Where were you? I thought something might have happened to you, and then I questioned myself If i had committed any mistakes, and then i realised probably you might have discovered my blog by now. I asked the Stars, If you no longer cared anymore. Its that heartbreaking.
Its the last day of the year today. Its 12.55am. and I can cry. I looked at my phone and it read 31st December. and then all of a sudden an outpour of emptiness so strong, pverwhelmed me.
I did Stupid things. I switched off the lights, in case dad enters and sees my tears. but i couldnt see the keyboard and so i switched it back on. I realised I didnt wanna sleep too. Because the night is ending, I cant let it slip away so easily, that easily; not that it would change anything for the past year.
Today afternoon while painting and washing the pipes, i had Jif smeared all over my arms and legs and hair. And at that instant I behaved like a 2 year old, immersed in self-entertainment having fun with my hilarious jif-ed makeup. I felt happy... You call that pathetic, or insane-ness? I feel pathetic.
. I wanna cry but they dont come. When i think about our fragile our acquaintanceship on bed, they no longer come. Maybe Im now cold-hearted; Stone-hearted. Numbed of forgetting my genuine emotions..

Goodbye to you. But you know, I still came online. Random stuffs, you remember you said so before?? Why is that so?
Why do I feel so distraught this last day:(
I dont wanna return to school.
I reckon I might have a phobia of that LT....
// =X :( =(







ay.starsplash.
the power of Stars.
Maybe someone else has overtaken it.

Today, the National Geographic Sungei Buloh Nature Guide organiser explained to us the importance of Children in society. I admired him and felt him so noble. He said that Children play a major inflence on adults. If a child questioned why a parent failed to switch off the lights, the parent would automatically abide to the act! It doesnt mean throwing facts at the kids, as long as we pique their interests now, along the way, they would have countless more chances to learn. Hence, Children are so important they bring about greater benefits to community. :)
Made me reflect about my role as a future teacher...
Children, the future of tomorrow?

Its such a noble thought and fact that we overlook.
=)

Its a very special Christmas this year, I've told ya that before. That it feels very much like a fairytale, and probably it did. But this year I attended Christmas eve at Hope Church's suntec event. It was so grand, made me think a whole lot; that was what I had needed. Something worthwhile thinking through and generating those debates within myself, to Hear my own thoughts and beliefs loud and clear, distinct and precise. Its what I am fond of doing. Finding myself, through such purposeful processes. It was my first time there, maiden time being part of a huge mass. Maiden time attending church events with a mind just of my own, to discover and learn. I like learning, and seeing things from different point of views. I applied Sociology evaluation on the topic of Religions during today's event. Too many thoughts ran past my mind. I had been overwhelmed. There was admittedly so much that the Christians believe in and all of a sudden it was too much information for me to comprehend and absorb. I needa understand, for I was trying to understand from their point of view, and I am guilty for admitting that I behaved like a reporter, when I spoke with this Senior who sat beside me who so willingly shared her story with me and that I have so outrageously asked curious questions that I have never known. and i absorbed what she has said so eagerly. Just cause i wanted to learn. There was this moment when the pastor asked the ppl to pray for their friends, and she asked for my permission, and then placed her hand on my shoulder and prayed for me. It was so sincere, I fail to find words to describe that emotion. 'Angel' asked if it had been a good feeling, or a stressful one, but i replied that I dont know. She mentioned my name. and she prayed addressing my problem of dreamings- we had mutual sharing. She prayed so sincerely and truthfully in spoken English aloud I could hear; regardless whether it would work on me, I was so grateful I thanked her with a hug. I hoped she had felt the complicated gratitude? They sang the hymns with so much belief I almost teared listening. It aint the first time I have attended such events and I never fail to be on the verge of tears whenever they sing in unison. Its that overwhelming pride in their belief that rides out at you and seeks to 'drill' the fact into you. The unified strength force out the tears. I respect the faith, I really do. Just like how i respect all other faiths. I believe everyone has something they believe in and If they really do believe,it could be true? we gotta respect them, cause it aint ethical trying to suppress or overcome someone else's beliefs with those of your own. I attended, to see how it goes, and learn, to respect and understand. Its important right, though it sounds so theoretical to you, like what we learn in FASS theories and stuff. It does make a whole lot of sense, for society to jive.
In fact I feel embarrassed to admit that I feel more comfortable being with this youth group compared to OWeek group mates because I'd be branding the groups. This as the believers and being more intellectual while the other as being play play and superficial. Im very afraid to say this. Cause its offending, but I realised this was what I trully felt and I couldnt mask it. And I discovered how well my Protective Shield is. You know the one in which you shun away and shut yourself off from someone else cause you no longer want them to know more about you then they should. The pastor asked everyone in the hall to open their hearts... I couldnt. Cause i know I did not want to.

I shared some of these overpouring thoughts with angel. I dont know how you readers might feel, or opinions it might generate in you. But its christmas ultimatum today. I dont wanna chase empty dreams anymore. I stop fantasising. Hence it shant matter whatever you might then think of me, it shant matter however nice you might be or what I might selfishly expect out of you subconsciously. That's a mean thing. If our friendship is so simple yet true, we'd go far.
I wouldnt bother what you might think of me anymore.
That's stupid, and exhasuting.
Im tired anticipating this game.

Its a wonderful Christmas, with new friends that I need. I went in a bid to expand my social circle and to meet different groups of people:) I like meeting new people. We start afresh, a clean page and start off by being fair to one another and taking the Plunge to trust in the other party. Its exciting taking that risk. and then on if both appears true and open, we'll become Friends.
I told that SeniorIi daydream alot and I am afraid of getting lost in it.
This holiday, I realised that I can live my life with just Music. My life would have been devoid if I were deaf.
I need Music to fill up the spaces.

Merry Christmas, It has been wonderful, an eye-opener, and a lovely day with warm and true acquaintances. =)
I believe in the goodwill of people. I hope to.

I'm coming home/coming home.
Tell the world that I'm coming home.
Let the rain/ Wash away/ All the pain of yesterday.
I know my kingdom awaits/ They've forgiven my mistakes.
Im coming home/ coming home.
Tell the world that I'm coming home.
:):)

A horrible movie could destroy my day so badly. A horrible movie "the ghosts must be crazy". It was a charity showcase for a charity event courtesy of Dad's company. Mum said I had no sense of humour. But I benchmark this movie with mainstream ones (like confessions, and inception - that made me think, real hard to learn truths) and I fail to figure out what Singapore is trying to portray:( I couldnt take the satirical connotations which affected me so much I bulldozed my way around after exiting from the theatre.... :/


On the train
Mum told me there was no need to give up the seat for the aunty cause I was carrying dad's office bag.
But you contemplated whether to stand up or not, ANNAYEO.
Don't do it again. Do what you know is Right, no need to think twice, else you'd regret.
and it will shadow you.
Don't do that again.


Its true.
How people who know a fact about you will begin stereotyping.
Hence I held back, every urge to tell you im burdened by that scholarship. Else you'd have judged me differently Right, just like the rest. When one friend commented we deserve our grade cause we are scholars - A thought I have never thought of proclaiming with respect or pride. I wanna just try my best, not work to fulfil requirements. Its a burden if you'd know.... Its not like that. I work, because I dont dare touch the sum of money; lest i gotta pay for breaking scholarship bond? So I work to fulfil personal luxuries. Catching up with friends itself is an investment. A simple meal is an investment, small chats to learn at least 1 new happening about your companion is sufficient. Its laborious?

Last week passed by so quickly probably because...
Does Christmas ultimatum still hold true?
Let me sort it out.

ay.

Last night,
there was a mean thought.

A part of me wished you wouldn't return anytime soon.
So i wouldnt think so much; its exhausting and frustrating.

ay, you blame others for your own speculations.


Christmas is here, feels like a special one, yet everything goes according to plan. cos
You feel it special, that's why.

Yesterday,things occurred too rapidly in a flash; I just know that I had mustered enough courage, from my first previous encounter to do what I wanted. I took a risk.
dont toy with it.
i fear
one wrong turn will turn my heart
To Stone.

Your misleading;

If a man walked up to you and requested for $2, would you give him? What if he pleaded that he had left his wallet or sth like that and he needed just $1, One buck will do, to get home? Ride the bus home? I gave in. It was risky. I declined the request along some quiet lane here. But he pleaded and I thought if it was alright people giving away some pennies for a stranger's bus fare at the busstop, it might be the same situation here. I was hesitant. I reluctantly mentioned Wait, and began digging first into my Fila bag, then my handbag...(i was carrying 3 bags that day) and he advanced towards me knowing i was willing to offer help. and I retreated! Dang It! It was so risky he might snatch my wallet away! So i turned slightly around to take out a $1 coin. Then i was so afraid he might snatch my bags and run off... Dang it! I handed him the coin precariously like Seriously!!! and he thanked me and even mentioned god bless you...
I really wonder if he could have been a crook, or just any helpless stranger looking for a good samaritan, but.. he could have seriosly took out a penknife to make me hand over all my valuables and... and... snatched my bags and run away?? BUt i couldnt run away along this street in the lazy afternoon, he could have threatened me and snatched my stuff nonetheless??? What would you do? What would you have done? =X
I didnt have the guts to recount to mum, she would chide me.
But if it were really a penniless man trying to get home, its just a dollar I would have sacrificed. But But.
I hate it when such issues are so ... controversial I cannot get an Answer, at all.

These are the times you gotta make a decision on the spot, and if it were a mistake, you dont blame your innocent, genuine heart.
Its just an ideallic world you wanna imagine it to be, ay?

Have you asked yourself why someone meant something, at all, to you? I figured it out. With words after so long. I figured Its because i could be childish and true as I am, and that person would accept it and appreciate these simple things of genuinity. And that tt person would listen, or read, whatever, you've got to say. No matter how banal or random it is. that makes you go only to this person. Because, that is the real me.
and someone like this is too special to let go. too rare and precious, like Angels. Not anything, but it just means so much to you, for you are sincerely grateful.

Today i received my maiden free cuppa frappucino from Starbucks' Christmas giveaway. It made me ponder whether people bothered about the cause of this event at all? But, by donating, arent we already doing a part to help the needy? Regardless of genuine compassion, or out of obligation, like that's the norm, the procedure to act accordingly to? Its so controversial i feel myself so XXX for even bringing up this issue. Because, the drink was free. and my friend and I simply took out some cash to donate. But I never bothered if I could have done more, if 2 bucks I've donated was sufficient? and if. queuing simply to enjoy this privileged free drink made us greedy Singaporeans? Did it? I'm ... confused.

ay.