Dear Bloggy
Where shall i start?
I couldnt concentrate. 100%, with my Greeny gang today. I must admit it was one of the most fulfilling outings TOGETHER once more... so long have i not played so carefreely with them. Yet issues tug relentlessly at the rear of my mind, that it eventually overpowers everything nice. So, - the swing; i swang back into my own World at the end of the day. He was singing... (haha) but i werent listening at all. The many bengs and lians around, yet i didnt take notice of anyone of them. I was adrift, here there everywhere.


You cannot say this. =(
Dont say out of everyone else, i am the least probable who might retain in JC. Dont say i study so hard and if i dont pass, what's the point. Dont say i'm smart and i can do it. Dont say anymore.
Because if i had failed my chem, and flunked my Bio, its tragedy. If i fail GP and Math, its disastrous. How am i gonna cope with J2. If i score badly for Geog. I'll tell you, then there's nothing left for me. At all. Because that's the only subject that holds my interest, that i aint dreadful of studying despite the drudgery of it all... and that if i too, flunk it, That's the end.
Because i cant study like before. Because my brain is gone. Because all the tonic and eyebags have gone down the drain, because i have lost the Momentum. Because. Because its worthless now. Because i have lost it all.

i scored a 44. FOUR, the double unlucky digits, and i subconsciously began blaming my TUTOR. That she aint as competent as the other teachers and blah blah... Its acting once more - My BLACK DEVIL's Excuse. Why am i doing this? i ought to knock myself against the wall. Knock me. and then i blamed it on my exam schdule. That i had math and geog papers the previous day, so i had lesser time then all the other students for Chemistry revision... Shut Up, what are you doing AY!!!?! Its your own fault. That the temptations of the world wide web and television and outings and lazings at home, and sleep and daydreaming couldnt hold me back.

You were disgusted with my mugging habits, that all i knew was to mug, day in, day out, day and night. That i needed a life. That i needed a break. that i was a monster, somehow, yea, somehow. I felt like one too, sometimes.
You know what? I know myself very, very well. if i didnt study, its a 10/20 for an mcq test. others achieved 18/20. though they might have known the questions before hand, (Bloody devil, get lost of your excuses) i had. TEN.
and if i studied, its a 44.
maybe. maybe its just my OWN expectations. dont blame me.
They. whom YOU know, scored 50s, 60s...
I'm not comparing. just, just that
I cant do it anymore.
i felt helpless all of a sudden. That i wanna go all quiet, and pretend. pretend nothing happened. Their Disappointment in me. Humiliation, embarrassment, jeers. No, it didnt pierce a single shard, because i have pierced it myself. And at the spur of the moment, how i wished the haunting sequence of emotional turmoil i have undergone in secondary 3 revived... Its was a nightmare. But at least i didnt let myself down...
Wake up. Wake up.
I have to mug. Hard. Now do you know why i have to mug? If you still dont see the rational, see the way AY does things, Then you so DONOTKNOW AY, and if you still Couldn't accept the way i AM, and that's why we cant be; and that... i have eventually lost you. =(


Peiqi and i frolicked to cineleisure to watch CONNECTED!!! It is our maiden movie together with AURI !!! so nice! omg. When the car crashed into 'Grace''s car (role of xiao S, is that it???) omg i jumped! and then everytime the kidnappers pointed the gun at the victims i will be clutching my hands so tight to prepare for .. er... for the worst... for the kidnappers shot POINT-blank, and everytime i flinched and squinted my eye without fail. When the saviour hero (eddie cheung - is it??? haha) tracked down the enemies, i would be communicating with him la, saying, 'HURRY HURRY!!!! omg!!!!' ohoh, because of Grace's brother who took a video of the murderers shooting people at a park, they were being sought after, and in order to retrieve the camera, the kidnappers had to hunt down the entire of Grace's family... Then the hero found the camera and i was like telling him - " give to the police!!!!!!!!!!!!! give to the police!!!!!!!!!!!""""""" and then i will be thinking, but he has no phone, and has no car, how to... (i was writig my own script...) Auri was always covering her ears without fail when shooings took place!!! i looked at her and i started giggling continuously... and PEIQI was er, emotionless, for she laughed when they killed!!! but she was so smart!!! she knew that the policeofficer who 'saved' the hero was a villian in disguise.. just when i thought the movie was about to end... AHHHHH... SO NICE!!! it wa sso exciting and captivating that my muscles were so tensed with the movie that it kept twitching... okay, i think you dont know what i mean... The hero was so distraught with the mess of himself, in the name of saving a STRANGER, while forsaking a promise made to his young son, that was the ultimate toying of emotions and kindness of a human being... blah blah.. ANYWAY,
Surong and her classmates were ironically in the same cinema as US, we only realised till the show ended. LOL!!!!!
It the best CHINESE movie i have ever had.. haha. second time going to cineleisure this year!!! gallivanting till so late!!XD
And off we headed to our beloved AMK Hub for dinner, and they went to play pool (er. sorry, is it this pool? hah!!!) , i went to buy shorts to enter (huiru went to buy shorts with me, i found it a tad awkward, but she said it was ALRIGHT... =) thank you =) ) !!!! then, it slowly began... No No, its not being there with you all around the pool table okay. My first time there, and randy peiqi they all telling me all sorts of things and playing, joking... made me think and think... , and i tried to be Back There with them by... haha, stealing their billiard balls secretly.. till randy realised - " eh, where is that blue ball in front of the hole?????" apparantly the easy ball he wanted to hit... humph! and peiqi was laughing and let the cat out of the bag hence i had to surrender the 3 stolen balls... Fun was over... haha. learnt a little how they played, saw the arena finally... LOL... i was the noob there but i Dont Care! Auri said everything has a first time ma...
then peiqi told me i shouldnt be there for its a place for ah lians and bengs.. well, yup, shouldnt be there, but i didnt have that bad an impression of the place after all... =) so ncie sitting, watching, listening to the nice songs! yea. and thinking alot.
and i left at 10 plus...

and decided to give mum and dad a surprise by buying CONNECTED tickets for them to go watch together haha!!! still in the midst of planning, hopefully this shall rekindle some of that drifting between mum and dad... =) so guai right, i AM! haha... of course!
because i am their only child! =)

several days before today, i wasnt anticipating the last day of promos, i was worried bout PW, what's all that's coming up... OSLE to Chaing Rai, PW, OP, Red Cross... OMG... everything's piling up!!!! I'm left with 2 week in december, after i return form chiang rai. I am prepared, to return with the ULTiMATE PHOBIA OF INSECTS that might have frightened all the WITS outta me there. Trust me. if you are my friend, kill all the insects i can see for me.

and after fulfilling all the plans i have -
= curry noodles with qingyun
= outing with jingjng and kianlam.. i want to go clark quay and bugis and vivo...
= cycling with 2/5 0'50'60'7
= teach peiqi cycling!!!!! (i'm so excited!!! i hope to teach her the mental strength. she was so shy to learn, because people sayings she's big sized, they cant teach her... True friends make her learn!!! =))
= Changi airport with LOUISA!!!!!
= the highlight - GRENNY GANG Chalet!!!! all MY friends must come okay!!!!! haha!! I wonder if it will even materialise with all the weight piling on me...
but i have to do these, not let precious friendships and memories drift, this lil' sacrifice...
I'll book the chalet in december!!! but randy bro might return to cambodia... =( ... nvm, still have Guanyi!!!!!! EYEBROWS!!!! He dyed his hair yesterday, its as black as his eyebrows now.. haha...!! XD

Yes. Tonight, my face was flushed... I dont know why. It was patchy redness. Pimples, Guilt... The colour of repentance. Culpability, Realisation.
Knock knock. wake me up.

I'm sorry this post's so long... Its going into my Journal.

and yea.
I did, miss you. shh.
merely.
Goodnight!
Thank you Greenies for making my day! =)





Love, AY//