I'm surprised at myself. that i was too busy and tired to even tear yesterday despite the sad news. and i thought i have recovered from the setback and stopped brooding over it after aday.
But you know what mum did????? she just keeps emphasizing on the chaos over there and keeps saying and saying, and this morning she even sent me a long message about the happeneings back there and asked me to forward to my friends! WTH! I am already this heartbroken, and she still like adds oil to fuel and blowing it so very big!!!! that, i almost just broke down in tears of anguish. i'm literally hitting the keyboard and venting all of it out....!!!! and like that, she sounds angry with me in her sms... whatever... i am sad and why cant you ever be more Sensitive and make me better... Did you know i was sad? Did you know i was unusually quiet yesterday evening? Did you know i struggled hard to conceal my welly eyes? Did you know how my friends who called me and messaged me comforted me? Did you know, how, till late yesterday afternoon, i still held that weak spark of hope, that it wouldnt be cancelled, that i attempted to escape from reality? How i try not to be emo lest you scold me for my moodswings. Are you so busy to even notice these? or am i just acting like an insensible child amidst your working woes and joys like you accused me in your sms?
i know you meant well, to persuade me to give up. but i AM DEPRESSED. i needed comfort, and i struggled to tell you how sad i was. is this the ignorance of your insensitivity towards me.
this time i cry, this is worse than disappointment over the cancelled trip, how my mum has disappointed me.
I am sad.
Is it this tough, being your child?

i wonder why yesterday morning i still blogged happily about OSLE and even changed my songs to suit the mood, like i always do, and later in school this news that the trip might be cancelled just came BA BA BOOM! and i know its the end. Its due to the chaos in Bangkok, the airport is closed down, flights are cancelled and blah.
just when i have mentally prepared myself for the insects attack and the chilly cold to be expected, just when i have gained my strength to lug the haversack, just when i have prepared everything. Its not the money spent on items bought.
Its the metal strenth cut, like a taut rope.
Just when i really feel Belonged (after such awhile) and a part of them, hanging out together after dismissal...

Fine then. i'll go work. I'll study in the mornings and work in the afternoons. i will study. I'll go out with my friends. I'll attend redcross activities, i will attend redcross's anniversary dinner. I will attend uncle's son's wedding dinner otherwise i'll be in chiang rai; though i'm really fond of attending wedding dinners, this thought has failed to cheer me up. It aint enough, to make up for my lost strength overnight.

I'm blessed with lovely friends. Yesterday, my best friend KL called me and we chatted. and guanyi messaged 'how are you!' and peiling enquired about my trip.
maybe its time i took that many steps, to play my part in sustaining the bonds, and stop waiting upon others. i will not be like them, like what my friends tell me they are the ones sustaining a friendship with another, that if they do not initiate a call or a message, the other person will forget about them.
Is everything I'm in such a flop?
ay.starsplash... ...


can i swear?
Damn It.