Today was mum's school's BBQ... but i found no hype in it. How was i able to cheer and rejoice, for a first day without my handphone. The chalet was nice. sitting by the pool reminded me of OSLE's BBQ last week, when i sat with Seowhwee by the pool at the condo and simple chatted. But not at this Chalet here. I yearned to jump into the pool like the children, and splashing my heart out, if only, there wasnt pressure from A levels... The child in me is lost. I couldnt imagine myself running on the field with them, like their teacher had done. I didnt play with them, because my heart aint there... say its bio hindering me. but probably i'm masking the lost of my phone.
New pouch, replacement phone. I flipped it round and round and round and round in my hands, wondering why, people would just retrieve the pouch from my backpack pocket. Just a star pouch, very starry indeed, and an old ancient modelled phone. which i protect so well. Why would a pouch just disappear from my life like this, out of my touch. The new pouch makes me sorrowful. The replacement phone - i try my best not to touch or utilise it. I dont want to tag my heart to anything anymore... Its so hurtful... in the midst of the chaos at the chalet when i flip the new hp pouch over and over again in my hands, my eyes well, i wished i had been at home; Children - the were in their own playworld. Mum wouldnt be returning home these two nights, staying with them at the chalet... I dont know how i might pull through these two nights. i will definitely reminisc. and i wanna go running to mum crying, and telling her
I'm so sorry.
She blames me. The tone she chided me for having only myself to blame and nothing else... But she did not scold me. From the triviality she sees in this matter when she jokes to all her friends how pathetic i was last night for losing my phone. 9.15pm, on the shuttle bus out of chalet I recall, i had been stunned by the realisation, in tears. Thinking about anything, stoning, keeps me shut out from this grieve, i reckon i need a long time to heal.
All boys at the chalet. I talked very much to this P1 boy.. he's so cute, so handsome, so brilliant... i wished he were my brother. I'd be so honoured. He looked very familiar. Another in grey tshirt, i stared at him time and again... trying to figure him out.
and, i realised they all resembled someone. The cute P1 boy resembled Lilan's Brother. Speaking of her, i feel cold... and empty like i no longer have got anything to do with her, but her story will forever be carved in my memory. Lilan's brother - its sad thinking of her brother. But this jovial kid today, probably rekindled the only memory i remember of her brother at her home.
and the second boy in grey shirt, resembled the kid in Chaing Rai, Thailand. Just that the thai 'version' was more warm and friendly... Both of them are quiet, but the thai kid was willing to learn, and thai kids respect elders alot. They learn simple ABCs unlike the kids here who jeered at me, for being.. just a teenager, nothing great. They are different. Significantly, i was intrigued to find out more about him during my stay at the camp with them in Chiangrai. The same curiosity, as i searched deep into the face of this grey shirt boy at the chalet.
I wanna go to that chalet, jump into the pool. Squeeze with my friends on the bed, star gaze. I insisted on leaving early with the excuse on the pretext of school... i didnt want the emptiness of the lost to overcome me. No matter how much i desired to plomp down at my desk to start routine, i had to pen down these thoughts... Something i cannot compromise without, or i would become a heartless girl in no time. I cannot lose the grasp on my emotions.
Today i ate and ate, hoping it would compress all my bad feelings.
and i got to return to reality in awhile's time.