bleak winter

While watching the drama titled Angel Eyes, the first two episodes made me cry till my eyes hurt. The male lead lost both of his two parents. I cried as though I'm feeling actual despair. What do I do when the day comes, because I have no siblings to be strong for. I have to be strong on my own and. Will I be able to overcome it? Yes, it is because of this - I Googled for this terms.  My fear is that between thanatophobia and necrophobia. You may Google for their definitions if you bother. Typing those two words already gave me shivers.  Maybe, my fear resulted in my bawling while watching the drama.
The male lead went off to America and returned back to Korea years later.  When I'm old, I might have shifted out, or I may have migrated overseas. Returning home here, to Serangoon North; How would things look? The familiar corridors and the door itself. But it would then belong to someone else.  AY always wonders about these bleak thoughts. and then I looked around and felt that. Even though the 3 of us are living here now, we dont talk much. Mum and Dad's relationship ain't good. Its as though we are 3 strangers living under the same roof. You too. Why are you so mean, somehow, AY?

If, all of us suddenly perish one day, what would become of this house? The house would have been locked up, unknown to the world. When the agent or investigators come to check things out, they would enter a silent musty home which once belonged to 3 people. A thick coat of dust would have laid on all surfaces.  The ground would be sticky with dust, dotted with dead bugs. Or maybe big bugs wont enter, because the windows have been shut tight for too long.  The uncirculated air would somehow resound with a woo woo woo? It would have been so silent you could hear a pin drop. When he opens the wardrobe, he would see my clothes, AY's color schemes. beloved pieces all hung up. the soap in the toilet would have dried up it flakes and cap bottles too brittle.  The view through the window obscured, he could write words on the coat of dust on the glass panals.  But my bed would have been left the messy way it was every morning, with every item spread out on the bed. AY says she's airing the pieces.  It would have been left in those original positions.
What have happened to us, such that we could not clear our tracks? and now, others have to dispose of tracks of us, in order for others to inhabit.

Sometimes I am this depressive.

I regret not studying psychology.  In dramas, people with psychological backgrounds could understand others better. I think its true.  How these people including my close friends who majored in psych look at others through different lenses.  If only I had studied psychology, I could understand others, or rather, myself better. BFF Seowhwee told me about the 5 stages of grief.  At least I would be able to gauge which stage I had been in at different stages of my life. Is it too late?  Many of my friends studied things that they had no use of in the future.  One psych friend is in the ICA, some others in MSF. If I had knowledge about psych, I want to do something to understand people better. Oh, this reminds me of something.  That day having breakfast with my JC friends, one of them hesitated when I asked if his sister studied nursing at Poly.  He revealed sheepishly that she studied at ITE. There was totally nothing wrong with that! Im proud her, for she now works at IMH. I forgot to tell my friend that it is perfectly alright!.

I digressed. If I study psychology at SIM, would it be recognized? Is it tough? Do I have to mug for exams like I have done for ... 16 years? Would I be too fatigued after work (teaching) to do so (part-time studies)?

Sighs. The toilet is where endless streams of thoughts pulse through my head. Thoughts like this. It calms me down or makes me worry over things. But at least, my thoughts get sorted out.

Sometimes, I am this depressive its scary. Well, at least you know what I have thought about, yea.