dearest journal
my beloved journal
today was such a bad day. such a bad day i emoed all the way after bio test.
the bio teacher came to tell me i was writing too slowly... and i didnt know how to do 1 entire question on hydrophobic membrane stuff... =(
you know how depressed i was. how i felt what i have done wasnt enough... how i wasnt like this in secondary school.... my friend was saying she counted and she only got about 10 marks upon 45, and she was suddenly so silent like i've never seen before. with that, i realised the truth was so terrible she knew...
she's a retainee.
what a noob i am....
no, its not the test.

i was so heavy-ed after the bio test i went to the canteen and looked for someone. someone i might know. someone, someone green i might know to tell. but the canteen was empty like a classroom. all there was was my CT people. the guy who keeps teasing me. i usually smile it off. but not the way i laugh with my amksian friends..., i just ignored him in the canteen. how do you expect me to put on such a cheery front. when its so difficult. surviving.
all the way till lunch break. it was so crowded, i found guanyi, my beloved husband from amkss! haha, the YANG family. YEA! we ate together, with OG 19 people serene and yingzhen. i miss them so much. so so much.
that's when guanyi asked why i was upset. he asked.
did those 'peeps' from my class even bother?
in amkss when i emoed. whenever i did. the boys will ask me what happened, and that i could tell them anytime. they cared so much, so so much i even considered them better friends than some girls, i have always treasured 2/5 0'50'60'7 boys and randy bro and those from 4/5 alot. people like fungi whom i smsed when there was no one during recess. people like guanyi who cheers me up being stupid... ...
girls like goddess auri and cheryl tan who watched me cry in 4/5. surong who read my emo letters, louisa who listened with all her concentration... ...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOUISA, I MISS YOU ALOT. I LOOKED AROUND BUT YOU WERENT AT THAT CORNER OF THE CLASSROOM ANYMORE... =(


after gorging on food again during lunch,i found jiayi.
top scorer of her school during prelims. my OG 19 pae friend. my second best new nyjcian friend. she listened to me, she was emo too, she said nobody know, nobody understands at all. after listening, she said she knows how i felt, he understood everything. do i believe. probably. least she cares. then we sat at the empty canteen and we teared. i wrote in my diary i cannot cry in JC. but i teared.
i contained it for so long. till home where i will blog. but she made me tell her everything i couldnt control anymore. i wanted to pull her to some corner and cry, but she remained there. so i sucked in everything.
the fact is that i couldnt find anymore greenies when i was so sad. that i was sitting with my ct which was crapping which couldnt sense anything. i miss amkss so much. with jiayi i thought of this, and, that's when my tears flowed down. that's the breaking point. i miss amkss too much.
i feel like a nobody in nyjc. i know i shouldnt be so cocky here, i should strive, but with my past achievements, i felt... a lose of identity here. here, i feel i'm struggling, like i'm clinging on, a rope bound to break i still believe i will be light enough to hold on.. that kinda feeling.
its not just bio la.

its how things now are.
how i seize every chance to go with my amksian friends.
how i sat at the library alone sleeping and my handphone vibrates, with amksians smsing me lame things.... like noob! haha...
where we are true.
i guess for the first time in nyjc people shall see me emo...

but i havent shown them how quiet i can be yet.
=(
=(
=(

its just such a sad day.
and my senior sat with jiayi and i, watching us struggle through.
she said - she's used to it already.
my bio teacher said my class was KINK-ED.
there's signs of segregation... fine.
no matter how hard i try to presume i will fit in, and that the class will grow as 1 like 4/5 did, probably i'm just escaping from reality.
then after school i was so busy with my cca.
i am the I.c for 1 project.
and i'm afraid there will be so much stress with the overseas thailand trip i wanna attend... =(
and people just keep discriminating GIRLGUIDES.
my beloved cca.
they say its a girly things, with exeptionally weak Pt and girls who sit in a circle and sing and do weird hand actions...
no matter how hard i tried. how hard we amksians tried to change that impression in amkss girlguides, that we are strong and determined and mentally strong, with increased PT led by me, and fierceness xinyee and i exhibited, that everyone disliked me, that aurina showed the fairness and balance, that the cadets strived under us... we succeeded! people respected AMKSS GIRLGUIDES. but we failed to show the rest who we are.
girl guides made me what i am, taught me to save the environment. taught me to help others, taught me to care and not live for myself...
but with all the others pouring the buckets and pails and torrents of cold water, i feel so helpless. GODDESS AURI, what are we going to do?
and i attened SLC - service learning committee meeting today, my 'cca' then the boys in my class said what - service learning crap... said its slack, that i'm a guide i should join somthing tougher like... judo....
but i attended,and its not what they deemed.
it helps others. do you know how much palnning and consideration we got to do? how much we have to think for others, that you are not alone living in this world...
i feel proud doing these. i feel proud helping others.

but i feel humiliated with the childish mindsets of these boys in my class. i'm so disappointed in them.
who discriminates MY GIRL GUIDES. who says UG is boring, but UNIFORMED GROUP IN AMKSS IS SO FUN! AND ENRICHING... because you people didnt put in your best. you took UG for granted you failed. too bad you failed.

dont go around discriminating, even your own ccas... ...
that's so pathetic.


ay.starsplash.I AM A GREENIE AMKSIAN.
my kink-ed class.
thank you fungi! for replying my sms! haha....