For once, I stutterred and trembled.
For the last moment I stood right in front with trembling fingers.
The J1s, whom i have planted infinite seeds of faith, so meticulously.

This tuesday, 1 year ago, i returned home early like today, to bathe and change into my comfy pe attire, to report for redcross meeting. Today, i braved the downpour home at 12, returning in my smart uniform. I have made it compulsory for all to report in full school uniform. Where we pinned the seeds of faith upon their callow collars.
It was so heavy a hope of believe - i have never given, i dropped the back of that collar pin with trembling fingers.
They commented that it had been so scary, the atmosphere. Nope, not scary. It meant serious business. and its discipline I've instilled in 17 hopeful balloons which i have released this evening.

Despite how tightly i grabbed hold of my pen and clenched my fists with the collar pin hidden, my hand gave it all away. How frightened i was like them, at the crux of revealing the posts. Forced smiles on this girl i have witnessed, how this boy mustered his courage to cheer for his friend becoming President. The disconnection of this boy's fleeting gaze into my eyes. The commencement of lamentations these two people have begun to consolidate... and the unexplained neutrality, like she has just entered another dimension. For once, i was nervous, and uncertain, like them.

Sweet notes.
For each unique individual, sweet little notes i have crafted, that earned the J2s a chorused "thank you J2s". A unified voice so powerful it propelled me into the clouds. It was a joy so succinct - the first i have had in redcross... not even when i clinched the highest position.

I have grown. PROOF!# but maybe not. from how i dreaded approaching meetings, feeling traumatised since the helm of the seniors, suppressing the stubborn tears of anguish on the rocky bus rides home late; Now satisfied after each successful meeting... Yet i childishly joke with them, talking... and waving with elation- like a girl with a lollipop in hand.

Today, the other J2s left, one by one.
I stayed till 7.30, explaining to the J1s, File by file Word by word Item by item.
I was the only one.
All the days my mind drifting away,
It was weaving this perfect labyrinth of thoughts -
which i have pathed precisely. :)

I aint a bitch bragging.
I have been different, and done it!
I'm proud.
I've built up this CCA.
are you?

and so, i move on.
I feel propelled by the wind.
High.

Somehow i cant proceed. Not this evening
Yet i dont wanna stray from this bittersweet treat
After this sleep, will be a newly driven AY
But no, i aint sleeping soon... ...

I feel like i've had enough.
Somehow, i know there will never be another group of friends that i can ever find that can replace the genuity of friendship we find in fellow amksians...

Tomorrow, i will be handing over the CCA.
there's this feeling of holding on so tight its refusing to let go..
because i'm so afraid the J1s might destroy.. all that i have built up in this CCA...
all the faith i've put down; like the sickbay was my third most frequented place in ny...
all, that i have made to evolve. And i really did that.
I'm sceptical... and thus so many hours and days and moments thinking about them,
unable to concentrate on my studies.
Yes, and i'm determined to hand over well...
so i aint studying this night. Only for 1 night.
and then it will end.

I know just what's right for me, what isnt. I know what my priorities are. Do not be nice to me only when you require a favour. Do not talk about others. I hate it when ppl speak about others and not reflect upon themselves committing the same sins. Cut it out with that smirk. dont make me slap. and how you keep repeating the same incidences; even if it had been embarrassing, if MY FRIENDS have said it was fine, I dont see any reason for you to humiliate me. Not once.
and so i shall move away-from what's wrong.
You aint always right.





ay//

Yesterday
It was Friendship Day. But nothing significant of sort of commemoration and thanksgiving to Friesnds occurred. Like the cold heartless Grounds of NY... maybe nothing of these seems worthy enough anymore. No, not in NY. Not when i counted down to the last moment i could rush home from school.
For so long
I have not looked forward to such a day. One single day when i was trully happy, no amount of school work might pull me down. As it draws closer, hinting me the days are fleeting. and tomorrow shall be a better day - nearer to my happy day. and after all these while, its still the gatherings with Greenies that make things right. Even though we pathetically get smaller and smaller. as we drift. and people have new commitments. Priorities, Distance. Even though as we sat at Chompchomp, and spoke no more... At least here, we still are. Please stay.
Beloved Alma Mater Dear.
Today, i sunk into a repetiton i have done for 4 years. It was when i boarded the bus obliviously in my own space, i embarked on the familiar route to school. where i beheld that stint of arrogance and confidence, turning the Familiar BEND towards the main gate. The icecream lady is still there. hoping to earn afew more pennies from the sultry weather. SIX years, she been standing beneath the shade of the canopy, watching the world go by. Was it satisfaction, when she could make the students smile? She is still there, today.
I forgot
There was a side gate to shcool. i feel. I forgot how to enter school. Strolling by the security guards who are ever so jovial about their jobs. Unlike NY guards. A guardhouse so secluded i overlook its existence completely.
Its ironic.
I know where i belong, and what that has bred me into what i have become. AMKSS and GirlGuides. But within, its merely an empty shell... Standing at the foyer, it feels nothing, but an empty shell, because nothing belongs to you anymore. No one familiar, just an empty shelter where you search aimlessly for something you could identify with. The walls and every pillar. Nothings is the same anymore. As we laugh about the same incident, and same story, its still there, we have come to a standstill; and we dont know how to proceed. I feel i was spacing within an empty shell.
I avoided you. I've read your blog. and it makes me scared. Its a feeling others will not experience. If, i havent known, i wouldnt have been this paranoid. If you cannot move on, we can never be friends. Its getting overboard, i'm sick of it. this is a pressure i feel you are still enforcing upon me. Its been far too old. Memories fade. Emotions die. What more, if it has never been there? You have known it.
Today
i dressed up. properly at least. A personica? Someone saw. i have sorta halted this play due to my hectic schedule.but if you could fix this jigsaw togther, you might realise the significance...
Do not worry, PUMPKIN friend, I wont do such a foolish thing to chase after a fantasy, because I TRUST YOU! :)
pile me with more work, then i'd stop daydreaming... haha...
I need to study very HARD.
I need it badly.

ay.starsplash.

TODAY!
after bio SPA, i was happy.
and then when Mr Neo announced that we were released, i was like WHEEEEE!!!!
it was a momentary feeling like the exams have just ended!!!! and i couldnt wait to come home to EXCLAIM:


ITS MY FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR TOMORROW!!!!! MY FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR SO FAR THAT I HAVE LOOKED FORWARD TO WITH SO MUCH HOPE AND EXCITEMENT!!! THAT WAS WHY THE WEEK HAS PASSED BY SO FAST, SUCCESSFULLY!!!!:)))))))

because.
-blood donation drive was a hell of a success.
-because tomorrow i would be visiting ALMA MATER DEAR AMKSS with auri to see my BELOVED girlguides.
-and i will be watching my dear friend Guanyi's masterpiece performance... and it would be the first major group GREENY outing, after sooooooooooooooooooooooo long!!!!!!!

ohmytiannytian.... i cant seem to contain this bursting triumph within... i feel like i'm gonna SCREAM out how happy i was today after dismissal from school.. because TOMORROW, FRIDAY is already HERE!!!!! oh mygod!

LOVE, AY XD

if I dont talk to you,
who else would?
I'm just angry. but i aint heartless.

ODD weeks.
I hate odd weeks. Just the odd weeks. With long schooling hours and friday's .... Bio. I sound like any other cliche blogs complaining about - school. But. if this carries on, i'm so gonna hate it, i'm gonna get a phobia of it, i'm gonna dread it. Dont. Dont make me do that. I just cant memorise in school. All the senseless bio stuffs. Dont force me, to do something i cant... You may call it a mental barrier, but, the more you force me, the more i cant do it...
I feel so fatigued-mentally. I walked the slowest i have ever walked home, from the side corridor of NY, along the sheltered pathway to the towering overhead bridge, the drudgery i feel i might just let go of this mad rush of life. when i saw my friend at the busstop, for once i pretended not to notice, that i didnt care-less, and he asked "why you dao me?"
I didnt mean to, in the slurry of perplexion...

For all the tears i have cried; all the angst erupted. All the moments of lost hope.
Poppins' achieved the As in pw. No matter how stubbornly i once mentioned never to speak with again; never to work together again, we were still Poppins'.
When after all,
we have stood together. We sat together before the release of results, and i was the first in the group to receive it.

It was a special kinda feeling that has never occurred before. I went up to the teacher's desk, look, check, double check if it was me. And i turned around to my group mates, with a smile and a nod - one so much of conviction and relief and gratitude. and my creased eye speaking 'I have done it.'
:)
ANNA EILEEN MARVEN YEMIN Z-WIN. (i miss z-win. I'm sure you do.)

there was no exceptional triumph, because if it had not been for goddess Mdm Ainon, we wouldnt have come thus far. we owe her, something intangible. and i know how i got to behave, in i know how screamings and bitchy exclamations make people sluts. For the hour thereafter, i was really clueless about how i was gonna talk to the people around me. I just wanted to run away, be it shout it out, or to call mummy, to only exclaim into her ears the triumph i have suppressed. But i didnt.
Mum wasnt there. and i remained silent - to being Safe.

"You cant lead a life alone in JC. You will die a tragic death. and today i repented over my obsessive sensitivity towards people. I cannot be alone in JC. and when i emerge, that's when all else gets lost."








for all the tears i have cried-
it had been all the more worse for me..
ay//

Today, i dropped my phone.
Onto cold, heartless cement ground at the atrium in ... NY.
and i learnt never to leave my pouch unzipped, EVER again.

Clumsy girl.

and my heart ached for 15minutes... if not for the bus schedule i have, i would have sat at a corner and emoed. i remember the times when i cried over a little lost paper clip in school...

These days are on the verge of ridding us of our senses.

Pumpkin said he isnt a good person. I dont know why, but let me ponder over it. because in the end, its her i trust. Not some fleeting shadow I have merely caught sight of in school.

RCers said i have been too nice to the J1s. somehow... i dont see a point in scolding them for they are already grown-ups, just like you and me. Furthermore, they have been really participative, and i sincerely respect them. :)
If you take for granted, i wouldnt give you the least breath of respect, you know ME.

Its Guanyi's birthday today!!! My dear friend for 4 years! :)


ay.starsplash//

I feel so stupid.
Nothing beats returning home to my humble neighbourhood, even if i'm confined within this safe enclave of familiarity, when all else turn their backs.

I feel so stupid making my way to paya lebar to attend Southeast CDC's Stand Up Movement project palnning 1. A time when i feel all the load is being flung at me, simultaneously, continuously, like heavy raindrops falling on my head. When i was chosen, as the leader once more. I didnt have the stamina anymore... Fool, then you shouldnt have like - showed off - and showed the world that you had been capapble of something right?! Stupid.

I'm such a different girl i realised. what others could do, i cant. i couldnt follow after the footsteps of my revered idol, the Standupmovement's leader, she is a graduant from VJC. the excuse i give is that i am different. that i drink less sweetened soya milk, munch on blueberry instead of chocolate puffs. that i can only study at home, that i love being alone at home in the lazy afternoons...
Anna the strange, as surong once joked.

i dont know, I feel handicapped without my magic of words, which i took 3 years of reading from secondary 2 to 4 to cultivate, i've simply lost it all; You dont see the impact of my words anymore. and the absence of nothing significant enough to stimulate my coldheartedness, of mention and memory, everything has become dull.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ay.starsplash//
i feel helpless, when this feeling within cannot be expressed.
today, i learnt that returning home, could be so sweet:)

i feel that i'm blabbering to people like a bullet train today, i talk about everything, laugh and talk loud. i havent talked so much altogether within a day for so long :)

Its been so long since i last blogged. and after so long, my old blog template was also lost. the owner has removed the pic. It seems like everything aint the same no more. Ruins. Like my grades. My studies, which i try so hard for.
Today's results. I finally got an A for chem test. So what, its just a test. But at least it rekindled some of the lost hope i had ever since Bio test, which i had spent my entire weekends studying, but just that 1 essay that i had left out, and it had to appear. I'm just gonna fail. I know it wouldnt matter to you. but. i cant. and i am disappointed.
Give me some time. I will pick up the pieces.

I'm forever imagining week 4 to arrive soon. Where all the major involvements i have in school will finally come to a closure.. the blood donation drive. and some tests, and some stuffs. I need to settle down. and to enjoy my fellow Greenie, Guanyi's masterpiece CCS performance. and to return to AMKSS that very friday, to see how things are, to catch up, to... resurrect the memories.

After so long, i have seen the many faces of people, how the people around me has evolved. Some has become so mean i'm disillusioned. Some, just another stranger whom i dont know anymore. i have yet to accept them, and i dont intend to, its too tedious. Call me a fool... but, if i try so hard, what more will become of me? I'm sorry. I just... go away. from them. Sometimes, the many smiles and waves at passing people in NY, is simply because i know them. But Sometimes, i see no point. and i am exhausted, doing that - to strangers.

looking out for you, is nothing, more than a fantasy, that could trigger my emotions, nonetheless.

ay.starsplash.