Recently school feels overwhelming. Not much bogged down by work but the feeling that I needa escape from school.
So today I left at a rare 230pm to head to my favourite cafe for a cake and cuppa.

School feels stifling at times. One group of people chattering so loudly its annoying. And the jaded me made a mistake in the marking of attendance. Its so tedious. So I apologised and escaped haha.

But the cafe branch at Bishan was lousy. So noisy and the ambience wasnt conducive for slowing down and reflections. Prolly cos its in the neighbourhood. Will escape to somewhere more atas next time round.

At night, i realised a major contributor for my lack of motivation. Why do i have to teach CCE and life values at FT time. Its so contrived and intentional. When I myself lack some of these positive values such as Grit and a Positive Mindset... what more of Social Support Relationship (SSR) and Peer Support Relationship (PSR)... all these acronyms and  practices that I am tasked to inculcate in the young ones.  I dont remember signing up for these duties... I only recall my ARDENT LOVE for Geography. I am not even positive, what right have I got to instil thes in others? Must all teachers be angels at heart?
I feel like Im teaching something that I do not subscribe to. Its an ultimate dread.

At GB, the officer had a ECG scheduled slot with the sec 4s to share about progress in life after academics. She invited me to share my journey too. I rejected because I dont think my journey was inspiring at all. I was just a very practical girl and made rational decisions. I studied hard for a better future. I took up scholarships to help my family. I persevered because ... what else have I got to do?
Not inspiring at all.. unlike some zhuan lei dian or some setbacks that caused me to turn over a new leaf. Nope.

Sometimes, at times like this, I feel that im not worthy of being a teacher. I dont preach what I teach. I dont have good values like Im supposed to. I am so.sceptical.
At times, i encourage myself by questiining myself "if I cant even take care of myself and my family, why do I have to babysit someone else's child?" I learnt to let go. But I became a more heartless teacher. I feel it.

Do I need to rethink my life then?

Its so perplexing no wonder I feel so troubled of late.

Humph. Sighing it out might help.

Just whining. Thats all. Bye.