heart

Theres a lot that AY has to do to strengthen this crying heart of mine, before I can face all the social pains of growing up that I witness in the kids.

Friend and I discussed about students in the class we both teach and we identified the 'outcasts'.  The outcasts whom nobody wants to group with.  The outcasts whom others always sabo.  The outcasts who dont do homework and they are lost but they suffer alone.  Friend told me she let them choose their own groups, and this individual outcasts sat there alone with no one wanting to group with them.  I recalled that in AMKSS, there was an outcasted girl in my class too. We said she was weird.  We spoke behind her back.  Merely harmless teasing. But now I know that they werent harmless. We assumed things about her and judged her so meanly.  I wonder how she's doing now.  We saw her on TV one day and I rang up my friends to share the discovery! She comes from a family with a silver spoon. But so what? We were merely curious about her, whom we didnt know of.
I reflect and I realised that seldom have I been the outcast in school.  I had many friends.  I joined cliques here and there.  I hung out with people who are similar to me.  I was never alone unless it was the solitude that I desired.  How would it have felt if the outcasts in class knew that their friends were ganging up against them to jeer at them and ostracise them?
Mind you, these outcasts in the class that I teach are very obedient and intelligent boys and girls who abided by rules and know their stuffs.
Friend told me that outcasted Boy B took out a penknife somewhere through the lesson and started hitting the table - a sign of disengagement/boredom... Boy B whom I see in class to be as innocent as a bear and meek despite his size.  He who helps me ever so willingly with the Visualiser and Projector. 

Theres a boy in class who caught my attention.  He reminds me of B.H from AMKSS. B.H, one of my better males friends in lower sec, a popular boy with everyone, the jovial one, the joker, the outspoken one.  I recall that he would phone me and we would test each other geography over the phone to revise together.  Yes, back then FRIENDS still phoned each other and chatted over daily matters...

Sometimes, I really forget that I am more than 10 years older than them.

Today I had 2 formal class observations.   Based on AY's personal standards, I would have failed myself for teaching Sec 3 SS.  I didnt even dare to tell my mentor that I felt like I have failed, because, I too desired to pass, to overcome this stage of Practicum.  No, nothing went bad at all.  My very encouraging and kind mentor who passed me for every module and gave me a chance to shine again.  But. The students were so disengaged at SS SBQ comparison skills, being the last period of the day in the sweltering noon heat.  I didnt even praise them for bearing with me.  They tried their best despite a few jokers whom I attempted to be stern at.  I wasnt even stern.  I didnt want to but I had to because it was formal observation.  A big part of this made me emo.  For the first time today, I glared at the group of boys, flaunted my authority though I guess it failed because I was nowhere here, nowhere there.  I really didnt wish to reprimand them as it would destroy the thin line of rapport that I may have weaved over 2 short weeks.  These kids.  When they dislike a teacher, they shut off completely and criticise the teacher, despite how experienced and effective her teaching may be.  These kids, they reported to me how they didnt enjoy my mentor's lessons at all because of the way she teachers.  These kids who believed in me not to carry tales and who believed that I will be more interesting than she is.  But no.  What am I compared to my mentor with years of experience.

Today, Nothing bad happened at all, but I feel like crying.  

This is the first day of my teaching that I have felt such strong emotions and am disappointed with my performance, although it really wasnt too bad.  I guess, there are too many gaps that I have to deal with, Im suddenly overwhelmed.

First, I need to strengthen this heart of mine.