glass shards

Da Jiu told me that I am more stable and wen ding than his boss's daughter who is the exact of me in Uni, same age, same faculty, like my friend.  He said that she's a tad more childlike and talkative and inquisitive and waves goodbye like a little girl just like I do. But. I realised that she has become my role model. Because she is sooo much stronger than I am, emotionally. Her dad (Da Jiu's boss) passed on months before Da Jiu did. How, did she cope with 2 such events in close proximity of each other? Da Jiu was the BEST UNCLE she has ever had, she'd told me. I would have broken down, like glass shards.

Why do I keep crying, why do I push the thoughts of everything he once did or told me, or the mere image of his presence in his everyday activities, flashing through my mind EVERY NOW AND THEN? and then i will start to tear and then physically Push the thoughts away again. When will this go away?

I need to talk to Seowhwee. I might need to see a psychiatrist. Maybe braving up to these memories by staying over at Aunt's for a period of time will make me accept the truth. I am sure this is some stage of grief that Seowhwee has shared with me about from Psychology.

Death hurts too much.

Recently, I want to travel solo and lead my life when Im all alone one day. I thought of not getting married  not having to build a family so that family issues might never have to occur. Love will never have to die.  When Im hurt like this again, I might pick up a religion to give me strength. But.  But in the meantime till then, my parents would be so disappointed and lonely if there are no kids, if I am not settled... What should I do?


Will time fade those memories. Hurry, end school so I can sort out these thoughts properly, for once.

I think I think too much. Maybe I'll really have to seek help someday.