CCA camp has ended!
I realised Im no longer a Year 1, embraced and protected by Seniors; I am a senior myself now. No longer will there be anymore compromise with regards to mistakes made. I have to Grow Up and muster confidence to partake in responsibilities.
I was jealous that the juniors received good hospitality, when I was behind-the-scenes as logistics head. I picture juniors sitting with us in the conference rooms for future meetings, it is a strange setting, something unfamiliar that i require time to adjust to again. For Im no longer the maknae (the youngest in korean) amongst the circle, being looked upon. When specific juniors were teased about, it seems the limelight has shifted. Do you feel relegated? This is wrong. :X
Do you fear?
I fear my CCA Leader. His eyes make me crinch. He hasnt done anything frightful, just that his poise and authority as the Head of CCA with his professionalism daunts me. His questions are so powerful they render me dumbfounded. Intellect has intimidated me, again. In cca, when i share that im from NY, i feel inferior. I believe its a fact that people do judge based on your background. When a senior mentioned he came from the worst JC, I guessed it all wrong. His worst......., was referring to AJC, which I have looked upon and had yearned to go to... Sometimes, I really do admire myself being courageous, all alone dismantling the circle of elites.
Stumblingblock.
I am unable to look people in the eye while talking. I dont look at people when they speak to me, one-on-one. Im unsure of how to react. Do i simply stare at the eyes, or look at the entire face? Do i look away at times, or hold my gaze fixated? There was this moment my leader said to me to stop looking at the ppt screen, look at his face and explain the info all to him in my own style. I panicked. I couldnt look him in the eye at that formal instance when I havent even fully looked at my girl friends whilst talking before. Will this be my stumbling block?

ay