here's a cute conversation with my colleague danny garlic head:)

garlic> dont so stress okay! stress look at MR donkey you will feel happy! :)
(Mr donkey is our christams gift exchange I got his eeyore lol)
ay> oh donkey is at home.....
garlic> how can you leave poor donkey at home? okay since you are so stressed no need to return me the ribbon on donkey.
ay> I never intended to return it alr anw haha! when Im stressed I will coil the ribbon tightly around Donkey's tail!!
garlic> I ask my army of tigger to haunt you!
ay> I ask Bugs Bunny to bite you!
garlic> not yet. Still afew more days before buuny can come out.
(cny then is bunny year)


HAHA. This is childish and innocent. But i just wanna let you figure out how ingenious the link is, from eeyore to looney tunes to bunny CNY... its a magic how a conversation could go, and I feel blessed to have friends as such, Garlic is really brilliant for being able to link up the facts impromptu. :)

I feel so shag and messed up and I keep replaying Jay chou's Ye Qu. I play songs according to my mood. and I'll repeat the song until i get sick of it and wanna shut down my ears. I know its normal to feel this way but It sucks to feel this way.. its not even all that has begun together, but you are already messing up and its horrible... Dang it. Felt 'broken' by the end of today and i thought I might collapse if i just close my eyes but i know im living alone here, ALONE. and I gotta be strong. Girlguides are strong, and I managed to return to PGP late in the night. I still feel messed up.
Just, messed up.
:X

ay

I woke up crying.

Dad: Im getting senile, Im beginning to forget things.
AY: *pauses* forget what things??
Dad: I cannot even remember when your friend became independent.
AY: *confusions* which friend?
Dad: your friend Shahidah. (Shahidah went out to work after Olevels)
and i see the ways you speak to me... but I never take it to heart.
AY: *I always chide dad for things he does.*
If I recall vaguely, then, I hugged dad or had the urge to.

I know its a dream, but even when dreaming the realisation jolted me awake.
Brought me to a conviction.



ay.
DO YOU KNOW THE POWER OF DREAMS NOW?
I LIVE ANOTHER LIFE IN MY DREAMS :)

everytime i stare at these photos, they make me smile at the happy times we've grown up together. Somehow, it makes me a stronger person=)

In school,
I cant sing by the window after dinnertime.
I see the Ports in the South
Its my respite reaching there;
One day
I'll walk there, alone.
It'll be peaceful and bliss.
cause I'm thinking
Who'd be so free,
to accompany me on such walks
whenever I have my random urges.
You dont expect people to abide by your random requests for company
on mundane exploration trips...
So, I'll walk there alone :)

Would you then know where I am?





ay//

West Coast Park.
Walked from NUS to WCP.
Explored desolate west of WCP, nothing except migrant workers.
The east had none bicycle kiosks.
Only 6 Playgrounds. Sand filled ones.
No swing, no see-saw.
We played Flying Fox.
Sat the slide.
Climbed balancing beams,
Sat by the sea.
It was nice talking to Kim,
new friends, we recount our childhood and student lives.
Is that what new friends talk about?
How about when all these things are done sharing??

Angel asked if I had brought along the umbrella/
Really?! I asked/
He said he needed time to bring it there/
To wcp from sch/
Have you a Friend as such?
Someone who disregards their
Mine, Myself and I.
A character too genuine like an Angels'.
:)

I aint no Saint.
Cos I rethink simple actions over and over
Deciding if its wrong
The hesitation was the answer.
But I'm on my way
Give me time
Im on my way there.
:)

BRAVERY.Take that leap of faith and believe.

I gotta recount my day quickly here, else I'd forget. Rewind to beginning of December, I cant recall who i went out with and where. I have been so caught up everything has become fuzzy. I gotta record it down. Yesterday I wished there was a camera that can capture vivid scenes from my dreams, the one where I created my own landscape of NUS, with a circular garden and yellow painted walls. Sunlight reflected, like Crimson. :) dreams are Magic.

I created a topic for today. "Money can buy Companionship".
Somehow, after every outing with my SSA project group mates, I get a feeling of.. reluctance? We went to the Singapore Art Museum today, because I wanted to go. and they went with me. We explored an exhibition called 'Aromascapes of Singapore'. The artist has extracted 10 plus bottles of smells from our everyday life such as newspapers, cement, ixora flowers, coffee, rice etc and liquefied them into bottles. So we unscrew the bottles and test our senses to guess which smell belonged to what. I failed the test :X. But it was an interesting exhibition, one that questions why someone even bothers extracting scents from our everyday life. Have you ever stopped for the smells in your surroundings?
We then proceeded to another exhibition hall where objects from our everyday life were displayed, each with a write up. There was a totebag on display with rock motiffs. It read, dreams unfulfilled are like rocks. Unfulfilled dreams shadow us our entire lifetimes. Its a burden, like a rock, which we carry everyday like the totebag. oh, dreams. Another object was an overturned cup. There was a big flower design on the base. People turn over their cups to dry them don't they? How many take notice of the base of the cups? This flower design will grow nicer as the cup ages. It will be stained with usage, and mean so much more. Prettier. An eraser the shape of a carat of diamond. You use the eraser to erase mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes are so grave, like how the shape of the precious 'diamond' eraser gradually diminishes.
Have you ever thought stuff like that? I used to. I LOVE to see things from such imaginative, creative perspectives. Always did. As simple as how you picture the clouds to be. But, school doesnt permit such thoughts anymore. They categorise them as daydreaming and unrealistic. Come back to Earth, to reality. You cant express such random inspirations in essays anymore, not in Uni or JC. I recall, the last time i was permitted to write this freely was during Design and Technology in Sec2 when we created our own objects out of wood and acrylic. We interpreted our objects, anyway we expected it to be.
It was a beautifully precious moment when I recall now.
There were 2 volunteers at every station. I desire to be like them, envious of their job. They may be standing there the entire day with few visitors, but when we went, they approached us to provide guidance and to explain more about the exhibit to us, encouraged us to guess the scents! I asked questions, Im glad there are there, to educate the public, that lil much more, if anything. I want to be like them. I need a job like this in my future career. Being able to do that lil wee bit, to people. :) Im really glad I had been at the SAM today.
I told mum: I'm going to the museum tmr.
mum: For what.
me: Intellectual what!
mum: You are intellectual meh?

I realised its not about intellectual or not. I was joking. It was a matter of seizing this opportunity to slow down, stop your play, open yr senses, see the world. Give art a chance. Thinking. Reading people's thoughts in those write-ups makes you think. Have you missed out something like that?

We went to Seoul Garden. I have wanted to go there since dontknowhowmanymonths ago, and I finally went! I forgot I would smell like BBQ after that. But oh well, it was the feeling of being inside seoul garden with a group of people. =) My group mate kept taking food for us. and he cleared plates by bringing it to the waitresses... and he called for assistance not by raising his hand to call, but approaching the waitresses. Im nowhere as cultured as he is. And i wonder how someone can be this refinely cultured... Im amazed, everytime. And henceforth i reckon his character is that like an Angel's.

I went to Kbox. I was apprehensive. Cause I didnt know how to sing Chinese songs that they would be singing. I dreaded that activity, seriously. So, i was forced to sing my idol JJ Lin's songs. My chinese is horrible. I hate singing chinese, Im stumped at lyrics on the screen that I dont know how to read. and chinese songs are emo:(. We sang Zhou Hua Jian's Peng You (Friend). I might have teared. Cause Huanghuan told us her class sang this song to her before she left them to come to Singapore to further her studies. Imagine a class singing this song to you. I really pictured the scene back there. Somehow, its really about self-consciousness. Worries of your monotonous voice, your babyish voice, high pitched, offkey, Wannabe. But you gotta breathe, and Believe in your friends that this does not bother them. Cause we are all singing, Together. That's how I buildup my Courage.


Do you believe in Destiny?
so, is destiny equivalent to nature's way?
Of all days, it had to rain this evening. We wanted to walk 1 entire round around singapore river, past MBS, across the Helix Bridge, past Esplanade and the Merlions. But it rained. The walk has been postponed so many times but today, It rained. and I didnt have umbrella. :X
My friends, dont know what the Helix Bridge is!!!! I was super surprised. I thought it is such a magnificent icon of Singapore. Probably only in my eyes, Im overly proud of the developments in the marina, and the mesmerising night lights. I wanted to show them Proudly the Helix Bridge. and spot the pyrotechnics. Its amazing! Oh well, Im forever amazed with the circumference of the singapore river there. I wanna share that passion. We'll walk there again. I wanna bring them there.


And so, it rained. We headed home. I didnt feel like alighting from the train home. Cause my thoughts and convictions flowed as easily like water:)
Yet i was still sceptical and i asked if the group will still meet up again, after school starts and thereafter.
My group mate replied. It was not a reply of Yes or No or Reassurance.
The reply was Why not?
Why not, AY.



:) Bravery.
TAKE THAT LEAP OF FAITH and BELIEVE.