My dear Bio teacher, You toy blatantly with my self esteem.
First you threw 8 words at my face;
The words that stabbed at my heart,
my mental-structure collapsed all at once in grounds of NY.
Now you tell me never to lose faith in myself.
Faith.
Its this faith, that i have been struggling to recapture.
Its immensely tedious and difficult having to
Muster all my courage to rebuild the faith.
And everytime the foundation fails, i cry in desperation.
Its so so tedious i wonder how more will I have to break down, helpless at my incapability to be strong.
I've even drawn up my personal Motivation Poster,
"BRACE UP, ANNA YEO!", splatterred with stars.
That is the minimum i can do.
when every sentence of my teacher lies an obscured connotation.
YOU TOY WITH MY SELF ESTEEM.
Do not break me.
I'll collapse.
I'm trying very hard.
Believe me, I'll rebuild that faith.
And mum is really backing me up this crucial period.
Thank you mmumy.

Happiness is - watching TV with mum on a sunday =)

this blogskin makes me feel happier right?
somebody tagged on my old skin, that maybe the problem lies within myself.
it made me ponder real hard, maybe i should just... let whoever comes into my life come, and go.
it doesnt matter anymore. maybe forgetting is the way to go. maybe all those that i have really spoken about others, others felt it right too... yes, i'm reflecting. but i must still say that you did not know about eye-bags war, and you have not heard of the story here.
tomorrow, its a different perception i'll have.. I'll try.
somehow, when something bababoom happens, things comes alive.
yes, cyberbeings.

today was family gathering!!!! despite the test tmr. although sitting alone at the buffet table waiting for the others, i really couldnt find my appetite, but i went along haha... and its the first time i'm out with auntie and uncle and so many people! it feels so great to be well-off, when money does not matter... and nothing bothers you really much.

3 more months!!!! jiayou jiayou... then we can go work and be rich! alright? :)

Maybe it was expectations, that Mr Neo's EIGHT WORDS snapped what's left of my thinly suspended self-esteem. I did alright, not acceptable but he said it like i was another lost hope out of the 140 odd bio students. and now you know what? i dont know how to clear up the mess of my doing yesterday. Yes, they have said, i know. That it was only because of ONE paper, that i have wailed like a child. Just 1 paper. That they have done worse than me what was all the idiotic cries for. that's the reason i did not turn to you people when i shatterred. I feel this heavy weight of my mistake, giving you this perfect opportunity to speculate about how petty i have been. and this, is the mistake i can never undo and explain myslef clear.
Is there a need for me to do so? No. But its a terrible feeling living behind a veil knowing people no longer believe what you say anymore and there is room for them to pinpoint your weakness, and blacklist you.
I attempted to see only people's goodwill. But this strive was once stolen when my phone disappeared. at angmokio hub. I cannot avoid each and everyone i encounter with, so i see only the good side of you, to make myself happier. So that i take you as my acquaintance in class again. Dont take forgranted.
I cannot believe Mr Neo's EIGHT words opened up the pandora's box of my suppressed emotions, and the sin i have created in school,
Oh man - he's Powerful.

when the bad withers, we let them go.

the chortle of my classmates resonates in my mind.
and i will never ever forget how shallow you have been.
that's the reason why i had to hide my face, approached only mature friends like visha to talk out the exploding fears.
the reason why i want to sit away from them.
because they only speculate wildly, and think it nothing.
The reason i know my friends do care,
i'm grateful.
But, i will not open up that protective shield.
My silence in class is the shield.
I'm wary.
and so, i stay away.
Thank goodness cheryl peiqi and auri were with me during that traumatic 1 hour.

I came across this song at the mall! Havent heard it on air in quite awhile.. no connotations, just... doesnt it seems like making you force out all the badness around you while belting out the song? haha! yes, we'll survive, through it all together, the days to come! =) YES!

ay.starsplash =)

It was a nightmare, when I dreamt of Mr Neo.
He was standing on the middle of the platform of the stairs where i was going up.
There he stopped me and told me that he was so gonna slaughter me (for bio eams), exactly what he had threatened sherlyn and visha in school.
and he enquired if I were attached, if that was the cause of my poor academics... Hell NO! (do you think i would!) it aint phobia... maybe its how insecure i am about my exams this time round...

I received an email several weeks ago... i feel like tearing it up!!!!!! and i so wanna consult auri or louisa on what to do.. i mean.. its STUPID and RIDICULOUS!!!!! can you just stop it! and it was in june, when i was buried in studies, please do not burden me with what you cannot move on with... and now i thought not replying to that email was the right way to go... please just.... drop it and move on.

Call me shrewd.
Yesterday i spent the entire afternoon clearing my glass cabinets for space to keep my huge thick file-fuls of knowledge... and i cleared away rubbish. i saw that glass container you gave, and i'm telling you i almost threw it away many many times. but i just... put it back to the very extreme rear of the cupboard.. tell me i should have just dumped it! omg... i'm getting so.... paranoid of your cant-get-over-it syndrom... gosh!!! my heart palpitates and i wonder what on earth is wrong with you man! i feel being traced, through my blog. like... something pesonal is breached oh man! and i just hope our paths wont cross anymore... since our contact is lost. yeah, i'm speaking cruel things; but you got to get out of the space by yourself... that's how it is to move on. Phew!

Next week the mad rush begins... Come on, its... well... 5 months to go. ytd shopping, i have so many wild thoughts in my mind... after As alright. After As. The gloomy weather every afternoon makes me so desperate to fly to sentosa to see the seas LOL, but auri says such weather beckons for the rain... No, its beautiful weather!!! haha...

way to go, you can do it!
and i want to thank all greenies and 0802 friends for their motivational encouragements this june :) thank you!

ay//

9.7.09
Would you bare yourself to a stranger?
Things have changed.
I mean, previously you wouldnt share your troubles with someone distant.
But now i guess i have just released all emotions
to someone who might understand- or not.

Because being with Greenies, i never get to say;
they make me happy every morning at the wooden bench;
i forget.


8.7.09
How far would you go for a Friend?
I realised i cannot make any mistakes
I might regret later on in life.


5.7.09
manymanyyearsago, 1 decade ago,
I awoke at 6.30am
To prepare for a trip to the zoo,
an excursion with mum and dad,
on a pleasant weekend.
Its a different story now.

I came online,
intending to delete the previous post.
thought it was a moment of stress and pressure, nowhere to go
thought it was PMS, but it has come...
last night mugging, no, studying
it came again.
the torrents almost teared.
but. i had no time to cry
I had to stuff the knowledge in.

I had intended to delete-that post
but when i read it again
it made all the sense in the world
this scary feeling hasnt gone
and now what?
what if i get retained?
and today i got to rest till now.
but.
what if i get retained?
i will go poly.
but before that i'd cry my heart out.
i already am these few days.
the... 'foreshocks'.
you know foreshocks? Preludes...
I get retained, and all the weight of my friends' and family's hopes
crashing down against me
comparable to a tsunami.
But if a tsunami really occurred, it wouldnt be the studies forgone
It would be LOVE.

I came online
to tell you
i brought recyclables down to the void deck to recycle.
i approached the humble yellow bin
an uncle was scavenging through the rubbish
he has stucked his hands in
and he opened the door to the rectangular bin
to scavenge more.
I turned away
didnt want to get near the dirty old man
I really did that.
and then i asked
why had i labelled him so crudely?
maybe he needed money from the aluminium cans
but.
it was filth that overtook the scanty morals evoked within me
then
he drove away in a bike.
A motorcycle
more bins?
He aint that piteous after all.
Dismayed
and i asked myself
why did he have to do this
over
and over
and over again.