4 months later,

Hello!
It's been awhile. Things have been moving quite quickly. I mean... work and life.
Overall it has been smooth sailing because this year, I am learning to adapt to a new style of working which requires effort and accustomisation.  So I still do feel unsettled.  However, this has enabled work to be more manageable this year.
Yet, I am in the know that next year will be a challenging one for me.  I shall learn as it comes.
and Yes, I have been gradually speaking with more people, learning from them.  I'm still trying.

Today, some issues took place that made me experience an emotional episode. When I am unable to verbalise how I am feeling, I need to type it out but this process forces my tears to fall. As it did, on the train.  Yes, on the train. Nothing too bad happened. Just that my emotions overtook me and tears fell. And I felt really helpless.

Wedding plans are scary. Mere discussions and disagreements stress me out. Actually, there is this one scenario that I am really frightened of and the thought of it would make me cry pathetic tears. Havent told Kelven yet because I tried today and my eyes welled up.
My request if that my house cannot be quiet on my wedding day. I'm okay with no gatecrash I dont know how it would be like but my house should not be quiet. I cant help but picture my parents and I taking a cab together to the hotel early in the morning for procedings... going through the flurry of the day and then late afternoon, my parents return to an empty house without me and realise that "our daughter has been married". How pathetic.
A 'normal' family outing in the morn and then, things changed forever. :(
BOOHOOOHOOHOOHOO I cannot accept and imagine :( :( :( :( :(

Today, some disagreements led to to the conclusion that sometimes, I think that I am too easy-going.  Undemanding and unmaterialistic (same category), keep things simple which are sometimes too simple, too practical, too safe...
Today, the discussion that we had was discouraging.

I recall my 21st birthday ever so vividly. How I planned the entire bday celebration at Jing's condo single-handedly and Jing's kind mum helped fry beehoon. Carried remainder food and big gifts like the gigantic teddy bear lol back home in a taxi with seowhwee.  Parents opened the door for me.
But my friends asked, where were my parents. Because, I has a tiff with mum and she was unsupportive of this celebration right from the start. This incident actually cast a huge shadow on my life till today.
I learn, and was taught the VERY TOUGH way. I didnt receive much of soft love through parental education.

So, I wondered, why is it so difficult for me to make requests for my once-in-a-lifetime experiences?
I never knew how easily I can cry these recent years.  Previously was merely study stress. But these 3 years was over work stress, family and relationship stuffs with my partner. I learnt how ONLY the people closest to me hurt me with their words because I dont bother about the 'others'.

Anyway it has been a long day from camp this morn till 10, rushed home, rushed like mad to look pretty to attend a wedding lunch with K and questioned my decision greatly.  Was critical of the way things were carried out... Was disappointed and discouraged by discussions with K today.
It is a not-good day. Not-good at all.

My eyes are puffy and can barely open now. Tmr still has school...