WHEN
i was little, i would rebutt every comment mum threw at my face deep in my heart and insist that i am correct. It soon became a routine, i would pacify her for hours, i would not talk to her for days... i remember clearly that the record was about 3 weeks, we played - cold-war, while my butt rotted in my study room reading storybooks for 12 hours... then eventually i still had to lower my pride and declare that it had been my fault even though i do not feel remorseful at all. and she would dig up all the other wrong things that i have ever done. i hated that.
without fail, she would dig out all the stuffs... till i cry. when i was little i never felt rguilty.
until recently when i have grown, that i feel the misery whenever mum doesnt talk to me. Like i am so vulnerable and alone all of a sudden. when sorry-s no longer work... because i once depended so much on mum's presence at home while i rushed home at the first chime from school.
i was disillusuioned - i just wanted to keep something from her, i was bewildered in being superior, to hold a knowledge she wouldnt decipher... but ultimately i spouted 3 nonsensical lies in a row only to shatter - myself. She was disappointed.
I have tempered with the routine. *insensibility.
why did you have to lie anna yeo?
i remember this lie the most distinctly, because it hurt mum.
i love you mum, i cant speak it out yet. one day, i will.

maybe i had been entranced in my euphoria, struggled in the heaps of 'school', grappled with the love of undulating frienship.
I was wrong. it is a crime.
like a noobxxx somehow.


ay.starsplash.
what's lost
is impossible to retrieve
和你们在一起
是我最初, 和最后的天堂