I'll tell you a secret.
I'm fallin' into it again.
The darkest pit, probably.
Where my only wish was for time to fast forward, secs to mins to hours, days, weeks, months.
Where the only reason i have to be strong, was to be strong for mum.
I'm falling into it.

Dear friend, could i ask a favour?
Please, Please, please
Pull me up, when i fall too deep.
Please pull me up from the whirlpool.
Because, its a scary feeling.
So frightening i dont know when i might just collapse into...
Pieces.
when i need not hide my tears in AMKSS,
there's no place exclusive enough in NY to hide anymore.
I've been crying.
and i've fallen into despair-ation.
Please pull me up when i fall, too deep.

Blog-hopping makes my heart feel so cocoon-ed and forlorn.

hey guys! here's where we went to celebrate my birthday:) on the 15/6/09.
although my mind wasnt really there, i guess everyone's werent there.. but we were happy:) although i answered 'okay la'... but, it was really a terrific feeling, like everything was just RIGHT, there and then.:) and its with Greeny Gang! and i'm desperate to go to sentosa with greeny gang already... straight after As, i will plan! and we shall play captain's ball tgt, like we used to... the boy and girl cliques!
It feels like the best birthday ever in my 18 years... well, maybe i have forgotten the triumph a birthday cake had brought me when i was little... but, i havent felt this Great for a long time. Thank you Greenies=) I'm grateful.
and the boy clique who is forever so spontaneous, despite their tight pockets, or how distant and awkward it might have been, they appeared:) haha. they came to shake my hand to wish me happy birthday... who would have done that? cute pals i have!!

This is the only photo we took as ONE: Greeny Gang!

although many werent there, like pumpkin, cheryl tan, cheryl low, yilin...

cushion from the guys.. guanyi's fond of such cuddlies..

I love it! Big enough for my head!

We watched Drag me to Hell... it was.... ....

auri, monsy, wenyuan, fungi(lol)

so cool!!! guanyi did this!!! like watching some MTV on PSP... haha!

louis randy me, surong(what is she doing?)

Gift from auri! i feel like some princess using this box! haha

thanks girl, its really lovely!!! and cool!

Guanyi and his hilarious eating habits... more to come...

look at the no of plates we piled in front of the boys!

SECRET!!! we stuffed rice beneath the plates!

and we ordered ALL the GYOZA till it was sold out!

the computerized ordering system was so cool!

our deserts of icecream mochi! someone stole one of my share of 4!

auri says we are filming an advert...

okay, unglam but the emphasis is on the House-like sushi.

we look so nice in this pic!

only 3 girls.-best pals=)

surong looks normal here.. haha!

lol!

while i hugged and hid behind this cushion when the evil witch appearred, ...........

surong hid behind her life jacket! LOL

guanyi and his same old tricks...

and this is my favourite picture, so i'm putting it again, BIG.

WE ARE A COOL BUNCH OF PEOPLE YEAH!!!!

We'll hang out tgt again, and i'll never forget the effort everyone makes to come together, despite how scattered all of us are:)

ay// 15.6.09

sakae sushi,iluma.Big 18:)

I always do this. Every year. Even though this year i shouldnt be digreessing. this year it feels the most right. this feeling - it aint happy.. just that when you know everything's right; everything has gotten into shape. even though my mind drifts away so very frequent, it always gives me this suffocating desire, that everythings gonna end tmr..

84480220
seowhwee
91609184
vishal
qinyun
weilin
surong
aurina
carline
melissa
yilin, redcross
jiajin
louis
eileen
peilin
93641678
Cassandra
peiqi
93983301
wenyuan
0127832682
winy
pamela
michelle


ay//
'thank you, take care:)'

dedicated to Guanyi, my gullible friend who believes the world is Coming to an end in Year 2012. who requested for my take on this imminent catastrophe...


Nibiru will remain in the realms of Sumerian myth.


Apparently, Guanyi told us a long story on the Mayans Civilisation, that humans originated from them, that a planet with an enormous orbit is gonna surround earth, such that the preliminary devastations of flooding are witnessed as early as today.... and a new Age of living ( as in Ice age, Stone age) will evolve...
okay.
Buit i believe what the scientists say haha...
Auri is sitting on the fence!!!
and it is clearly stated DECEMBER 12, 2012, 11:11 US TIME.
I'll update you at 11:10 :)
LOL

Today was mum's school's BBQ... but i found no hype in it. How was i able to cheer and rejoice, for a first day without my handphone. The chalet was nice. sitting by the pool reminded me of OSLE's BBQ last week, when i sat with Seowhwee by the pool at the condo and simple chatted. But not at this Chalet here. I yearned to jump into the pool like the children, and splashing my heart out, if only, there wasnt pressure from A levels... The child in me is lost. I couldnt imagine myself running on the field with them, like their teacher had done. I didnt play with them, because my heart aint there... say its bio hindering me. but probably i'm masking the lost of my phone.
New pouch, replacement phone. I flipped it round and round and round and round in my hands, wondering why, people would just retrieve the pouch from my backpack pocket. Just a star pouch, very starry indeed, and an old ancient modelled phone. which i protect so well. Why would a pouch just disappear from my life like this, out of my touch. The new pouch makes me sorrowful. The replacement phone - i try my best not to touch or utilise it. I dont want to tag my heart to anything anymore... Its so hurtful... in the midst of the chaos at the chalet when i flip the new hp pouch over and over again in my hands, my eyes well, i wished i had been at home; Children - the were in their own playworld. Mum wouldnt be returning home these two nights, staying with them at the chalet... I dont know how i might pull through these two nights. i will definitely reminisc. and i wanna go running to mum crying, and telling her
I'm so sorry.
She blames me. The tone she chided me for having only myself to blame and nothing else... But she did not scold me. From the triviality she sees in this matter when she jokes to all her friends how pathetic i was last night for losing my phone. 9.15pm, on the shuttle bus out of chalet I recall, i had been stunned by the realisation, in tears. Thinking about anything, stoning, keeps me shut out from this grieve, i reckon i need a long time to heal.
All boys at the chalet. I talked very much to this P1 boy.. he's so cute, so handsome, so brilliant... i wished he were my brother. I'd be so honoured. He looked very familiar. Another in grey tshirt, i stared at him time and again... trying to figure him out.
and, i realised they all resembled someone. The cute P1 boy resembled Lilan's Brother. Speaking of her, i feel cold... and empty like i no longer have got anything to do with her, but her story will forever be carved in my memory. Lilan's brother - its sad thinking of her brother. But this jovial kid today, probably rekindled the only memory i remember of her brother at her home.
and the second boy in grey shirt, resembled the kid in Chaing Rai, Thailand. Just that the thai 'version' was more warm and friendly... Both of them are quiet, but the thai kid was willing to learn, and thai kids respect elders alot. They learn simple ABCs unlike the kids here who jeered at me, for being.. just a teenager, nothing great. They are different. Significantly, i was intrigued to find out more about him during my stay at the camp with them in Chiangrai. The same curiosity, as i searched deep into the face of this grey shirt boy at the chalet.
I wanna go to that chalet, jump into the pool. Squeeze with my friends on the bed, star gaze. I insisted on leaving early with the excuse on the pretext of school... i didnt want the emptiness of the lost to overcome me. No matter how much i desired to plomp down at my desk to start routine, i had to pen down these thoughts... Something i cannot compromise without, or i would become a heartless girl in no time. I cannot lose the grasp on my emotions.
Today i ate and ate, hoping it would compress all my bad feelings.
and i got to return to reality in awhile's time.

17 Years-
i proudly announced to the whole world,
it was ONE and SIX days old.
Its birthday was on 1.6.2008.
Late one night, mum and dad returned home
and i thought with jealousy over their shopping spree.
Mum entered my room and handed me a rectangular bag.
i thought, it was Brand's essence.
and put it away on the ground, but.
It was a phone mum and dad have gotten me for my 17th birthday.

ONE year and SIX days after,
its in someone else's hands.
i will never see it ever again.
WHY, did society have to marr my trust in it... when i chose to believe Singaporeans could have a kind heart to care for the unprivileged, the righteousness to distinct right, from wrong... the tumulous education regime in Singapore has failed.

I did not tear on the spot. Because mum did not scold me.
MUM DID NOT SCOLD ME.
But i know my broken heart pierced hers.
Because, it was my birthday present.
and it wasnt because of the cheap phone, the precious pictures, or the songs or the STARRY pouch from thailand.

It was a birthday gift,
Stolen.
Stolen this pocket of my life.
By someone i cannot even picture,
to trample on in my next life.
I will never carry my black OP backpack ever again,
it has given me this phobia...
and it occurred in AMK HUB.
The place Greenies used to belong to.
Not, unscrupulous pickpockets.
Even on a noobish girl like me.
Why had it occurred?
I will go pray.
That something close wouldnt be wrenched from me again.
I'm stunned.
My unzipped bag- as though my heart was removed.
I hurt mum and dad.
and the phone that i have never lost hope in.
Because its Significant
On my 17th birthday.

That's the sole reason my tears guzzled out.
It was a gift from mum and dad.

dont tell me its alright, because its not
dont tell me its just a phone; it was a special gift
dont tell me time will heal the lost; nothing will ever replace this phone in my heart
because, it was the first phone;
and mum and dad chose it, For me.
with their love, in it.

I'm sorry.