dear journal
it was the most terribiest experience i have ever had...
that momo, the sucky momo stepped into my house, my shelter safe from the world's evil clutches...
monsy didnt tell me properly that she was coming!!!1
she merely said momo gang...
and when i saw her...
i almost had the urge to stop her.
she was the first person i openly declared that i cursed her - fuck you.
and the second person whom i ahve ever named- sucker.
i dont call ppl these humiliating names...
except those that ruined me, ruined everything.
the strays.
YOU and YOUR best friend, who are hypocrites, who dislike each other yet are still the best of friends...
the only one, YOU, whom i have ever scolded ina page of F in red words, because you thwarted me....
until my teacher who read came to ask if i were fine...
who are you to manipulate me...
i tried to stop but i'm too weak, that you overpower me, to make me HATE you.
i thought things might have rested time and again, but you expose yourself...
how can i let go?
I'M SO GLAD I WONT HAVE TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN.
AND i once told my best friends that i will NOT enter the same school as YOUR BEST FRIEND!
and yes, i'm not... and i will not, because i am in NYJC, not AJC.
and even if YOU enter RJC, good, so i wont meet intellectuals like you anymore.
PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO SMART TO KNOW HUMAN INSTINCTS.
seriously.
i have never used these vulgarities on anyone, but YOU - girls.
or bimbos? or lians? no, not bimbos, because you all are smart, but those who suck and laugh like the whole world tumbles....
i almost wnated to diao monsy...
wanted to scream at her for what she has done...
but i did not, because she IS MY FRIEND.
i wanted YOU to shut up and get OUT!
even if monsy was the chief...
she wouldnt be like this if she were if goddess auri and I, because we havediscipline, and we know etiquette.
unlike you mugger corpses.
one day you will realise what you ahve done to people to make yourself a shrimp.
i dont curse people, but you have thwarted who i am, into what i am today,
i hate you.
dont let em see you or i might pull you apart.
its because...
YOU were there. Its all YOUR fault.


i wished my good friends were still here to understand and know me, that they will tell me its alright.
i'm still thinking.
of you-
i waited but, i was merely dreaming. a wish.
thank you louisa dear to listen to me, taht you are the only one i have left with now.
its sad, pathetic, but as least i have you, who arent with me all the time.
i wished we will not drift.
momo gang can maintain this friendship for a long time, but are tehy true?
they accompany each other, that's all.
i feel miserable that YOU have each other.
i'm glad i wont see you all ever again.


i feel much better now.
alot better.
this morning, i was still feeling remorseful.
for throwing a stranger's sharperner down from the bed to see if it might break...
and it did.
the stranger teared, and still told me its okay, and let me play with it.
the stranger was a few years my junior.
i saw her at aunt's house yesterday.
she stared at me.
- do i know you? -
i am guilty.
for so long.
but she has become lian, with red skinnies and black and red nail polish.
she wouldnt accept my remorse anymore.
because she doesnt care anymore.
it was more than 8 years back.
yet i cried last year when i still recalled.
on my bed, dark. dark.
never have i let it rest.
tell me i can forget it.
i did it deliberately.
because i was selfish.
because i am dumb and am a noob.
i have to repent forever.
she is merely my friend's illegitimate sister.
she was a stranger.
she teared.
i realised there was my devil all along.
ay.starsplash.
i'm going to wang lao shi's house for visiting tomorrow.
the excitement is gone, because i am now afraid.
i will see HER again.
i will spit at her.
i will say sorry to my stranger.
if only i could.
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