Dearest Da Jiu.

exactly 1 week ago, I stroked Uncle's face and applied lotion on him for the last time. I wished I could have stayed longer, as long as I could for u to grab onto my hands, our hands, if that gave you reassurance.
My beloved Uncle, I overcame my fear, my phobia of death. Just because, It was you, Da Jiu. I took your passing alright, until the fourth night when Auntie said that you have already slept for 4-5 days. I broke down. To be honest, the week had been so hectic and too QUICK I cannot comprehend things fast enough, I was just, going along with the flow. Whats next whats coming up, my schedule for tmr, shuffling between school, home, the wake...
Uncle, you must be touched and happy right? Because, my Childhood Friends, the children from the kampong village whom you and auntie raised, carried you.  These are the children you loved dearly. The 3 brothers. One of which you have breakfast with every Sunday. One of which who's busy at work but has such a soft heart his puffy red eyes make me cry too. The youngest who is in army. Im sure he was sorry for not being able to visit you, he cried and spoke to you alone, while you lay there.
Am I mad writing in this tone as though talking to you?
When auntie said that you have been asleep for 4-5 days' long, it suddenly occurred to me that you lay so peacefully, you will never awake. no one would ask for me over the phone as frequently as you do and worry that your call would disturb my studies.  no one would always say to bring me nephew and niece out to eat good food. Remember the Pasir Ris Park promises? I always said you lie when I was young...
You had your last KFC drumstick, do u remember? You had the pau you wished for, albeit not the 10 that you demanded. haha.
Im glad I had that last stroll with you and Auntie. The long stroll all the way from your kampong house along the Kallang River, all the way to the marketplace and back home. Auntie even had a haircut but gained a earful from you for all the waiting. Im sure that haircut would have become a significant one for Auntie. Aye, that stroll came with much persuasion alright.  Im glad I visited you so frequently when you were so so ill. Your flaky dry skin that tears abit of my heart. I wished I could splatter on as much lotion as I do on myself to heal he flakes instantaneously. Your gaspings for air. It hurt me so so much. I can imagine the torment not being able to breathe. Every moment would have felt like dying. Oh you know, when I visited you, I kept looking at your diaphragm because I was afraid it would stop moving up and down. When I first saw you at the hospital, I cried. I almost forgot how plump you had been. You appeared half the size. Shrunken from your initial burly stocky physique.  I guess I was Shocked.  I remember rushing from school here and there, Because, I didn't want to have any regret at all, just in case I could not see you 1 last time. You couldn't see me. But you could recognise my voice. Oh, in the hospital, you hallucinated so badly, you conjured nonsensical stories and I played along to set your mind at ease. I felt like the BIGGEST LIAR ON EARTH lying to you. But you were calmed by it.
Did things occur too quickly I wasn't too depressed during the wake, or was I so because we have all expected it? Or was it the chantings? The Buddhist chantings. I did not breakdown as much as I thought I would. I guess it was the chantings. The monk told us to chant along with the words in the book as it would assist your transition. I followed his instructions sincerely. I chanted. The Chinese words were mind boggling. I made do with the hanyu pinyin. I guess it clamed the mind. Knowing that you were safe, on your way, somewhere smoothly. It might have settled down the mind, telling me that this is part and parcel of life. Nothing to grieve about, just, he has left for another place. Its a transition.
I never really know much about religion. But, I might have felt the magic of this ritual. I will never know...
My niece. Does she hate everyone at home? Does she not love her Grandpa? I witnessed the frown on her face when she performed a part of the rite. I was baffled. How could you show that emotion to your Grandpa who doted on you so.  Relatives suspect depression but I suspect not. I should talk to her soon. My childhood friends, one of the 3 brothers, he patted my head in encouragement while I weeped. It meant a lot. That encouragement. We realised who were the filial ones, who loved Da Jiu/Uncle/Grandpa the most, who forgot all about him. We have seen it all.
I honestly think that Uncle would be happy. He loved crowds and respect.  And somehow I hope that after this, I would not be so frightened anymore. I hope my phobia would be gone.
Dear Da Jiu, seeing you suffer hurt me much more than anything else. RestInPeace. You are safe now. :)
It feels like school had ended somehow, as though I had taken too long a break from school.
Everything fell into place just nice, though Im still disorientated, because I might have forgotten or suppressed some emotions that one day when I sort out these feelings, I might bawl my heart out.
People come and go.
And Im still so afraid of the future. Its still scary how a being will just disappear from the face of Earth one day, eventually.
I think deep down, I still fear. I think im mad that im cyring only when I pen down all these things and settle myself down.
Oh 1 last thing. Thank you Da Jiu, who introduced me to your boss's (who is a distant relative to us) daughter who is my school mate. She is a History major year 4. She sent me cute photos of you. Thank you for allowing me to meet a new friend like her. She loved you too. She told me you are her FAVOURITE UNCLE out of the lot. =) Im sure you are!