, or whether that tightening feeling was a contraction in the belly (never felt before so I did not know), but to no avail. I sorta 'threatened' baby as he was nearing the due date in 3 days' time that if he did not wanna come out, he would have to be induced! And then, that night water bag broke! Baby Z must have been scared 😄🙊! Alright so now I finally know what a contraction feels like. No fun. 

Laughing gas didnt make me laugh. It made me exert more effort holding the gas mask and pressing so hard... only once when the nurse held it for me that I entered dreamland AND I WAS SO SCARED IN MY SUBCONSCIOUSNESS THAT I WOULD WANDER WITHIN THE BUBBLE FOREVER I egged myself to wake up and listen, and respond to people such as the nurses and doctor talking to me.

I couldnt move back in the ward and I was so tired and in so much discomfort from the stitches and yet I could not rest - ironically, replying all the 1001 texts of concern and congratulations, and having nurse and baby visits. I almost fainted upon returning from the loo due to 'peeing blood'...

Back home, I look at the burrito that Baby Z is now, and recall every moment from the past. I miss the times when he was curled in my belly - I spoke to him every night and read him books - things which I have yet to accomplish much of now that he is in this world. I miss his kicks when he listened to music and hearing us speak to him. I miss being cautious with him inside me, moving slowly with care. Now and then, I lean my belly against the sinktop while brushing teeth and I suddenly realised that I ought to be careful; but Zylon is already out in this world! I lie flat on my back in comfort on my bed and I recall how cautious I was to consciously flip onto my right and left sides to sleep in order for baby's healthy growth within the belly... All these minute, trivial yet pertinent actions over the past 9 months... they linger...

I hug Baby Z now. I need to remind myself that he will never be this tiny again, and he would grow fast. Hence, i need to cherish this moment, this version of him right now.

As I have told Baby Z in my belly and right now - The world may be daunting but we will brave through it together! :)