I hate goodbyes. I hate how relationships forged could be so transient we have to bid farewell even before people can get anywhere at all... And I think about the times I have to say goodbye to people around me. I think about LKY's passing. Whether people wished him Au Revoir? And if one indeed desires to meet another again in the afterlife, is there really such a thing? And then I think about Science. How we are all made up of cells and we think so intricately because of nerves and synapses. So how could there be an afterlife. I imagine beings meeting in a third dimension and embracing one another. If there is no afterlife, then why do I visit the temple and pray for the good of everyone? Why am I even praying, do I even believe? Or maybe, it is just a no-harm kinda thing, to wish for everything to go well, for everyone whom I pray for. Well, I never know right? Then I imagine the future where I am all alone after work, I scroll through Facebook in the hall after dinner having my alone time - just like what I am doing now. But. The house would be empty, silent and I will be all alone. I think of the day I have to bid my parents farewell and how devastated I might become. I'd wail and cry and even collapse; no one will know. I will have to hang out with people very often so as to avoid cooping myself at home. Then I think of dramas where devastated people go drinking late into the night and wasting their lives away. The consequences of watching too much drama... And I think I really need a boyfriend by then because I know I will not be able to handle the events single-handedly.
Then, I think about returning to this home after a long day at work after seeing so many faces, trying to comprehend each of their individual complex personalities at school. I doubt I will be able to continue being a teacher when the time comes. Because, I do not have such a big heart to keep giving, and giving.
Giving much of hope, perseverance, determination (which I have a lot of) and belief for each and every student at school. That they might do well if I persevere on and drill them the way I have drilled myself. Somehow I feel that it is the nature of this job, sacrificing time and energy, my one-man's strength, to coach and guide 40 students X n classes. There is just so much of me that I can give. And because I have no other personal commitments outside of work right now, I am able to give. Would things change eventually? Is this how Teachers become jaded? When personal commitments build up, you just do your best and not go the extra mile?
How much of me is that generous?
I thought, in the far future, I would be too tired to give. For others. For strangers. When I cannot even GIVE to my loved ones, not anymore.
You see, such a simple 'Goodbye Till We Meet Again' set off this chain reaction of thoughts. I must be crazy. But no, I dont feel a least bit being in a depression. Is this normal?
In school, kids always do things and behave the way I had been when I was in AMKSS. Its like a deja vu... The exact same childish acts and thoughts which I have been through. Well, not too long ago. Many a times, I forget that I am 10 years older than them. 10 years dont seem that long right? But in a mere 10 living years, a lot would have changed. They have never heard of neopets at all. Neopets which got me addicted to since Primary 3, with the advent of DIAL-UP internet connections.
Okay. Typed out all that ran through my mind. The momentary urges of tears for no particular reason. I think, its the tears of my FEARs. Talking about fear, today I used a 4NT class for my after school sec 1 remedial with several kids. The sec4s returned to class and grumbled something in angst (about others using their classroom, I think) which I paid no heed to. Following that, they exited through the back door and kicked-BANGED the hind door shut so loudly I swear the walls trembled for a second. I stayed calm and continued speaking with the kids and I witnessed the stunned expressions on their faces. It took several split seconds for them to process what I have said before they could respond. There was a lag time. All 5 of them. That was fear. I'm glad that I wasn't as frightened as their little hearts and was a pillar of strength? I dont know how to describe it but that was fear which I saw in their naiive frightened faces :(
ay
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