there's something that occurred.
something i avoid trying to make sense of.
she is used to blabbering about what happened in school for the day.
her friends.
the children -
how the child held her hands-
oh, so touching.
she has forgotten what i have told her
i went to bake cookies.
at my friend Louisa's house.
she has forgotten.
she didnt ask how she was.
how i had played my part as a Good friend.
she just reiterates her happy moments time and again.
and Probably, she has read my Journal
which i avoid trying to believe
but i did say these in my dear Journal.
and the next day
oh, so coincidentally,
she messaged me:
you havent told me what was the outcome of the cookies!
oh well,
you didnt know, you will not know.
You would blame me,
for I should be the one updating her.
But.
when she has so much on her mind,
the grievances over her pay scheme
the ugly people in the office
the lingering sweetness her friends might have sprinkled.
Why.
why would i interrupt that train of thoughts
and burden her with the
trivial knowledge
of my routine activities.
After that one sms from her, which i did not reply
she hasnt asked about it.
Maybe, she has now forgotten she has asked that question.
well, let me tell you.
It was so exciting.
we planned to go to Louisa's house at Sembawang to bake a cake!
but since her mum aint home, we decided to go to a mall.
and since causeway point at woodlands is so mundane,
we headed to Jurong point at Boonlay.
Anyone would have exclaimed:
Oh man, that's SOOOOO Far!!!!! Go there for what???
but.
i never saw that curiosity from your face.
we never baked any cookies after all.
i've said it here now.
if you read it, you will know.
Today, we had a sumptous dinner!
you came back late, at 6.30,
instead of the usual 4.30
which eventually dragged past 5.oo.
we had western food!
you must have forgotten about my gum infection which lasted for over a month.
its still there.
you forgot.
it was expensive.... i felt the pinch for you.
but i didnt care, and i enjoyed the meal, totally.
when you went towards the stall
my nose stang
and my eyes welled.
because i think its like a...
'making-up-for'.
a bu chang.
for all the -Forgottens- you have given me.
i accept it.
i ate in silence,
while you entertained me with your...
rainbow life now.
i felt so ... empty,
something missing.
some...
love.
because i felt that you have since forgotten my presence.
some, at least.
it doesnt matter to you so much anymore
because i'm in JC now, and am suppossed to be independent.
but last night on my bed
i felt like an ultimate mummy's-little-girl.
you know what i did...
i need not say.
and this feeling's coming round all over again
and again
and again.
you no longer enquire about PW
about my results
about osle.
about what i ate in school, for the day.
oh yes!
when i went to vivocity with kianlam,
you didnt ask where we went to blah blah.
nor why we had even gone THERE!
oh gosh...
You will blame me once more -
that I should be the one telling her.
Does she have time to?
she's so tired eyes lumbering in the hall every evening.
well,
sleep, go sleep.
at least you are happy each day.
i'm satiated.
just let me say out all the sadness.
and i will be fine, like ALWAYS.
no wonder
recently i have felt utterly lonely
when i used to tell my friends:
haha! why would i be lonely? i have brothers and sisters all around me!
Is that a lie, a facade?
well,
just let me dream.
the unspoken realms.
where mum
hasnt forgotten about me.

ay.starsplash.
i feel so immature.
that's why i cant be
and why i'm emo
and why i couldnt care about people around me...
sometimes//