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First of all, Im so confused about the whirlwind that took place..
I know that only 2 people whom I bother about still read my blog so Im not afraid of sharing all my thoughts.  But also, a part of me wonders what will happen when blogger dies one day... maybe I should print out all my postings.

As you know, Im very expressive. and Emotional.  Especially right in the midst of my period cycle. Haha.
Yesterday, I said Yes to Kelven.  It was our 3rd year anniversary.  And he decided that it was the right day to make it a milestone in history of JXAY.  A part of me did guess.  But an equal part of me did not hope or anticipate intentionally, lest I get disappointed again by harbouring any form of expectations or false hopes.  And then as the day drew near, I became scared.  Or apprehensive is the word.  I hoped that it would not take place, because Im not certain how I was going to deal with the things to come.  How people who matter to me would respond to it.  And my self-confidence.

Dad and mum seemed too calm.  They already knew beforehand but I can sense that mum has been trying to come to terms with it.  She made it sound like it is just an engagement.  Make until so big and serious for what?  We still have to be cautious and behave and stuff...  I was surprised that mum didnt give any advice or seek for kelven to do certain things to handle her daughter's character.
Since dad and mum treated it like... no big deal; I wonder whether I should water down my confusion or excitement or inner euphoria.  They didnt seem as Happy or as exuberant as acquaintances on social media.  What an irony.  Got me confused as to how I should view this engagement?  Should I be over the moon?  Cos Ive decided to stick to someone forever???????  Just like always, felt like I ought to manage my excitement.

So I came to recall that I dont express myself much at home.  I am serious, independent AY at home.  Outside, I can behave carefree and childish or kiddy and display my likes and dislikes and be real.  Especially towards my partner.  And probably in class where I teach with full of expressions.

Anyway.
Something happened this morning that made me even more confused and maybe even teared.  I asked JX if today felt any different from any other day.  And it seems as if being engaged is just a status, no legal regulations, merely from being gf-bf to a more advanced level to discuss about marriage, family and settling down.  Felt like something my mum would say...
I think JX answered it wrongly.  But my bubble burst-ed and everything just had to return to normality.  No more spazzing over the number of acquaintances who know the news and clicked Like.  No more sharing excitedly over Whatsapp replies. 
I think the entire whirlwind of events had been much more significant to me.  Its a commitment to each other that we have to be Present for one another.  A commitment that you have chosen me and me, You.  A commitment to show that we are ready to partake in BIGGER adult decisions.
I was so disappointed because at that moment,
I realised the significance of that proposal to me and the entire engagement frenzy.  Its my first time, I dont know how I should react to the event and how I should feel; but that was how it mattered to me.  But my bubble burst and I have to diffuse the big thoughts, 1 day right after.
I have no intentions of making anyone feel bad.
Just putting words to my emotions and once again, I get so confused.

How was I supposed to behave or react to this?