At the end of the day,you realise " you've survived the day, annayeo" :)

Today, submited our group report. somehow there's a strong tugging reluctance, for it signals the end of it; we might not meet up and hang out randomly as a group often anymore, and its yet another story, of Acquaintance. and Today i figured out it was not as i have wondered it would be. For it aint at all. and today I sorta grasped the truth of my entire speculations. I'll Stop.

I was at project discussion yesterday at Bugis. and the world below me passed by. If i flunk my studies, I'll be a sales assistant at one of these stalls. Lego stalls. Seems lovely. But they tell me sales assistant is one of the worst jobs ever. but why?

Just that, I failed to muster the guts to tell mum so.

and i will never ever be able to tell certain ppl other stuffs - secrets?

I never have the courage to tell...

I could still fit into my Greeny Uniform. I feel so proud of that. Gonna wear it to GreenyBBQ. Have you got wacky friends as such, who plans a Greeny Clique BBQ with Greeny Uniform dress codes? They are my closest pals. :)

ay.

I dont know what Im doing anymore.
I dont feel the pinch when i spent that large sum of money
and I lose track of time.
I wanna drop outta school but I might as well get slapped for that thought.
Msn dosent show my display pic anymore.
and I really dont know
What I am doing anymore.
//

it was horrendous Thurday.
But i went down for a stroll. and
ironically, the chinese songs in my mp3
sorta calmed down my flustered senses...
I found the remedy?
:)

Yesterday, we explored a path by the garden. A ferocious black cat blocked our path up the stairs; and frightened us away.
Yesterday I totally disregarded european studies lecture - I forgot I attended them.

today we watched people yet again at The Deck.
I felt enlightened. Talking to gal pal Devi, cleared me of my recurring thoughts. We spoke of religion, and its a true-blue HTHT, not superficial orientationgames.
I have figured some distinctions in people of specific religions, somehow some christians are honestly so kind and hearts pure of gold I wonder if their faiths charter their character values. and generally speaking, most christians have quite alright or well-off financial backgrounds. And devi analysed my speculations sociologically =p. It all boils down to education! Because most christians are converts, from their studies of religion as such, education leads to improved mannerisms and etiquette, and economic stability. and i realised - sometimes envy of - the big social circle the youths immerse in in church. A group of friends who believe in the same thing together and are bound by this invisble power. Friends who will engage in the most mundane things with you?


When you meet people with hearts Pure of Gold regardless, You Cherish.
ay//

It was beautiful, but i have lost words to describe it; would you picture it then?
I feel decieved into a vitual world ... wheneever the phone is in your hands... I take it so badly, i could scream at you. Its as though I have been mislead.
Yesterday I scaled the Southern Ridges with my Singapore Studies Proj group mates. Unexpectedly, all 4 of them turned up. Can you belive it? Mere strangers accomplished such random things with me!:) Hort Park was beautiful, I would bring my students there! Never before have I felt this enthusiasm and anticipation regarding my future career as a teacher. It was totally well-maintained and manufactured, I wished all of Singapore's Greenery would be privileged with the same care. Reminds me of Mrs Ismail, my sec 4 Geog teacher - her Caixin planting sessions during class. Those were the innocent days.
The Long Long Path. Somehow, i wished i would walk on and on and on, away from cvilisation. where no one would bother me with my earphones plugged in. Will you walk it with me again? I dont know. On Henderson waves, we did random things. We did yoga. Breathing deep and out, disregard of passersby's glances. Because Huang Huan taught us "Imagine, that you are part of this World." I stared at the blue vast sky. Breathing deep materialises our minute existence. It was inspiring, on Henderson waves=).
It was roughly 8-10 km.. and you know what? NONE of them complained a word. We chatted random stuffs, walked random paths, took random photos. After dinner at Vivo we stared at the stars at the rooftop. Samuel stared hard, harder than me. He pointed out the faintest star. Did you love stars too? Stars were a secondary fetish for me, so mystical now. Stared at people, lights from sentosa, lights from the ports (in the south). I didnt want to go home. We played songs and guessed song names. Took turns. Till it was too late we had to abandon the night. I know the fact that with these lights, The city never sleeps; just that people go away...
If Im heartbroken, on the verge, I'll go walk the park, solo. From NUS to vivo. With my earphones, no one will know my background. I'll recall the route we have taken yesterday. Beautiful moments; Relinquish the fact that I am a part of this world.
I wouldnt get lost. Because im determined to complete the path. But i hope that day will never come. It would signify a totally lost AY. AY on the verge, when the entire world turns its back on me, and I wouldnt mind getting consumed by the forest.
Have you got friends who would do such random stuffs with you, walking the desolate woods, doing yoga publicly, lying on the platform seeings stars...? I stared hard, hoping the stars can decipher -the squirms within me. I'll back off so you'll live the way as it is.




ay.

Today I had a good chat with my 2 friends, we were connected by a common thread - our schools. It was a truthful talk and the more deeply they went, the more it brought out my fears that I have tried so hard to allay. That was when i realised it was I, who hasnt tried hard enough. rather than blaming , have you questioned your effort put in despite its strangeness to you? and it surfaced that it was my pride of losing whatever scholarships or benefits that i am currently receiving, that made it all an irrevocable situation of futility. Lower your pride, AnnaYeo. and. try harder. are you still alone? They tell you you arent alone. but. define alone, inline with my perceptions? or you arent alone in this rat race, or that you arent the stupidest? missed.

I miss the happy times. Happy times with happy people; without fears. I should be reading the newspapers now but im in cyberworld; who's here too? So i wouldnt feel the way i do. Im looking forward to Friday. So badly. The hike. Im concentrating so hard to be alright, I forgot to breathe. Do you need icecream or dark chocolate? Im beoming heartless here.

Love that bus ride home.
Everytime the bus passes by MacRitchie Reservoir
I'll search for that opening
among the jungle of trees.
cause that's the path that brought me Glory -
being 32th in my Sec2 cross-country run
despite my tears
for not obtaining a trophy;
cause i stood 2 positions behind the top 30.


they do the random things
With Me.
cause my good friends know me too well
its alright to turn me down.
New Friends;
and peculiar AY.
Im surprised. Very.


me and my random aspirations
genuinity makes you ponder
where they come from?
but its flitting.


maybe, maybe because I had no siblings.
its really special,
just that they wouldnt know.


but again,


everytime the phone is held;
you worry too much.

plummeting, plummeting, plummeted.
for being stubborn and
thinking too much.
but sometimes.
it occurred naturally
stop it.
just that it wouldnt cease just like this.
so stop it.


nomu a-a-a-apa, naega a-a-a-apa.
song: t-ara's Im really hurt.

flicked on the comp and i wonder where you are.
but im afraid, very afraid
whenever the phone is in your hands.

everyone laments
" where were u when i needed u "?
they disappear but my closests do get back;
their genuinity, makes me tear.

we're playing a game
cause i see too much into things
the unrealistic and Ambitious
searching eternally for the make-believe.

there arent planes in the sky over there.
only stationary lights (ports from the south)
but the glare fail to illuminate
My reality from ... ... those virtual words.