Safe Haven

I dont think i have a happy family. Often times, i return home and wonder what had transpired between my parents while i was away... often times, i squint to hear any vouce of animosity exchanged between the two. Often times, I am ultra conscious of any actions that may stir up a desert storm in the walls of my home. And try to shield them in time...

Today, a colleague told me that Home is your safe haven, be the best version of yourself and give your best as they deserve it. 

Thought provoking. I feel that it is difficult for me to do so. With so many circumstances at home which affects me, how am I to be safemy best? Guiltily, I give my best at work instead... 

Every now and then, my parents being childish grownups, spew hurtful words and throw thorns at each other. Its true that my parents dont love each other anymore and its a chore living with each other - this, so much that I can witness. So frequently, mum will be in her emotional episodes and cease conversations with everyone under the roof - displaying her indignance and displeasure. 

What did I do wrong? Why doesnt she talk to me? And I gotta be on the precipice of my toes...

Anyway it is very stressful living in this house. But I have my responsibilities to fulfil as a daughter and I cant give up. I need to be in this house to ensure that everyone is safe and living okay. Just that, the ambience is stifling. It is easy to spiral into a mental state... I think there are symptoms of it in this house.

I have been holding it together fine. But what happens when I leave this house. Me making it sound like I am so pertinent a presence... oh, was it the umbrella that was opened yesterday that altered the balance of the dynamics? Was it the broom that swept past feet which smeared unhappiness?

What do beings do when they cannot stand things? They walk away. But of course there are so many commitments and responsibilities suspending you in position. This is the workings of life. 

I dont know what to do but let the episodes trail off. Haiz. Im tired. 

My new family in future shall adopt a different system. For my own reminder to come.