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Monday, March 26, 2018

MONDAY BLEH

Monday, March 26, 2018
Some things cannot be shared on FB. So I have to blog it. As though to blog is an adverb haha.
Today I bawled at my enclosed desk. And when I recounted the day at home with mum, I broke down twice more.
Nothing serious.
Just felt like I have really tried very hard to set the exam paper but it turned out to be of a shitty standard. Senior teachers asked "What happened, Anna? This isnt your usual standard."
What has that got to say, other than the paper being super disastrous.

I have really squeezed out all my brain juice. I worked SO HARD. When other teachers go on sch HOLIDAYS, each of my holidays has been spent coaching students, setting exam papers and planning for the term ahead. Every evening, every sat morning, every sunday which is meant to be Family Day, is spent Doing Work.
Theres even official duties on Sat mornings. S.A.T. Marking. Marking. Admin. Marking. Admin. Is this a 24/7; 7days a week job?
Why do I work so hard?  I often resort to sacrificing paktor as much as Im not supposed to.
Why do I work so hard. And try so hard. And feel like Im not doing what I enjoy anymore. I dont hate it.
But today made me realise that setting exam papers is the bane of my career and I cannot keep doing this years down the road. EVERY SINGLE exam paper setting period makes me break down at least once. Last year, my body took a toll and my female bodily mechanism went haywire. Why. Oh why.

This is a heart job. Hard job. I can give less homework. I can chase students less. I can give myself 10x more slack. Then. What is the ethical purpose of the role of a teacher?

Today, I really want to quit my job. Today, I look forward to 2 more months in June. Today, I thought about what other careers I may love.

I have come to know that my intellect is at its limit. I cant craft any better papers. Yes I know it comes with experience. But I cannot take it anymore. Maybe it is this school. But I really detest this entire repated cycle. Which is not healthy. I get angry so often too I feel the blood gushing to my face. It is unhealthy.  I need to care for my personal well-being.

I realised that I dont love this job.  I want to get married and have kids and settle down and have a reason to not slog away at this career.  Yet. I feel that I have not learnt enough to call it quits. It has only been 3 years. But this workload is making me detest everything about it.

Mum was so concerned, she bought me teh to go with beloved cai fan at the coffeeshop.
Humble simple warm comfort.

Today I realised that certain issues and sentences make me tear immediately.
Such as
"Why am I working so hard?"
"I have really tried my best" and
"Leaving mum and dad"... etc.
I can be okay, calmed down but when these sentences surface or trespass my mind, the tear gates unleash.

Sorry for whining and Thank You for reading.

AY just needed to sort out my thoughts.
It was a dreadful Monday.
I think Monday Blues are real.

1 comment:

cheryl said...

You can do this Anna :) you can

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