Baby Z

 Baby is here!

Somehow, I did not feel the outpouring of love all of a sudden upon witnessing baby being placed on my chest, You know, how people comment that they did not realise how much they could still love another being.

I reflected and surmised that I have already begun to love baby Z right when he was a blob of cells up till every moment, I recall the worry I had every day, every gynae visit, and with every change in my body. People also told me that 'every gynae visit is a happy one!' but it was not the case for me. I was anxious with every visit. Was baby growing well? Did he put on weight? Has his head turned down? etc, etc, etc.

The delivery was quite traumatic. K said that I lost so much blood. I did not know; for I couldn't see what was going on... I had no epidural and all I could recall was cringing and squirming and withholding every contraction pain. Oh, speaking of which, the gynae told me that baby would be coming ANYTIME. So anytime meant waiting for days, to a week long, to even more days! Every night I wonder if that tingling sensation down below was leakage of amniotic fluid, or whether that tightening feeling was a contraction in the belly (never felt before so I did not know), but to no avail. I sorta 'threatened' baby as he was nearing the due date in 3 days' time that if he did not wanna come out, he would have to be induced! And then, that night water bag broke! Baby Z must have been scared 😄🙊! Alright so now I finally know what a contraction feels like. No fun. 

Laughing gas didnt make me laugh. It made me exert more effort holding the gas mask and pressing so hard... only once when the nurse held it for me that I entered dreamland AND I WAS SO SCARED IN MY SUBCONSCIOUSNESS THAT I WOULD WANDER WITHIN THE BUBBLE FOREVER I egged myself to wake up and listen, and respond to people such as the nurses and doctor talking to me.

I couldnt move back in the ward and I was so tired and in so much discomfort from the stitches and yet I could not rest - ironically, replying all the 1001 texts of concern and congratulations, and having nurse and baby visits. I almost fainted upon returning from the loo due to 'peeing blood'...

Back home, I look at the burrito that Baby Z is now, and recall every moment from the past. I miss the times when he was curled in my belly - I spoke to him every night and read him books - things which I have yet to accomplish much of now that he is in this world. I miss his kicks when he listened to music and hearing us speak to him. I miss being cautious with him inside me, moving slowly with care. Now and then, I lean my belly against the sinktop while brushing teeth and I suddenly realised that I ought to be careful; but Zylon is already out in this world! I lie flat on my back in comfort on my bed and I recall how cautious I was to consciously flip onto my right and left sides to sleep in order for baby's healthy growth within the belly... All these minute, trivial yet pertinent actions over the past 9 months... they linger...

I hug Baby Z now. I need to remind myself that he will never be this tiny again, and he would grow fast. Hence, i need to cherish this moment, this version of him right now.

As I have told Baby Z in my belly and right now - The world may be daunting but we will brave through it together! :)

Safe Haven

I dont think i have a happy family. Often times, i return home and wonder what had transpired between my parents while i was away... often times, i squint to hear any vouce of animosity exchanged between the two. Often times, I am ultra conscious of any actions that may stir up a desert storm in the walls of my home. And try to shield them in time...

Today, a colleague told me that Home is your safe haven, be the best version of yourself and give your best as they deserve it. 

Thought provoking. I feel that it is difficult for me to do so. With so many circumstances at home which affects me, how am I to be safemy best? Guiltily, I give my best at work instead... 

Every now and then, my parents being childish grownups, spew hurtful words and throw thorns at each other. Its true that my parents dont love each other anymore and its a chore living with each other - this, so much that I can witness. So frequently, mum will be in her emotional episodes and cease conversations with everyone under the roof - displaying her indignance and displeasure. 

What did I do wrong? Why doesnt she talk to me? And I gotta be on the precipice of my toes...

Anyway it is very stressful living in this house. But I have my responsibilities to fulfil as a daughter and I cant give up. I need to be in this house to ensure that everyone is safe and living okay. Just that, the ambience is stifling. It is easy to spiral into a mental state... I think there are symptoms of it in this house.

I have been holding it together fine. But what happens when I leave this house. Me making it sound like I am so pertinent a presence... oh, was it the umbrella that was opened yesterday that altered the balance of the dynamics? Was it the broom that swept past feet which smeared unhappiness?

What do beings do when they cannot stand things? They walk away. But of course there are so many commitments and responsibilities suspending you in position. This is the workings of life. 

I dont know what to do but let the episodes trail off. Haiz. Im tired. 

My new family in future shall adopt a different system. For my own reminder to come.

Ms Yeo Duties

 I was actually unsettled and there was always something tugging at the back of my mind this June hols. It was my guilt!!! 😖

Haha school holidays began with HBL and so things had not been the same. Slightly more disorganised, lazy, tedious, hectic, slack, everything in a jumble! I had informed the students that I would hold a revision zoom session during the June hols for revision of a topic or two... and uts now WEEK 3 of June hols... I was contemplating if I should just give it a miss and then do the revision when school reopens, after school... That's when an earnest student messaged me to ask if I were gonna have the revision session? (she was awaiting it!!! 😨) WOW.

Okay, since the student(s) are so willing to learn and I have promised them to revise with them, I finally scheduled a hasty revision syllabus for today haha! It took 1h45mins via zoom okay! I talked so much and wrote so much on my Wacom. Students answered my questions and were diligently copying notes (I'm certain 😏) several even whatsapped me to ask if I would share the zoom recording with them as they have missed out some parts! 

Ms Yeo was so touched! 😭 That they were so serious in learning and steadfast... I gathered some feedback and they shared that it was really useful 😭... Ms Yeo became more inspired to do my part hearing their feedback. Well, as teachers, even if the kids picked up only ONE PIECE OF KNOWLEDGE from my 1h45min lesson, it was something meant to be encouraging. And INDEED IT WAS!!!

So now, Ms Yeo is uploading the zoom recording onto Youtube cos file is too big cannot share via whatsapp.

I feel relieved that I have finally conducted the session. I feel grateful for these students. I feel heartened by their willingness to learn. 💗

Okay end of my happy feeling today amidst the work for my hols............................

Oh YEA. BTW. It was so cringy listening to my own nagging and lecturing from the recording oh wells. Sorry kids. I sound better in real life, I promise. 😬

HAPPI BITHDAE!

Today is my birthday! Many good things come my way! :D 

I had everything I wanted! A slice of choco cake of my choice, a cuppa that I requested for from The Coffee Bean, family steamboat meal on my birthday! Oh and my desired gift of an outing bag after contemplating since last Christmas!

Steamboat was awesome! It was the second time that my fam is having a steamboat together! The first time didn't go too well... dad purposely went to buy another table that incurred the wrath of mum and I... this year was better as were more aware of expectations and everyone lent an efficient helping hand! I enjoyed my steamboat birthday lunch with my loved ones :)

For some time now, there have been constructions on-going at my estate car park. My fam had been tracking the workers' work progress and sympathetic abour their long hours... we discussed about buying them some food and drinks... and today WAS THE DAY!!!!!! Cos it's AY's birthday, so AY volunteered to get them drinks and prata! Take it as a good deed done on my birth day! Haha!

Off JXAY went, to get 2 prata sets from the best prata stall in Serangoon North and 2 bottles of chilly 100 plus! AY was shy so tasked JX to hand over to the workers. They seemed shocked, and happy! We returned home a tad chirpier like a little cheap thrill or the fact that we intentionally did a good deed~

4 hours went by and it started to rain... the workers went to seek shelter and eventially left the site. I spotted the red plastic bag still lying at the corner where they have placed it... was the prata inside? Mum was upset. She told me that they have left it there, forgotten once the rain came and washed away their toil of day... The bag is still there. 

Somehow I felt sad. Somehow, mum seemed sadder than I am because her heart ached over AY's effort and kind thought. Somehow the familiar phrase of hao xin mei hao bao drifted several times through my head...

Would the workers have felt guilty when they eventually recall that they might have left it there? :( 

My $6 of prata down the drain? It might be peanuts to you, but it was my spontaneity, my effort and my willingness to gift, that was broken. 

Well, at least we have tried. At least we have the heart to, that's how human beings comfort themselves.

This year, several of my last year's batch of geog students wished me happy birthday. They added that they missed my lessons and that I was their favourite teacher! Are these the little words that keep teachers' sparks alive? I thought that mine had extinguished every teachers day, year by year. I dont think this keeps my flame alive. Its my love for the subject. These kids that appreciate, adds fuel to it! Nevertheless, #hellomsyeo is glad.

This year might have been one of the more memorable birthdays! Last year was school time due to the circuit breaker and K delivered Collins Fish and Chips to my school for my lunch!! Now, I recalled how happy I was! This year was precious family time... i dont know how long more I might dine with my family and spend so much time with them like this. As I would be moving out in the coming years... :(

Every moment together is a memory forged. Though sometimes contrived... oh wells...

AY is thankful for today. And AY's heart is filled for today. Just some nagging thoughts about my forgotten prata :( and how fast time passes, 12 June is ending soon and time is going by too fleetingly, its so sad!!! 

you dont know

 A lot a lot a lot of thoughts. A lot of thoughts that I dont think you, or anyone else will understand. A lot of thoughts that I feel makes all the sense to me, but to anyone else, it might seen redundant, non-essential or just, insignificant.

Yesterday I visited the Night Safari with Dad and K! It was a perplexing decision made.

Firstly, K had insufficient $ in his voucher hence, needed to top up the cash. Secondly, should I bring dad along? Thirdly, if I were to visit the Night Safari, I would have no more funds to bring Yima on her SG Flyer ride.

It was really difficult for me to make a decision. Deep down, despite the desired quality couple time that I would enjoy with K, I decided to bring dad along as no one else would bring him to visit, except AY. If not this time, when will be the next? When I bring my kid along? Who knows how long that would be?

So I went by my motto of - no regrets. I brought dad along so that I have no regrets of not wanting to bring him along. Dad had hinted before that he was interested! And of course, when I invited him, he hestitated not at all. haha.

But that brings me to the fact that I got to reject Yima for SG flyer trip. It's really difficult, trying to suit everyone and taking everyone into consideration. So, pathetically, AY gave up Flyer with Yima. I needed to spend time with both my parents, my husband and craft out time with myself hence, it was reasonable that I gave up on certain considerations. Well, that was my rationale and reasoning. Not against my conscience. Also, I always feel that 'AY cant cut herself into so many parts to spend with everyone!' Yima would be very disappointed. She has bugged me several times when I would be bringing her. She was waiting for me. But I chose to do what I wanted and what I felt was right.

Today is Sunday. I decided to go to Giant with mum. I knew that mum has missed travelling out with me. She is often on her own on weekends. Not that this arrangement is new but, just a little sad and lonely. She has mentioned that she has not gone out with me for a very long time (in the past was on weekends / for dinner / marketing / school holidays) but I am so tied up now, adapting even after marriage. So, I really wanted to go out with her. In addition, it was largely to bring her out, for a walk. To get some Vitamin D, for some overhead bridge exercise, and some interactions with other humans. She does not like walking much. Under the hot sun. Couldnt carry heavy stuffs due to her skinny frame. But AY could lend some help! 

I told K that AY is busy! AY got to put aside time for dad and himself, and also for mum. K asked why mum could not go alone. She needed to be independent. Learn to be independent when AY eventually leaves. It was so sad to hear. I got annoyed and upset and disappointed and my emotions welled up and I was angry and offended, all at the same time.

My parents have only got me. Without me, they would have to lead their own lonely life. Not as if my parents are the best old age companions for each other. While I can, and am still living here, I will care for them. While I have the capability to, I put aside time for my parents. While I still have the energy, I help with the chores at home and the groceries. 

I will continue to care for them, even if miles away. I could order redmart groceries for them.

I cannot accept that Im told to leave my parents in their zones when that's the least I can do to play my role as a daughter. 

I will forgo my work, to bring them out. I recalled I forgoed much fam time while schooling. And then when I had depression, I seized every chance to be with them, sticking to them for any ounce of respite and safe haven. I think that my actions do bring my parents comfort and solace and it's all that matters. 

Mum thanked me for going to Giant with her. She thanked me for carrying the heavy potatoes and onions. Why would a parent have to thank their child? Shouldnt it be the other way round?

I felt that what I have done is right. In-line with my principles and morals.

I dont think you will ever understand it the way I do. I dont think you will do things the way I do. But it's alright.

Because ultimately, I do know what I ought to do.

Teach me if I am wrong.

Dreamscapes

Today, i dreamt that I visited an abandoned house. A part of Geylang house that has been returned to the Government, cordoned up, barricaded.

I dreamt that we managed to get in to visit late one night. I wondered how we entered and it turned out that we simply kicked the barricade which was so brittle it broke, pushed open some metal railings and entered - easy peasy!

In there i recall the abandoned mattresses where we could have spent the night. But we went on exploring forgotten places and chanced upon a stairwell leading up so we went and it was a new labyrinth which my brain had concocted! There were many rooms, a big hall-like area and even a sky bridge that connected to a skyscraper outside of the hall. We tried walking on the bridge which was stable and a viable route to take! On the right side of the hall, it overlooked a green hill and I spotted something! A cream furry head which turned out to be llamas!!! And the 2 llamas then moved and sauntered past me. What a view!!

So the hall was just a big empty space, every corner and area designated for use by... (ridiculously) one CCA... haha. The corner top right area was for Choir, filled with masking tapes, double sided tapes etc for use... random much. And then on the stage area, it was covered with so many cardboard boxes strewn all over from the shifting out, we thought - perfect to sleep on! Call the rest of the people in!

Then another worry crept in, I wondered if we will be safe up here? If we could enter so easily, anyone else could enter too, and perhaps capture us? So i thought of taking turns to patrol... but where?? Downstairs on my own would be too dark, lonely and i guess, scary for me to be alone. We decided to patch up the hole on the barricade which we had kicked and also to close the metal grilles as though everything was untouched but inside would brim with people and life!

I think at a certain point, some others tried to enter and we panicked and ran up to inform the rest. I think I awoke then...

Anyways it was a really interesting dream. How I had imagined an upper floor on my own, the field on the other side of the house with llamas roaming and the connection to the skyscraper. Me considering an appropriate place to sleep on and the safety aspect. Oh my!!!!

Everytime i wake from random dreams of places, i ask myself if my soul had floated away to visit various places. The thought of it feels both surreal and scary...

Thats the end of my dreamscape!

질문 더

What time did you return home yesterday?

How was your dinner with your friend?

How was work today?

Was it a difficult day at work?

Did you exercise today?

Did your job application respond to you thus far?

Did you read my blog?

Did you see my message?

I exercised today.

My colleague said a funny thing to me today.

My boss was in a good mood today.