dear journal, i'm so depressed about school today.
that i rushed home, after lunch to piece out my thoughts into words.
oh darn! its MONDAY and i'm feeling this lousy and skeptical...

as i emerged from LT4 i spotted the familiar face of cheryl tan and i rushed toward her and exclaimed - CHERYL TAN! I MISS YOU!!!!!

today is such a difficult day. neither here nor there. so much so that i wanna Whine and scream, and shake someone's hand,
now i know what cheryl low told me is true...
Now i finally experienced how tough it is, i'm ready to give up.
i'm depressed today.i did not call it emo.


somehow i'm lost.
i tag along, behind sherlyn and yuanxing and lijia... i follow blindly behind them... when i walk faster, i'm in teh lead, where i walk tall, stand proud...
a pseudo juxtaposition i display.
lest you expect me to cower in a corner like some noob... a helpless mummy's girl...?

cheryl tan asked me where was i this morning when i was late for school due to the bus that skipped our bus stop...
my friend thought of me.

so i cant do thinsg my way anymore. =( abandon the way i do things, the way i perceive things are. for other girls seem so quiet if i talked to them... they would stare back at me blankly, dont know what i'm thinking. i see why amanda wee dreads her new class now...

i'm shivering from the cold, its raining.
the coldness cant overpower my confusion. it cannot numb my senses from the mess.
ddi i feel like this when i first stepped into cold cold class 4/5 when i enetered depression soon after because i ddnt mask my emotions?
jiayi! why didnt you come online today!!! i want to talk to you!!!! and i called you, you didnt hear me...

But if randy bro can sit alone in the atrium to do his homework not afraid of people's gawking eyes, so can i.
so can i be free to roam and search, i shall never give up looking for shadows of familiar faces that were once greenies... like that of cheryl tan's. who would accompany me when no one is available. One day while tagging behind sherlyn and yuan xing and lijia, i will just disappear. they would think that i've gone off to find my friends...
when i sit in the middle and no one laughs with me, i shall just 'write and write till my pen ink goes dry'...
when my tear falls, all i need to do is to open stretch out my palm to catch and cushion my tears.
so the ground will leave no traces of my lingering presence.

God damn! why am i telling you all these?
i cant contain anymore this rainy afternoon.

probably i should go sleep, then the troubles will hibernate,
disappear when i awake.
where are you carline!
when was the last time i sat beside you ?
the day i sat sat beside you and cried when i realised you had to resit for the exam to determine if you would be retained?
why did the rain stop?
i'm going to bed.
sleep, devil, sleep.
soundly.

ay.starsplash.then it'll be gone.
tse wei said i can piece things together,
its tomorrow. orientation.
i will try.
but i might just give up halfway...
lets hope that i can still smile, with them.

i told goddess auri - i dont believe in luck.
but sometimes we need that lil' wee bit of faith to pull through.
I'M A GUIDE. I CAN DO IT.

I MISS ALL OF YOU!