Never give me up.

I dont know where to start. I got married. Before the wedding, it caused me tumultuous stress as I put in a lot of effort to ensure that the event flowed well. However, it was too big a task for me to handle and I was overwhelmed on multiple occasions.

After the wedding, it started good on a new adventure! However, the mere few months that followed had been consistently rocky and chaotic for me. Every weekend, I feel anxious, panicky, unsettled. All these I categorise under 'chaos'. I feel chaotic at the end of every weekend after K stays over. Many quarrells ensued. Every weekend was stressful for us both. I could not sleep well on weekends because of the tensions or unaccustomed to certain habits. Its such a dread every weekend. I did not look forward to weekends. I feared that something would go wrong somehow, I was prepared. I am on tenterhooks, even now when i recall 😢😢😢

This weekend was the worst. I saw the worst in K. People see the worst in each other before they get married. But I saw the worst in him this weekend when we quarrelled. When Im upset, I dont wanna talk anymore. I feel so indignified and down I just zip up. Then, K could not stand it and we got into a tussle. I did not fight back. But I escaped. I could have fought back. It would have been ugly. His specs would have broke and at least one of us injured. But I struggled and I escaped. Shocked at what he had done. I dont think any parent would condone his child's partner behaving this way. To be very honest, I cant imagine K doing that. To want to use force, with the intention to control and perhaps, harm me. I didnt think that I could forgive him for that. But how? We were only 3 months into marriage. 😢

You know how in sharings, people say that they survived an abusive relationship until the point when enough is enough? I am so afraid I go down that path. K apologised earnestly saying he did not mean it. But this kind of foceful act has taken place before. 

I thought hard why I had not retaliated. I could have screamed for my parents to come. My mind told me to fight hard but my heart did not want to cause hurt. Do you know what this means?

To mum, dad had spewed foul offensive vulgarities at her. To me, K had used force. I really do not know whether I should take another leap of faith. Everything I ever done was ... just do it, in all the decisions I've made.

While immersing myself in work today, my mind wondered many times.

I am grateful for planning things together with K.

I am grateful that K cares for my family

and makes my work easier.

I could pick on him less, if I focus on all the good that he has done for ME and my fam.

Loving my fam as much as me means a lot to me.

I can kindly remind him to dry his hands properly.

I can speak to him with a nicer tone at breakfast.

I think I wanted to train him to be independent to take care of houshold matters in the future. However, it may be too harsh or a culture shock for him. 

I can give him time to learn to mop the floor using magicclean. But he has to put in effort to do it Right too.

I want to forgive him. I wanted to text him to say that I will forgive him. But my mind tells me to be careful and cautious. Im actually very scared that forceful acts might happen again.

Now on a hiatus which I have requested for, I feel a tad worried.

But I think I need a hiatus. But I miss the texts. And I wonder what he is doing.

I wished that he texted.

I mentioned that hiatus encompasses no texting too. For 2 weeks. 

Can I survive it? Can we survive it?

I figured that I feel upset to be on a hiatus. But we both need the hiatus.

To calm down and to set things right. 

I have not given up. I hope that he does not give up on me too.

I remember my wedding speech "Thank you for never giving up on me, and this relationship."

To be honest, these months before and after the wedding had been very tough. I miss paktor times. Carefree and goal oriented. Saturdays 3pm are paktor days! Living with someone else under a roof of 4 is difficult. There's indeed much joy to the household :D but its the nitty gritties that I am having trouble trying to balance. Inculcating new habits and calibrating emotions between my family members... More challenging yet, managing my own emotions. The expectations that a husband should play, the role that one must play towards parents in law. Balancing time with my parents, my husband, my relatives and myself. 

I told mum the other day that "AY cant cut herself into 10 parts to accompany everyone.".

Mum said that Yima was waiting for me to bring her to places. I cannot. I dont have my me time and I cant even handle couple time. I concede defeat. 

Marriage life is tough. Here I am, blaming the air. Why do I not have siblings to teach me, for me to emulate? I wish someone taught me. My parents aren't good role models to learn from. I have no one to learn from except from trial and error. Sometimes I dont know if im doing right or wrong. Such as whether I should forgive K right there and then...

K said that I had never thrown so much tantrums like a kid ever before marriage. I guess, I really cannot cope with the changes after marriage hence, the extreme behaviors. The fleeting weekdays numb any negative emotions. Then come the weekend and I cannot recalibrate in time.Then, the nightime conflict and bedtime talks that often turn sour. The fragmented dreams and tears.

That's why I said I wish someone warned me and pre-empted me. Because, I cannot adapt fast enough.

I feel so sad and helpless.

Hopefully hiatus time helps calm me down.