I feel bad. And i am sorry.
I wasnt able to help my friend. if i cant even help myself. i'm struggling so hard. you'd tell me i cant give up. But its suffocating me. I exited from the classroom in school to sit with peiling around the round tables. The few hills and lonely landscpae of the quiet school seemed to manouvre. For a split second. But i only witnessed the palm trees swaying. The PICTURE moved.
I was going crazy.
I trudged across the bridge home. I couldnt force a smile at all.
what do you do when you are stressed? what do you do when you are sad?
I cry.
but you only know how to do that!

My friends wake up earlier and earlier to study. I got up at 8am every morn previously. Now, 7 am. My friend told she awoke at 5am to do chem. No, not jealousy. I'm just worried, about myself. Mum just called to say she would be late home. Thank goodness. if not i wouldnt have burst - to give myself this liberty.
i'm getting paranoid. I was so traumatised by the insect that flew into my room 2 nights ago. Now this.
i slumped onto the bus seat on the way home. Hoping the bus would travel slower, slower. so i could prolong the excuse - the excapade.
this brief moment. For so long, words finally flowed like fluid into my mind explaining my inexplicables.
I used to pen it down immediately in my journals, so they wouldnt be lost.


this morning.
i miss the long walk i had to take to walk to school whenever the side gate is locked. i miss the exciting Bend, whereby i will peep through the crosses on the fence to catch glimpse of my beloved girlguide cadets. i would strain my eyes to decipher the people at the foyer, if they were my friends slacking. I miss the tranquility of the trees, the wind messing up my hair. as i round the Bend. The comforting music on my mp3 drumming, as i accelerate my steps in sync with the beats, yet i remind myself to slow down to take in the beauty of the Bend.
i had complained it was far. ironically, the last few days of school, stupid me reminded myself to walk slowly so i can take it all in - my surrounding as i wont be rounding that Bend anymore.
The pavement that led me through the rights and wrongs.
Four arduous years.
i had left the house purposefully 45 minutes earlier, to slowly stroll along the pavement to reach school. those were the tiniest steps i have ever taken in my life.
no more. for i'm always rushing to reach school now. Big strides.
i pictured my path along the Bend today, on the way to Macdonalds.
of my alma mater dear.

my face shrouded.

I'm utterly sorry to randy bro for not teaching him geography.
my laughters were, but empty chokeholds.

i'm too tired.
i dont need chicken rice anymore.
i want wings.
bring me to the Bend.
the trees shall absorb my tears.

hush!
leave no traces.
be strong girl!
where is your light? your guiding light?

I'd be fine after this.
Believe me.
Dear fungi gave me courage to face the better tomorrow.
He blogged that i was so stranger towards him.
i had sounded like a stranger, looked upon him like a stranger.
I have forgotten i was called a noob. seriously.
i was hurt, and guilty.
but i had felt thedespair as i watched my good friend step away from the web.
My web of friendship and strength.
Its okay.
at least now i know you still care. thank you very much.
we missed you alot. Dear mushroom.

save.safe.
ay.starsplash.noob.