I'm feeling weird these few days, several weeks for now. Like there's a heavyness weighing me right down. I feel so tired, troubled and insane. Many atimes i lay on my bed at night oblivious to Myself, that i am just - Functioning like a machine, lifeless stone. Its especially these few weeks, after promos, that everything is resurfacing. Like a taboo i wish to hide. Sometimes, these emotions just IMplode within me, rendering me so helpless and alone. I no longer care who bothers about myself in school, i yearn for that simplicity, yet i cant settle. Its the kind of carefreeness with Auri and Serene and Randy bro with his friends today at Macdonalds that keeps me alive, i was surprised i could crack really humorous jokes with them, and that THEY laughed with me. Ever since dont know when, i have lost track of myself. Ever since my parents' serious quarrell, i have lost complete control. It seems like i am rushing to fit everything into any ample time, reading, PW, Osle, Thinking, emoing... its craziness. i dont want to know anymore of you. Tell them to stop mentioning you! Dont remind me. Hold on. Here's my PW group mate. We are worlds apart, but there is just 1 reason i know why she's emoing so bad and i shant say, but i can never compare myself with her,i'm just a noob fierce dao kia, and appear nonchalant towards the guys and strangers swarming around me in NYJC... later. next year, i promise to resolve this. Blogs are platforms, for us to put on a false facade, or simply reveal who we are. Yet i have used it to lie, i thought declaring everything here will be fool-proof to prevent myself from going back on my words. I was merely trying. Today i intended to tell them at least, but they were brilliant enough to guess. Ha-Ha. anesthesia. I really wonder when will i regain that lightness within me, the once in a blue moon exuberant me. Maybe when i go to chiang rai i will overcome all these But, what if i take it even much worse? like... like... that hike under the stars and the grass. yes. I will be even closer to the stars than you had. I will be on the hilltop. I will miss everyone back home. Maybe that will rekindle my roaming consciousness. Will you Kick me, tell me you hate me, make me forget you. Yesterday i attended the MOE teaching scholarship seminar with Huiru, for once in my life i talked so much with her. I sincerely appreciate her company yesterday! Maybe its the OP dryrun, whereby my legs trembled. and i was dumbfounded at the assesor's question. i was traumatised for the rest of teh day, maybe. Is this difficult to read? Just like how i struggle to explain it all... Just. Just kick me so. stop it. i want to forget you. I have to do it soon. Regain my consciousness!! i must feel the lightness, like how the wind might sway me away. Its too intense i cant smile for quite awhile. Faster. faster. and christmas and everything shall come. I want pw to be over, I'm getting a phobia, over everything. Even bio, when i saw the Biopolis building yesterday. At least, ... because its the first time. This happened.