During korean lecture, we were supposed to describe our family with newly learnt verbs. My male partner described his family and after he ended with the description of his sister, he mentioned a soft '안 좋아요' (which means I dislike). I couldnt catch it, and when I clarified, he brushed it away. I probed but he simply said nothing, forget it.. That was when I realised, everyone has a dark secret? Something you wanna let loose of but its difficult to do so?

Recall in secondary school, I told everyone that I had this protective shield on and no random people can read me? Haha. Secondary school... YESTERDAY. I realised that I have still been wearing this protective shield all along, protecting my happy self.  I found it so tedious to even think of letting someone into my life, my perfect comfortable life as it is now. I dislike changes, but if I dont try, I never know if the change would be good, its part and parcel of life, but I realised Ive been living in this shell; AY's own world, Kpop, friends, school, interests, family, future.

The mere thought of letting someone enter my life was so daunting. I have been alone all along as a single child and I cannot imagine having to share parts of my life the way it is now with someone. Maybe Im taking relationships too seriously at this point in time, in comparison to my friendships forged over 6,7,8,9,10 years or more ... but if its a long term commitment, its utterly terrifying to me.  I cannot grasp this reality and I cannot accept it yet.
I pondered too much. far too much over it. I was very troubled. Never have I had such a difficult time replying to a request to press that reply 'Enter' button on the phone. It was soooo tedious and my shell felt overwhelmed.
My friends tell me to give him a chance. I wish to too but Im afraid that I might be experimenting, instead of being serious? cos I cannot grasp this reality and I cannot accept it yet. and if it was meant to be serious, I dont think I can handle spending the rest of my life with him? or even with anyone else. Thats when I learnt that my protective shield has always been around me, I dont let anybody enter, not much deeper than my bestest friends. What more with a new person Ive been acquaintanced with? I contemplated turning down the request right there and then because of my sheer fear. And thus I will have no more worries of such.
But I know that's what a weirdo does, shutting people out.
Im scary yea?