I feel blessed. Even though I aint from their clique when we worked for several months last year, they regarded me as a friend and invited me to their gathering! and I have a Friend who has taken on this challenge to replay Neopets again with me next holiday! haha! Mind you, its a male friend, and even though it may just be a joke we're making, its an innocent pact we've made and it makes me really happy to have these friends!My Census colleagues, the ones I hung out with today, they're by far the largest clique consisting of male friends that I have. If you know me as a person, I stare at scenes before my very eyes and think! haha. I love to see from a stranger's point of view so that Im never taken away - myself blown by the wind like Poof! I know, the momentarily moments of awkward silences. The fear. But they surfaced today and the guys could really just talk nonsense to fill in the gaps so effortlessly it was magic. :):):) the girls were silent, segregated a lil, but I saw that they were so comfortable together, and I wondered if I were the genuine outsider in their midst, for I never had much chances to sit with them at work before. It was just a random gathering for Dinner. Chats. and Homed. They were really happy with that arrangement! Im impressed by simplicity! It was crucial to meet up. Such acquaintanceship. Requires effort. To update bout ongoings, revive lameness and revitalise jokes. so that we cherish and learn. =) Im gratified that they had even asked me along!=)
AY is stumped by magnanimity. Its a new word I've learnt from google dictionary.hahaha! Its to say that Im embarrassed with myself, by seeing how magnanimous someone is towards me. And Im guilty for not being able to achieve that despite how saint-ful I try to be. Because I had thought this person's character was not similar to mine in perceptions and that we would not click or hang out together. But its this person who... 'saved the day' eventually. What hits me greatest was that she could put behind my past hostilities, and to withstand my childlike and opiniated self to accompany me without qualms. For that Im utterly guilty. But I learnt my mistake. I thank her for today and I'm Sincere.
Last night was emo night. For I thought too hard on redundant stuff. Recently, childhood mistakes have resurfaced in my mind. They were mistakes from long long ago, so distinct yet I never forgot how mean I had been. Dazing during my toy promoter job standing aimlessly, stuff simply Floats right into my consciousness. 'pushing a childhood friend's toy down the bed to see if it would break; hiding a mistake during stockpacking, having the delivery men scolded instead; stealing glitter from art room in primary 5;.............' Are you flabbergasted? That I was once a thief?
Trivialities kept haunting me. Small mistakes when I was too young to prevent. But I desired for a 'confessor' last night before bed. Confessor, like the MotherConfessor in story Legend of the Seeker? HAHA. Someone I can confess to, to forgive for all Ive done. Horrible things like those above. They never left my consciousness, no matter how long ago hidden away. Speaking it here, I still cannot rid of my sins. But at least I've got the courage to rightfully admit them.
And then I thought; How would I be able to achieve big things in life If Im forever haunted by trivialities of the past? Since i cannot move on from there. Henceforth you're still immature and incompetent. Im already 20. old 20. I may appear calm and practical. But I know deep down my emotions are still in a turmoil. I cannot control my wild thoughts for I think so Hard about something. :(
Somehow mine's still an abstract frame of mind. This vexes me.
ay.
