there's something that occurred.
something i avoid trying to make sense of.
she is used to blabbering about what happened in school for the day.
her friends.
the children -
how the child held her hands-
oh, so touching.
she has forgotten what i have told her
i went to bake cookies.
at my friend Louisa's house.
she has forgotten.
she didnt ask how she was.
how i had played my part as a Good friend.
she just reiterates her happy moments time and again.
and Probably, she has read my Journal
which i avoid trying to believe
but i did say these in my dear Journal.
and the next day
oh, so coincidentally,
she messaged me:
you havent told me what was the outcome of the cookies!
oh well,
you didnt know, you will not know.
You would blame me,
for I should be the one updating her.
But.
when she has so much on her mind,
the grievances over her pay scheme
the ugly people in the office
the lingering sweetness her friends might have sprinkled.
Why.
why would i interrupt that train of thoughts
and burden her with the
trivial knowledge
of my routine activities.
After that one sms from her, which i did not reply
she hasnt asked about it.
Maybe, she has now forgotten she has asked that question.
well, let me tell you.
It was so exciting.
we planned to go to Louisa's house at Sembawang to bake a cake!
but since her mum aint home, we decided to go to a mall.
and since causeway point at woodlands is so mundane,
we headed to Jurong point at Boonlay.
Anyone would have exclaimed:
Oh man, that's SOOOOO Far!!!!! Go there for what???
but.
i never saw that curiosity from your face.
we never baked any cookies after all.
i've said it here now.
if you read it, you will know.
Today, we had a sumptous dinner!
you came back late, at 6.30,
instead of the usual 4.30
which eventually dragged past 5.oo.
we had western food!
you must have forgotten about my gum infection which lasted for over a month.
its still there.
you forgot.
it was expensive.... i felt the pinch for you.
but i didnt care, and i enjoyed the meal, totally.
when you went towards the stall
my nose stang
and my eyes welled.
because i think its like a...
'making-up-for'.
a bu chang.
for all the -Forgottens- you have given me.
i accept it.
i ate in silence,
while you entertained me with your...
rainbow life now.
i felt so ... empty,
something missing.
some...
love.
because i felt that you have since forgotten my presence.
some, at least.
it doesnt matter to you so much anymore
because i'm in JC now, and am suppossed to be independent.
but last night on my bed
i felt like an ultimate mummy's-little-girl.
you know what i did...
i need not say.
and this feeling's coming round all over again
and again
and again.
you no longer enquire about PW
about my results
about osle.
about what i ate in school, for the day.
oh yes!
when i went to vivocity with kianlam,
you didnt ask where we went to blah blah.
nor why we had even gone THERE!
oh gosh...
You will blame me once more -
that I should be the one telling her.
Does she have time to?
she's so tired eyes lumbering in the hall every evening.
well,
sleep, go sleep.
at least you are happy each day.
i'm satiated.
just let me say out all the sadness.
and i will be fine, like ALWAYS.
no wonder
recently i have felt utterly lonely
when i used to tell my friends:
haha! why would i be lonely? i have brothers and sisters all around me!
Is that a lie, a facade?
well,
just let me dream.
the unspoken realms.
where mum
hasnt forgotten about me.

ay.starsplash.
i feel so immature.
that's why i cant be
and why i'm emo
and why i couldnt care about people around me...
sometimes//

visited Jurong Point with Louisa and Cheryl Low yesterday! =)
wrote alot in my journal, but i seem to have lost the urge to speak it here. So, it was a nice day, there you go! =)

Today is Chinese Alvels... and i did take the last Step!

See you!
go back sch tmr =(
but OP is ENDING!!!!!

ay.starsplash//

Hmmm. its a tiring day! =) but its nice!
after school, went J8 with greenies, cheryl low, auruauriauri, pumpkin and yir to gallivant!
we strolled several many rounds... haha, i feel that we quite an ON! bunch of people! because we just planned to go out together only this morning, and last minute switching destinations Impromptu! XD
Way to Go guys!
we circled the 5th level, the cinema area about 4 or 5 times, my legs are aching... haha!!!! J8 was quiet, as though we are pon-sters, sec schs are preparing for Olevels and SA2s... other JCs having lessons... haha!
Its a nice start for the week, "Last day of school" tmr! or so they call it... and NYJC has school cleaning day tmr, they call it "Use your hands campaign" sounds so nice... LOL..
after OP on 3rd NOV, I shall be a free bird!!!!
i havent visited my Cathay, and Vivo to buy gloves, and ... East coast park and many many other places! =)
OH YES!!!! i am saving money to indulge in my year end gift to myself - that flowy chiffon pretty dress over 20 bucks!!! quite expensive though...
pray, hope... that i can still obtain a Bursary award this year.....

see you!!!
I'm Determined to cut my hair within these 2 days.... Its dangerously outta shape!!!! i cant stand it!

hmm, some random pics here okay, to end this weekend! XD
Guess which country this is! must guess!



abit dark though...
Its in Singapore! the sun rising behind the row of houses seem so fairytale like.. haha!

omg, look at this fish, its head is so large its Exploding! at my aunt's house

mum bought thsi STARRY comb for me from daiso at PS yesterday!!!! so nice omg, i LOVE it to bits!

this small cute starry comb i think i've looked at it for 1000 times already...

My hand!!!

Yesterday, Osle went to Little india for a cultural trip! we had to try these ULTRA sweet kuehs, omg, i took a pinch of it and i almost vomited.... yucks!!!! Pui!!!! omg! luckily i always have tissues at hand and i spitted out everything twice!

and my friend painted henna on all our hands as part of the challenge! so nice right! =) i'm just wondering how i will be gesturing with my painted hands during OP... hahaa

Hmmm.. i'm having wonderful times at home everyday lazing and stoning as and when i like, that's the kinda life i hope will never end... =)

i'm so tempted to push forward the BBQ and Cyclings to SOON you know... xxxxxxx December seems so long...

see you on Tues!

ay.starsplash
mum said " i didnt know a small comb can make you so happy... if i had known i would have bought you a dozen of it."

today, i am happy finally! =)
today i went Borders to buy my Dream book! =) and my Star book!!! yeah!!!! costs $19.90... i had such a nice time flipping through all the books at leisure after school today=) maybe its really nice being alone. and these 2 books were on offer and i grabbed them! they are the exact books i have been searching for!!!!! yea!!!!!!
then Kianlam came to find me, my BEST male friend!!!! XD, we headed to Vivo to chat so much!!!!! XDXD! we went Daiso to shop! and then Giant to buy bread for mum! and then Carls' Junior for the Godly Ice Lemon Tea... but i ate few pieces of Lemon only... =(
anyway, it was such a HAPPY DAY!!!!!!

And when i returned home, Guanyi called me!!!! XD yea!!! so happy!!!! we talked so much, so long havent chatted with him for so long, seems like 2 months now... =)
he's depressed that he's gonna retain, but dont worry, WE ARE STILL HERE for you!!!! =) i made him guess sth that was troubling me i so wanna tell someone, haha... and he FAILED in guessing... haha!
and today

Guanyi taught me a valuable lesson. That i shouldnt be posting personal emotions on my bloggy. that somehow i should delete my bloggy because i have badmouthed and hurt some people. made me learn something very important. =)

today i am so happy. after so long, all my troubles seem to disappear, for a day at least, haha!
finally, i am happy today!
i love dreaming.
but what if i nv awoke?


ay.starsplash
it's a happy day!

i dont know how to correct things. things i know i have done wrong. guanyi who highlighted how mean i had been. when i was so oblivious and no one - NO ONE had told me so.
Not even randy bro. at that time.

Just now i was doing PPT then there was a buzzing sound and i went to close the windows smaller THEN!!!!!! the stupid BUG was buzzing on the inside ledge!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN IT! gave me the shock of Thursday! and i'm getting apranoid with any slight buzzing in the room...

anyway, today i napped from 1 to 4pm!
I'm amazed with how my mind can imprint scenes from the Past and Present.
the sketches today depicted that school had ended at 1pm...
Everyone was busy on their lapotops and rushing home, at 1pm, it was as if the sun has set/ exploded... and i was rushing along the darkened corridors of the 5th level of NYJC to retrieve my red Esprit bag (which i soso rarely use). At this holy 1pm, it was as dark as a Blackout, PITCH darkness. The carnival outside of school cast ghastly shaows of moving lights on the cold walls of the classroom. as i stumbled through the tables to find the light switches. meanwhile, this cleaner uncle came to tell me my red bag is with the cleaner auntie! LOL Melissa was beside me, her laptop crashed to the ground...
then somehow, i appeared in this smaller air con room with several people on small laptops and auri was there!!!! if i didnt get it wrong, Randy bro has instructed Auri to buy buy some stuffs on behalf of this girl's birthday. haha!
there was this woman, Smitten... Well, Her name is 'Smitten'!!! haha she was talking to auri...
In another classroom, guess who i saw!!! omg! It was JESLIN!!!!! she was sitting beside this girl with afro hair.. i told her that girl has this resemblence to peiqi, and jeslin replied "ORH HOR!!! you say peiqi....." XD
guess the time i read on our watches? it was 12am. 12 midnight!!!! school closes at 1pm and we lingered till 12 midnight !!! LOL
then suddenly, several boys stood in a row infront near the entrance of the classroom standing, some squatted, with a flower in their hands! haha, randy was holding a SUNFLOWER!!!!LOL XD
Apparently these were birthday gifts to that girl, whom no matter how hard i recall, i cant remember who she is. But jeslin mentioned sth: " you didnt celebrate with her, because you dont know her anymore, right?" Who? maybe i know who.
Then, this "Smitten' woman kept harassing me if i knew the guy auri had talked to, and asked for his details for she wanted to thank him... then i said okay okay... i will find out, and she forced me to record down her NUMber and name!! LOL! she scribbled on my apper 'Smitten, 5xxxxxxx' i cannot rmb the numbers else i wld have bought 4D! haha!!! she said ' remember to pick up your phone when i call you ar...' YUCKs! LOLLy!
XD

you know, everytime i awake from a dream, i feel i have emerged from teh 2nd realm..., i do not feel the 500 pound weight burdening me. I see those people i care about, like my new classmate melissa, the right that i cannot overlook her existence, and of course Greeny friends... Its another world altogether.

The carnival lights were so magical!

I'm awed about my complex mind... may i dream more! =)

i really feel better today! =) i told you, after 1 emo post and i'll be fine sooner than you know it =)

Yet, what if i lingered in the dream realm and never awoke?

Only the smart, can decipher. haha.

I'm feeling weird these few days, several weeks for now. Like there's a heavyness weighing me right down. I feel so tired, troubled and insane. Many atimes i lay on my bed at night oblivious to Myself, that i am just - Functioning like a machine, lifeless stone. Its especially these few weeks, after promos, that everything is resurfacing. Like a taboo i wish to hide. Sometimes, these emotions just IMplode within me, rendering me so helpless and alone. I no longer care who bothers about myself in school, i yearn for that simplicity, yet i cant settle. Its the kind of carefreeness with Auri and Serene and Randy bro with his friends today at Macdonalds that keeps me alive, i was surprised i could crack really humorous jokes with them, and that THEY laughed with me. Ever since dont know when, i have lost track of myself. Ever since my parents' serious quarrell, i have lost complete control. It seems like i am rushing to fit everything into any ample time, reading, PW, Osle, Thinking, emoing... its craziness. i dont want to know anymore of you. Tell them to stop mentioning you! Dont remind me. Hold on. Here's my PW group mate. We are worlds apart, but there is just 1 reason i know why she's emoing so bad and i shant say, but i can never compare myself with her,i'm just a noob fierce dao kia, and appear nonchalant towards the guys and strangers swarming around me in NYJC... later. next year, i promise to resolve this. Blogs are platforms, for us to put on a false facade, or simply reveal who we are. Yet i have used it to lie, i thought declaring everything here will be fool-proof to prevent myself from going back on my words. I was merely trying. Today i intended to tell them at least, but they were brilliant enough to guess. Ha-Ha. anesthesia. I really wonder when will i regain that lightness within me, the once in a blue moon exuberant me. Maybe when i go to chiang rai i will overcome all these But, what if i take it even much worse? like... like... that hike under the stars and the grass. yes. I will be even closer to the stars than you had. I will be on the hilltop. I will miss everyone back home. Maybe that will rekindle my roaming consciousness. Will you Kick me, tell me you hate me, make me forget you. Yesterday i attended the MOE teaching scholarship seminar with Huiru, for once in my life i talked so much with her. I sincerely appreciate her company yesterday! Maybe its the OP dryrun, whereby my legs trembled. and i was dumbfounded at the assesor's question. i was traumatised for the rest of teh day, maybe. Is this difficult to read? Just like how i struggle to explain it all... Just. Just kick me so. stop it. i want to forget you. I have to do it soon. Regain my consciousness!! i must feel the lightness, like how the wind might sway me away. Its too intense i cant smile for quite awhile. Faster. faster. and christmas and everything shall come. I want pw to be over, I'm getting a phobia, over everything. Even bio, when i saw the Biopolis building yesterday. At least, ... because its the first time. This happened.

Yesterday, My parents quarrelled.
I guess i have been numbed by their coldness towards each other.
Their love and concern for each other seemed to have just diminished and BOOM!, lost over the years as i grow...
or maybe its masked so abstractly i cant decipher.
But yesterday it was so chaotic i simply shut my mind. I was preparing to change to go Yem's house to do PW but i didnt make it after all.
I felt like stone.
Not until this morning i felt i would break down in school.
This small family of 3 just seems to be vulnerable, on the verge of breaking apart, as though i'm the only reason they have to hold on...

Yesterday, mum cried.
Its like she has lost in a game, and was full of anguish.
But.
This is not a game.
It has happened so often i dont know how to react anymore.
My sleep didnt heal.

I wish to go to the beach or park.
just sit there. they would go with me.
but i wont leave mum alone at home.
i cant do it.









ay

i wonder what my MUM will say if she hears this song!!! LOL!!!!
i'll blog later, do my many tasks first!

cant find ANGEL by Natasha Bedingfield..

RANDY SAYS BOOK CHALET IN JANUARY!
that's so darn LOOOOOOOOnnnnnnnnnnnnnGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG la..... =(
today i abandoned my pw group at 1.30pm, i was too dreadful of it i couldnt stare at it 1 second longer, dont worry, i will start OP tmr,
today i rushed home then i planted myself on the chair and did my OSLE games dilligently... haiz... i have no life!!! =(

anyway, today i had a very nice lunch at PIZZA HUT with Cheryl L and Pumpkin!!!! we talked and ate so carefreely, the world was OURs, haha... saw several greenies around. =)
well, actually the NY greeny gang intended to go.. in the end stupid! Pw stalled them all... even auri couldnt make it... =( so sad.
so peiqi, cheryl L and I braved the storm to AMK. MY POOR SHOES... MY WHITE NIKE SHOES... OH NO! But i have cleaned them.!
HUMPH!!!!!
LOL.. where was everyone!

tmr there's osle meeting.. oh no... i'm feeling so stressed! yesterday rushing WR then troubled by OSLE games Prop which was overdue - i ahd cleanly forgotten all about it... ohman, i am the leader, Gosh!!! i=( and and... chalet, its left with 3D2N, and i'm having this premonition people will all back out last minute due to PW... i can SEEEEeeeeeeeeee it...... then left with auri, peiqi, cheryl L and Myself, AGAIN... oh no!!!!!! i dont want book already i dont want book already....
you can see i'm traumatised...
ask huiru book safra then.
just that chalet more fun and i could get it cheaper.. humph.
i want to go out.
i'm gona play bmt with my fatty nephew tmr, may he lose weight. haha!

i had this MOE scholarship seminar thingy for teaching, i want to go!!! hmm..
go with me if you ahve k! haha
Do you all have it? XD



i wasnt avoiding-
Do it, Do it if you dare.


ay.starsplash.FRIDAY.

dear bloggy, today i'm gonna review about my results.
Today, all nyjcians sat in the hall to receive their promo results, it was a peculiar sight to see, all the worried/hopeful faces... haha
i passed all my subjects!!! =) are you there reading, doubting what i said previously that i am as risky and vulnerable as you all? But.
We really didnt know how well we could do. In fact i dared not even think of it, not at all.
For eg GP, i wasnt even confident that my essay structure was right, but i passed! Its, the risk, hence i rather not predict my results.


You know, ever since i entered JC, i have since been disorientated with the grading systems...
Confused between As Bs and Cs, while a C5 was disaster 1 year back, now a C is an average and considered the third BEST grade! haha...
Another thing. In JC, a 45 means PASSED! yet i cannot yet settle down with a mere smile unless i obtain 50 and above.
I'm sorry if i said my math of 56.5, a C, that i have just Scraped through...
I'm still lingering in the old systems of sec sch, as though in the universe.. blah blah... i should be glad a 55-60 means a C. 3rd best grade, AY... =)

Its an ABCC except chem isnt returned yet.
For the first time in my JC, i scored 58 for GP, a C... godness...and math was terrible, shouldnt be getting this, but i have tried my best, of course with my constant harassments towards Randy Bro during our Greeny studying days in sch... see, you are honoured! haha!

YOu know, there was this happiness in me today, and i could only tell PEIQI PUMPKIN HO!!! =) i got highest in my class for Geog. That's enough. i couldnt tell my fellow geog classmates, i couldnt tell randy bro, he failed... while pumpkin doesnt take geog, but since we know each other well, well, true friends will know i aint boasting here. Just. Rejoicing?
Somehow, i ignored the entire portion on earthquakes and a 12m question came out!!! i fretted about everything for not studying it... i bet my friends are sneering at me now, what a liar and loathsome brat i am, pretending that i hadnt been well prepared but scored such grades, just like in mid years.
I need not lie here. In the warmth of Greeny gang, i know there's trust. They know me too well.


MR Ng commented that i need not go into such detail for the essay qs... haha... and he wrote that i deserved a good grade! Yeah!!! as an elective geog student, i knew i had to put in the extra mile for i didnt have the basics, and i did IT!!!
I used to tell you: passion makes the world go round.
Randy loved math, had a mental calculator, and he aced an A in math!, while me, i loved geog, the only subject i earnestly enjoyed studying in JC,and i too clinched an AAAAA!!!!


Somehow or rather,
I CANT HELP BUT FEELING THAT I'VE MADE ISMAIL PROUD, THAT I HAVE BROUGHT GLORY, THROUGH HER PECULIAR TEACHING METHODS, AND AMKSS'S GREENERY...


all greenies have made it! =)+)=)
its after today, as our pact has spelled:
ITS TIME TO PLAN OUR GREENY CHALET!!!!!!!!!!!!


each one of you mattered to me
its you i turn to in times of despair or jubilance
Together.
Its here we shared this prudence. =)

<3
aystarsplash.GREENY!

today the star shone! =)

i must apologise if satisfaction and oblivion towards your grades made you despise me for a second, i was thinking ... how long it would take for you guys, to Know me, at all.

you know during yesterday's PW lecture, the song 'i believe i can fly' was played at the end of the presentation as a closure.
I sat in front, down there, crossarmed, knowing no one around me will know what IT Meant.
there were gushes of loyalty and belonging banging, swishing through me, and
Cheryl Low told me she teared...

That was how FLYBUN came about!
i was a bun, while Mr tan chee siong sang that song.. tada!
and i sorta miss him, his slow motion addresses toward the school...
the eyeball contact,
sit up straight...
there's no more of such childish instructions to abide by anymore.

this years' farewell assembly, i heard he sang this song once more, and all of them received a 'Graduant of AMKSS 2008' keychain strap! So NICE!!!!
Am i jealous?
YES i am!!!!
but i am contented, with the pretty memories that has been embedded in my mind's eye -
FOREVER.

=) ay.starsplash.FLYbun.

Oh man!

you know, while my toes were 'nibbling' at this star

which i held tightly to sleep, tears spilling all over the farewell letters, on my bed.

that i realised it is 12.10.2008 today!~

EXACTLY 1 YEAR AGO TODAY, ON 12.10.2007, IT WAS AMKSS'S FAREWLL ASSEMBLY!!!

Where we took photos like there was no tomorrow, and greeny gang went marina bay to eat steamboat!!!! it has since closed down...

and i'm cursing myself for forgetting this eventful day...

one year has passed in the blink of an eye, i do not remmeber any significance this year, i do bother much... But there's greeny gang with me. and i am eternally grateful for that. =)

long live greenies!

its our anniversary! haha

omg!!! luckily i remembered!!!!

kianlam says:
yo
ay its 12.10.08 today!!! says:
its our anniversary!!!!
kianlam says:
....

kianlam says:
wat?
ay its 12.10.08 today!!! says:
the amksian farewell
kianlam says:
wats the big deal
kianlam says:
we are still friends!
ay its 12.10.08 today!!! says:
we have continued this friendship for yet another year!!!!
ay its 12.10.08 today!!! says:
=)
ay its 12.10.08 today!!! says:
i'm so happy!
kianlam says:
hahaha
kianlam says:
...

...

...

I'm so happy i grasped another of this eventful day!!!

see you tmr! =)

I just wanna blog this before school starts.
i know you wouldnt understand, but i'm feeling that dread, impending fear approaching. I'm risky. I'm telling you that. You shun me away, because you aint me.
I have been thinking alot about L. I desire to know how she is, why has she been so quiet, i'm frightened. This silence suffocates me, influences me. Accentuates my fear.

It was on this tagboard, i saw what She said.
i have told aurina, goddess auri, that if the entire xxxx turned up at the... chalet, how angry would i be, I would cry, i would curse them. This thought swept past my mind on several occasions, because i saw it. Auri assured me 'wont la'. My plan is tweaking. I'm worried.
No, i cant let them destroy it, And i will not, You cannot! I was grateful, Yet. Undeniably, there's my shield against them.

This, is the best weekend since so long =))
As though a fairytale, i simply lazed on the sofa, reading, listening to my music, lying on my bed, dreaming, singing by the window after dinner... Some Things i havent done with such a cleared mind since... i dont know when.
Reading is a... luxury? Indulgence? this point in time.. Used to be my hobby every holiday, i have lost it since....?
This fairytale weekend, i let my mind at ease, doing nothing.
I'm happy. =))
Its a fairytale weekend.
Let me cherish it, for the next time, is so clouded, i cant picture it at all.
I felt peace.
And the wind loved me.

love, ay//.

somehow this song * puts myself really at ease, like flowing water, all the worries washed away. this song makes me think. of somebody..
*Why by Secondhand Serenade: why did you do this to me? rings in my head!
i wished we talked.like before.
i wished we talked like before.
its just a story, =)
a fairytale.
haha.

// \\

This is called TECHNO!!!!
Flying by Base Jumpers

alright, i skipped school yesterday. I needed a break. A day without rush, a day to do what i wanted; needed to do. I met qingyun out! We went to marina square for my curry noodles, man i have been craving for it. Yet that one bowl aint enough... we took a photo in the black glass wall but it is too dark to be seen. My 2/5 0'50'607'7 friend!!!



At marina square, a familiar face in my GREEN uniform brushed past us... She is Alvin Lee's sister in sec 4!!! i kicked up a fuss at her untucked-in school uniform, made her look like a hooligan from a ganster school, marring MY schools' image! and so today, at the atrium i called out to Alvin " alvin alvin alvin!!! i saw your sis at marina square yesterday, she didnt tuck in her shirt!!!"

We proceeded to this alleyway...

No la, this is the route along my beloved corridor towards the Esplanade, there is usually an entire row of artworks on display, like the purple starry one at the top left ahnd corner of this blog! =) that was during fireworks fest 0'8.The blurry effect created the emo and cool feeling ha!~

Simple things made me happy. I just told myself i wouldnt go sentosa anytime soon lest i become charred once more... hence the need for use of whitening foam... oh man, i hate the flaky plumpy red skin! OUCH!

YET. While strolling at the rooftop play area of Vivocity, seeing the envious cabins of the cable car, eyes trailing the distinct orange panorail into sentosa.

The sun streams rained on me, But it was a heart-warming, comfortable, cuddly kinda warmth... it was nice. =) Tellin' me The World is Alive~

This structure is in process of being set up. =) can you guess what it is?

It is a 2 metre structure of a christmas tree! I bet this christmas' gonna be a big bash! Hmm.. still gotto wait... hold on, till i return from Chiang Rai okay!XD We shall go paint the town Red.. and Green!! together. =)

When i saw this scene, it brought a kinda lovin smile to my face, you might call it lame blah blah... Do not forget we used to do this. Even more stupid things than this. Arent they the happy ones, not burdened by conflicts of grownups? =)

I made a promise, i will abide by it. I will book the chalet, the one all of you is looking forward to.. =)

I saw LL walking down. Cheryl's face was still. I'm trying to uncode the emotions. I'm trying to unwind what i never understand anymore.

I cant do anything to help another of my friend in distress...

AY.starsplash.its comingitscoming!!!

Dear Bloggy
Where shall i start?
I couldnt concentrate. 100%, with my Greeny gang today. I must admit it was one of the most fulfilling outings TOGETHER once more... so long have i not played so carefreely with them. Yet issues tug relentlessly at the rear of my mind, that it eventually overpowers everything nice. So, - the swing; i swang back into my own World at the end of the day. He was singing... (haha) but i werent listening at all. The many bengs and lians around, yet i didnt take notice of anyone of them. I was adrift, here there everywhere.


You cannot say this. =(
Dont say out of everyone else, i am the least probable who might retain in JC. Dont say i study so hard and if i dont pass, what's the point. Dont say i'm smart and i can do it. Dont say anymore.
Because if i had failed my chem, and flunked my Bio, its tragedy. If i fail GP and Math, its disastrous. How am i gonna cope with J2. If i score badly for Geog. I'll tell you, then there's nothing left for me. At all. Because that's the only subject that holds my interest, that i aint dreadful of studying despite the drudgery of it all... and that if i too, flunk it, That's the end.
Because i cant study like before. Because my brain is gone. Because all the tonic and eyebags have gone down the drain, because i have lost the Momentum. Because. Because its worthless now. Because i have lost it all.

i scored a 44. FOUR, the double unlucky digits, and i subconsciously began blaming my TUTOR. That she aint as competent as the other teachers and blah blah... Its acting once more - My BLACK DEVIL's Excuse. Why am i doing this? i ought to knock myself against the wall. Knock me. and then i blamed it on my exam schdule. That i had math and geog papers the previous day, so i had lesser time then all the other students for Chemistry revision... Shut Up, what are you doing AY!!!?! Its your own fault. That the temptations of the world wide web and television and outings and lazings at home, and sleep and daydreaming couldnt hold me back.

You were disgusted with my mugging habits, that all i knew was to mug, day in, day out, day and night. That i needed a life. That i needed a break. that i was a monster, somehow, yea, somehow. I felt like one too, sometimes.
You know what? I know myself very, very well. if i didnt study, its a 10/20 for an mcq test. others achieved 18/20. though they might have known the questions before hand, (Bloody devil, get lost of your excuses) i had. TEN.
and if i studied, its a 44.
maybe. maybe its just my OWN expectations. dont blame me.
They. whom YOU know, scored 50s, 60s...
I'm not comparing. just, just that
I cant do it anymore.
i felt helpless all of a sudden. That i wanna go all quiet, and pretend. pretend nothing happened. Their Disappointment in me. Humiliation, embarrassment, jeers. No, it didnt pierce a single shard, because i have pierced it myself. And at the spur of the moment, how i wished the haunting sequence of emotional turmoil i have undergone in secondary 3 revived... Its was a nightmare. But at least i didnt let myself down...
Wake up. Wake up.
I have to mug. Hard. Now do you know why i have to mug? If you still dont see the rational, see the way AY does things, Then you so DONOTKNOW AY, and if you still Couldn't accept the way i AM, and that's why we cant be; and that... i have eventually lost you. =(


Peiqi and i frolicked to cineleisure to watch CONNECTED!!! It is our maiden movie together with AURI !!! so nice! omg. When the car crashed into 'Grace''s car (role of xiao S, is that it???) omg i jumped! and then everytime the kidnappers pointed the gun at the victims i will be clutching my hands so tight to prepare for .. er... for the worst... for the kidnappers shot POINT-blank, and everytime i flinched and squinted my eye without fail. When the saviour hero (eddie cheung - is it??? haha) tracked down the enemies, i would be communicating with him la, saying, 'HURRY HURRY!!!! omg!!!!' ohoh, because of Grace's brother who took a video of the murderers shooting people at a park, they were being sought after, and in order to retrieve the camera, the kidnappers had to hunt down the entire of Grace's family... Then the hero found the camera and i was like telling him - " give to the police!!!!!!!!!!!!! give to the police!!!!!!!!!!!""""""" and then i will be thinking, but he has no phone, and has no car, how to... (i was writig my own script...) Auri was always covering her ears without fail when shooings took place!!! i looked at her and i started giggling continuously... and PEIQI was er, emotionless, for she laughed when they killed!!! but she was so smart!!! she knew that the policeofficer who 'saved' the hero was a villian in disguise.. just when i thought the movie was about to end... AHHHHH... SO NICE!!! it wa sso exciting and captivating that my muscles were so tensed with the movie that it kept twitching... okay, i think you dont know what i mean... The hero was so distraught with the mess of himself, in the name of saving a STRANGER, while forsaking a promise made to his young son, that was the ultimate toying of emotions and kindness of a human being... blah blah.. ANYWAY,
Surong and her classmates were ironically in the same cinema as US, we only realised till the show ended. LOL!!!!!
It the best CHINESE movie i have ever had.. haha. second time going to cineleisure this year!!! gallivanting till so late!!XD
And off we headed to our beloved AMK Hub for dinner, and they went to play pool (er. sorry, is it this pool? hah!!!) , i went to buy shorts to enter (huiru went to buy shorts with me, i found it a tad awkward, but she said it was ALRIGHT... =) thank you =) ) !!!! then, it slowly began... No No, its not being there with you all around the pool table okay. My first time there, and randy peiqi they all telling me all sorts of things and playing, joking... made me think and think... , and i tried to be Back There with them by... haha, stealing their billiard balls secretly.. till randy realised - " eh, where is that blue ball in front of the hole?????" apparantly the easy ball he wanted to hit... humph! and peiqi was laughing and let the cat out of the bag hence i had to surrender the 3 stolen balls... Fun was over... haha. learnt a little how they played, saw the arena finally... LOL... i was the noob there but i Dont Care! Auri said everything has a first time ma...
then peiqi told me i shouldnt be there for its a place for ah lians and bengs.. well, yup, shouldnt be there, but i didnt have that bad an impression of the place after all... =) so ncie sitting, watching, listening to the nice songs! yea. and thinking alot.
and i left at 10 plus...

and decided to give mum and dad a surprise by buying CONNECTED tickets for them to go watch together haha!!! still in the midst of planning, hopefully this shall rekindle some of that drifting between mum and dad... =) so guai right, i AM! haha... of course!
because i am their only child! =)

several days before today, i wasnt anticipating the last day of promos, i was worried bout PW, what's all that's coming up... OSLE to Chaing Rai, PW, OP, Red Cross... OMG... everything's piling up!!!! I'm left with 2 week in december, after i return form chiang rai. I am prepared, to return with the ULTiMATE PHOBIA OF INSECTS that might have frightened all the WITS outta me there. Trust me. if you are my friend, kill all the insects i can see for me.

and after fulfilling all the plans i have -
= curry noodles with qingyun
= outing with jingjng and kianlam.. i want to go clark quay and bugis and vivo...
= cycling with 2/5 0'50'60'7
= teach peiqi cycling!!!!! (i'm so excited!!! i hope to teach her the mental strength. she was so shy to learn, because people sayings she's big sized, they cant teach her... True friends make her learn!!! =))
= Changi airport with LOUISA!!!!!
= the highlight - GRENNY GANG Chalet!!!! all MY friends must come okay!!!!! haha!! I wonder if it will even materialise with all the weight piling on me...
but i have to do these, not let precious friendships and memories drift, this lil' sacrifice...
I'll book the chalet in december!!! but randy bro might return to cambodia... =( ... nvm, still have Guanyi!!!!!! EYEBROWS!!!! He dyed his hair yesterday, its as black as his eyebrows now.. haha...!! XD

Yes. Tonight, my face was flushed... I dont know why. It was patchy redness. Pimples, Guilt... The colour of repentance. Culpability, Realisation.
Knock knock. wake me up.

I'm sorry this post's so long... Its going into my Journal.

and yea.
I did, miss you. shh.
merely.
Goodnight!
Thank you Greenies for making my day! =)





Love, AY//

Swing Swing,
swing me away -
To the rainbow stairs -

I feel happy just lazing at home. Knowing i have so much to do, so many things lined-up in beeline right AFTER the promos next tues... its like a wet blanket i trudge to pull away... lazing at home, i just realised i have spent about a week, from Monday's last paper till tmr for home study and play. So long, yet so swift.

i love dreaming. How many times have i mentioned that? haha... it leads me into a temporary world where i see no more than fairytales that never hurt.

Last night i dreamt of going overseas again. i saw sketches of my luggage, baggage...toiletries... =)

Yes, yes, last time i promised to recount my countryside dream to you...

This was the swing i passed by on my way to a party at some grand court house! It was sitting on a peaceful landscpae, and there was this very sweet ribbon on the back rest! =)

Upon reaching the house, we peeked through the holes between the fencing of this grand entrace! on the higher levels of the house, a group of boys were waving to my friend! haha!

its just a happy day!

christmas is coming!

i wanna pack chocos!!! =)

one step at a time =)

ay.starsplash.and i'll return very soon.