this morning i awoke humming the song Guilty by Blue. and i dont know why.
this morning i awoke, and told myself i should be at the airport right then.
this morning i awoke at 7 and i told myself to sleep on, and wake up later.

Yesterday, the osleians went to school for the last day to tie up the pieces. we formed a circle and Mr lim initiated the sharing. That was the final meeting since the knowing of the Cancellation of the trip. When each of them spoke, i really - sucked in- my teary eye, avoiding all gazes. then keqin spoke, she had an outburst, and all the rest followed. It felt.. good, to let it out. we shared, we emoed, and we felt better. Really better. but there's this emptiness about the literature room where we hold all our meetings now, like i dared not step in there ever again, a taboo... and i see no more reason to step in there, except for future osle.
just when i feel so belonged.

we took pics, and went cycling. for once i cycled so far. it seems as though with every cyccling trip i go, i will surpass my previous record. we had a sumptous dinner... somehow i feel that i spend alot of money hanging out with osle people... where we waited for one another, and for once i felt so blissful being part of this group. like i was safe where they are.


this afternoon i napped.
and i awoke with a stark realisation.
i dreamt of a large grandstand with chairs, and swivel tables (like those in NY's lecture),
i was scampering up the flights of stairs knocking against the side tables... and sitting there was my secondary 2 Home economics teacher Mrs Yeo. She motioned for me to sit beside her, and i realised she was dressed in NCC Air's signature blue uniform. i recalled she was previously the teacher incharge of ncc air.
In the field below to the left, i'm not gonna describe the entire event so prominent in me, to you. Just that i passed by 2 stranger boys and i went down the grandstand to the second level where madeline and eileen were, where this long haired girl sat in fronta me.
then i awoke and i wondered what this dream meant.
i thought about my Dreams Explained book bought from Borders bookstore that depicts meanings of dream using keywords.
But. am i gonna search for 'long hair' 'stranger' 'CCA' 'grandstand' or blah? what would it mean piecing these information together? it wouldnt didnt make sense.
I realised some thoughts need no explainations, some questions can never be answered, and some crazy mind to be remained a mystery?
this dream cannot be depicted. It just contains strays of beings, what i loved, acquainatnces and probably some traces of issues affecting me recently.
my dream book seems like a white elephant now, now it seems so ridiculous interpreting my thoughts from a book.
just let them roam.
let my dreams roam free.


yet this time round they were all unfamilair faces. even of strangers.
they were'nt Greeny faces anymore.
how, did i picture the faces of these Strangers?


i need to work.
i have to go out to catch up with them.
i got to revive my momentum in studies.
i got to save money. i know what to do.


have i really moved on?



Greeny gang, BBq on 28th, SUNDAY can? because 29th NY councillors cant make it.


ay.starsplash.stranger

Aurina's questionaire from her blog! omg, its so lengthy! why would they ask such questions! LOL!


01.Single, unavailable, naked or flirt?
Single! XD

02.Are you happy with that?
Okay with it. =)

03.Would you still kiss your ex?
Do you think i will?

04.Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes.

05.Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?
of course!!! is lying cheating? yes!

06.Have you ever talked about marriage?
Er, that seems so far far away...

07.Do you want children?
Actually i wont want but i need to give my parents a grandchild to make them happy since i'm the only child.

08.How many?
2! So the first one need not learn to lead a no-sibling life like me.

09.If someone like you now, would you want them to tell you?
lol! shouldnt they?

10.Do you want someone you can't have?
No, i will be the one suffereing what!

11.Have you ever been in love?
maybe? maybe i'm too noob to understand that word haha!

12.Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
YES! just like our GREENY ANNUAL GATHERING!!!!!! SO FUN! AND ITS A PROMISE WE ALL MUST KEEP!!

13.Does your ex still have feelings for you?
How i know? No more la.

14.Do you believe in long distance relationship?
No, that's a tad too far fetched.

15.Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes, but we wont know that person's character right? yes!

16.Are you perfect?
Of course NOt!

17.Are you tall?
I'm average only la.

18.Are you in your pyjamas?
no... i dont wear pyjamas.

19.The last friend you saw?
OSLE mingsze.

20.Last talked on phone to?
With my BFF ( is that best friend forvever?), my best male friend kianlam!

21.Last person to text you?
Guanyi!!! =)

22.Favourite Number?
12! my birthday!

23.Colour?
purple, silver.... bronze.. clasasy yeah? haha

24.Food?
Four leaves coffee pastry, 5 for $ 2.80! very expensive!

25.What was the first thing you did this morning when you got up?
eat breakfast, brood over thailand's chaos...

26.Do you have anything bothering you?
yes!!!! OSLE... gonna be cancelled, verdict out today! i'm so SAD!!!!!!!

27.Whats the last movie you watched in the theatres?
High school musical 3, for 3 bucks guanyi working at GV!!!

8.Where is the last place you went?
School!!!!! everyday go school! and then cant go thailand! humph!

29.Do you smile a lot?
if i'm not smiling, i will be emoing.

30.Do you wish upon stars?
YES!!!!!!! they used to be very special to me, magical miracle beings... now they have started to diminish...

31.Are you a friendly person?
depends if the other person deserves my friendliness!

32.Where did you have your sleep last night?
Of course on my bed la!

33.When was the last time you cried?
Just before doing this quiz, while typing the earlier post.

34.What was your last thoughts before going to bed?
Tired!! sleep sleep!!!!

35.Rate life as of it now,one being bad, ten being great?
six. because i cant go thailand i am so sad =(

36.What do you hear right now?
Colby o donis Just Dance dance song! (blog song)

37.Is anything hurting you right now?
hmmm.. physical or emotional? no physical currently.

38.What your favourite month?
december - christmas!!! feb - CNY!!! angpaos!!! money1

39.Are you missing someone right now?
used to , not anymore.=)

40.Are you tired?
No. i'm sad.

41.Are your parents still married?
yes, but they arent close anymore.

42.Real name?
Yeo Li Min Anna a.k.a
ay.starsplash

43.Eye colour?
Black!

44.Male or Female?
Female

45.Crushing?
No one.

46.Hair Colour?
Black

47.Sweats or jeans?
Sweats are for dancing.. Nice slender jeans! black in colour! =)

48.Phone or Camera?
Phone. I'm not photogenic!

49.Health freak?
Nope, but i dont wnat to grow any fatter!

50.Righty or Lefty?
Righty

51.Smoke or drink?
Nope, i'm very guai one okay!

52.First best friend?
Carline lim!!!! sec sch friends

53.First enemy?
In P3, chew jia ying, but no more already.

54.First vacation?
Penang! but i dont rememebr anything except i was hungry onboard the flight.

55.Eating?
later!!!

57.Listening to?
All i want for christmas by Mariah Carey!

58.Plans tomorrow?
find job. emo over OSLE.

59.Your other half...Lips or Eyes?
Face! a little too fat and round like a bun.

60.Your other half...Shorter or Taller?
Taller abit will do =)

61.Romantic or Spontaneous?
Middle can.

62.Sensitive or Loud?
Middle can?

63.Hook-up or being in a relationship?
orh... see what comes hahaha!!!

64.Have you ever...Drank hard drinks?
what is hard drinks?

65.Have you ever...Lost glasses or contacts?
i lost my coin purse in p3...

66.Ran away from home?
No. havent tried.. haha!

67.Broken someone's heart??
yes.

68.Been arrested?
No!

69.Do you like someone?
No. no time to think of that.

70.Are you seriously happy with where you are in life now?
you asked seriously happy...
Nope!

Tag 6 ppl to do this quiz :
1) cheryl low
2) eileen
3) randy bro
4) vishal!!!
5) hunnifa?
6) qingyun!

end! =) wow!

I'm surprised at myself. that i was too busy and tired to even tear yesterday despite the sad news. and i thought i have recovered from the setback and stopped brooding over it after aday.
But you know what mum did????? she just keeps emphasizing on the chaos over there and keeps saying and saying, and this morning she even sent me a long message about the happeneings back there and asked me to forward to my friends! WTH! I am already this heartbroken, and she still like adds oil to fuel and blowing it so very big!!!! that, i almost just broke down in tears of anguish. i'm literally hitting the keyboard and venting all of it out....!!!! and like that, she sounds angry with me in her sms... whatever... i am sad and why cant you ever be more Sensitive and make me better... Did you know i was sad? Did you know i was unusually quiet yesterday evening? Did you know i struggled hard to conceal my welly eyes? Did you know how my friends who called me and messaged me comforted me? Did you know, how, till late yesterday afternoon, i still held that weak spark of hope, that it wouldnt be cancelled, that i attempted to escape from reality? How i try not to be emo lest you scold me for my moodswings. Are you so busy to even notice these? or am i just acting like an insensible child amidst your working woes and joys like you accused me in your sms?
i know you meant well, to persuade me to give up. but i AM DEPRESSED. i needed comfort, and i struggled to tell you how sad i was. is this the ignorance of your insensitivity towards me.
this time i cry, this is worse than disappointment over the cancelled trip, how my mum has disappointed me.
I am sad.
Is it this tough, being your child?

i wonder why yesterday morning i still blogged happily about OSLE and even changed my songs to suit the mood, like i always do, and later in school this news that the trip might be cancelled just came BA BA BOOM! and i know its the end. Its due to the chaos in Bangkok, the airport is closed down, flights are cancelled and blah.
just when i have mentally prepared myself for the insects attack and the chilly cold to be expected, just when i have gained my strength to lug the haversack, just when i have prepared everything. Its not the money spent on items bought.
Its the metal strenth cut, like a taut rope.
Just when i really feel Belonged (after such awhile) and a part of them, hanging out together after dismissal...

Fine then. i'll go work. I'll study in the mornings and work in the afternoons. i will study. I'll go out with my friends. I'll attend redcross activities, i will attend redcross's anniversary dinner. I will attend uncle's son's wedding dinner otherwise i'll be in chiang rai; though i'm really fond of attending wedding dinners, this thought has failed to cheer me up. It aint enough, to make up for my lost strength overnight.

I'm blessed with lovely friends. Yesterday, my best friend KL called me and we chatted. and guanyi messaged 'how are you!' and peiling enquired about my trip.
maybe its time i took that many steps, to play my part in sustaining the bonds, and stop waiting upon others. i will not be like them, like what my friends tell me they are the ones sustaining a friendship with another, that if they do not initiate a call or a message, the other person will forget about them.
Is everything I'm in such a flop?
ay.starsplash... ...


can i swear?
Damn It.

Listen to Just Dance by Colby O Donis!
the type of long lost dance songs i used to listen to, but its on 987 now!

Since my computer spoilt 1 week ago, i dont know how to blog anymore, like everything is too routine for me to blog such trivialities... i will post pics when i return... my large haversack, that mum says ' dont tumble backwards when you carry it ar!'..
the unrest in bangkok is driving mum hysteric! asking me to make sure the place is safe, whether the flight is postponed..
I DONT WANT to postpone!!! i want to come back early, and study and play and do my own things and go out at my freewill!!!!
i've been going to school EVERY SINGLE DAY since promos ended, and hopefully today shall be the final day... haiz.
I've been feeling stressed recently... Red cross demands the year plan and budget and i just got to do it on my own, yet since the com went cukoo... and OSLE - I DONT KNOW HOW TO PACK!!!!! its like i take out all my clothes and sit in the pool of clothes and stuff and i go 'where do i start, pack what first'... There's one thing i am always proud of myself, that for every camp, i bring the least things and have the lightest bag! =) yeah!!! i am confident of gaining that title again this time round haha...!

can i swear?
darn it!!!
my 3 wisdom tooths popped out!!!! O M G!!!! first upper and lower teeth came out and i thought it was an ULTRA intoxicating ulcer.. so i applied healing powder for a month but it never healed. then there appears a white hard spot, and i gotto chew all my food on the otehr side of my mouth. now the other sides pops oen out!!!! oh my oh my! Luckily i wont be enjoying KFC in thailand else how am i gonna bite??? pain pain pain!!!!!!

SAKURA! SEOUL GRADEN!!!! i'm so looking forward, to celebrate christmas!! =)
okay i'm gonna complete some RC stuff now, blog tomorrow, when i regain my blogging routine =)


ay//

There are moments i've trudged alone
but i survived -
i recall dear monsy's poem
" just look up to the stars and i'll be on my way "
yet this oath
needs no fulfilment (it will never be) -
to come Alive.

A melody weaves around me
like a net encapturing.
i only see myself
in those scenes i picture diminishing.

So long since birth i've been alone.

The chalet,
lingered traces of my brother!
i did miss kingkong bro,
before you go.
I would materialise the reunion
or so i have said...

Recently
I've lost myself completely,
giving myself to the tunes
that i can no longer hear what YOU are saying.

Sometimes when i feel all alone
i know there's these people
that so miraculously reaches
to take me in.
and then i think of people
i've hurt and lost, and loved
i want to make up to them, hold on,
tell them: Its YOU and YOU and YOU
that still recur
Persistently in my dreams.



yesterday i argued with mum because my sms exceeded the limit. even though i just passed her the extra money i have overspent, she never let it rest, she will not. do you feel surprised i pay for the exceeded bills on my own? its my life and i'm used to it. and there was this gigantic insect that flew into the living room two nights ago, i was so angry and frightened i threw my temper. and i realised there's still a gap in some areas mum hasnt succeeded in gaining my trust in.
yesterday.
i was glad i forgot about somebody. although it was a little too late i eventually did it. It rained, trapping me at home.

the previously-ultra-self-aware-myself, see through people. i see how people feel left out, how the entire weight is thrust onto that person, how mean people are.
i am so sad i will be leaving for chiang rai so soon, sooner than i know it. Its NINE days from today. How i will miss all the Greenies, and my home sweet home.
probably there's one consolation which is that teh OSLE team i am in sings GG songs like little kids - like i once was... because there are 3 guides, including myself and this enthusiastic girl edna, who learns these songs from church.

i wonder how i survived the previous holidays at home...

i cannot wait for Christmas, and greeny BBq, and to work to earn money and all the outings...
i want to return from ChiangRai, then i can finally settle down.
i realised i havent settled down a bit since promos ended or whatever not... like this year drifted pass so swiftly i havent captured any memories. Fine, let me understand when its too late, like people always do...

my computer aint fixed. school com.
i'm counting down.
ay.starsplash.


there's GG camp at amkss later on. we are all going =) the six of us. =)

omg! in school the entire day for osle on a sat!!!
i played the games we planned and screamed like a 4 year old...
tmr randy celebrating louis's birthday, maybe i'll go out play! XD
maybe!
=)

thank you dear friends!

Some words are forbidden to be said. if these taboo words are said, those worse-off than me would throw stones. They would criticise behind my back.
But.
This is my blog.
Sometimes i thought my blog would be blocked, only Invited eyes can read it... those people who know who i am.
Sometimes i really Only want greeny eyes to see them. Because they will know what's wrong with me.

when we called cheryl low over. she merely said afew words and left. i wondered why she was that lil' bit hostile today.
maybe. Its for the same reason.

I left school together with Goddess Auri.
you know why she's called goddess?
she is my goddess.
she asked what my aim/expectation had been.
i replied - "nothing".
and her next response was " i know this feeling... "
and that, was the sole comfort
i kept.
i believd her. i know she understands.
when i couldnt even explain my inexplicable emo upon seeing my grades.
when i gave up trying to explain to guanyi why i was sad.

Auri and i walked along a secluded long path to the mrt station.
it was safe.
i smiled, an expression i need not mask to hide from this goddess
maybe she doesnt know how much it meant.
but i am utterly grateful she was there.
when i tried so hard to escape from the classroom.to just look away from everyone else.
without them throwing pebbles at me despite me scoring better than them.
and randy bro's message.
their gifts no amount of thankyous can repay.
Do i have the right to be sad?


i wondered about fleeting happiness.

mum knows that i am sad. for i was very quiet, and i havent hid at my desktop writing away since awhile now
so i'm gonna hide this book
lest she picks it up
and peep.

ay.starsplash.x

I found GOLD at the library yesterday.
i chanced upon the fourth book - the continuation of a 4 book series of the Books of Pellinor...
it has been more than a year since i have recalled this story...
and this book just refreshes all the characters so alive in all the 3 previous books... that's what i call a good book... one that reminds you of the prominent charcters in the long-time-ago books, without telling you their stories all over again.
guess i'm probably speaking Greek to some of you.. haha!

last night shopping for groceries at NTUC with mum, i suddenly got so excited you know!!!! i was like opening all the airconditioned fridges at the coldstore and checking out all the prices of the frozen food........ for GREENIES' bbq!!!!! omg! i'm so excited! i dont know why... but i just love planning the food and everything... =) even if the others arent happy and i get scolded and blah, i dont care! because i'm happy doing it! =) it depends who i'm doing it for too... do you think i will go through these trouble for my class? when in the end i can anticipate only 5 turning up... nah! i've never even thought about it... well, maybe next year i will... maybe next year i will begin loving my lcass, when its too late, but just let it be...

that's all for now, gonna go school later for results... bless bless!
ay.starsplash.

that night i listened to Why by secondhand serenade, that emo song that never fails to make me emo...
i sweared not to hear it anymore, but i needed to calm my senses! haha!
and i realised i havent thought of you recently, that is Good! =) yeah!
and yesterday i went to this chapel to teach the kindergarten kids to test out our OSLE lesson plans... well, wealthy kids are rebellious...
and i kinda have this stark realisation how masak-masak arent kids pasttimes anymore.. how thsi girl is a child-model, and already exposed to the harshness of the adult world... i felt that Lost, so depressing. when she is making big bucks while i was still setting up my own stalls at home selling plastic bags, rubber bands, anything, for paper pseudo money... ... (playing with myself).
and listening to why, it made me realise how i neglect or exaggerate the many nitty-gritties around me...

tmr we'll get back our results! i'm excited. i just want to know how i have fared.
after all, its still me.
no one else, but
me, myself and I.
good luck AY! =)
and i dont believe in luck.
boom!

i'm feeling abit crazy today...
friends! you have a large haversack to lend me? very big one!

had my vaccination today...
my left arm is feeling Numby, and there's this tingly burning sensation every now and then...
i wont risk lifting up my long arm.. =P haha...

today went to J8 for a discounted movie tix together with huiru and Guanyi - who is our cinema maid over at GV! we watched the oh-so-hyped-about high school musical 3... oh gosh... all the sudden dancing, and cheesy lovey dovey and hmmm.... Flamboyant costumes you call it? haha!
It stands no chance of reaching the epitome of my favourite movies record like that of the Lord of the rings and Connected... nonetheless, it is a suiatble watch for leisure, and the only thing i can compliment about is the catchy song Now or Never! the song i loved when i first heard it broadcasted over the radio (let me clarify, not because of the movie alright!) haha!

okay okay... i'm gonna book the bbq pit soon, gotten quite a number of welcoming responses from fellow greenies! =) yeah!!! i'm excited you know.

today i awoke and felt like i didnt know what to do at home.. there was nothing to do at home... nothing to bother.
and there's osle tomorrow from 8am!!! oh no... =(
i want to rest at home..
spent too much money everyday.
stop eating and spending ay!!!oh no!!!!
BUT. what do you do to catch up with friends? over a meal or just window shopping right? or going somewhere like sentosa, and we'll still ahve to pay and get hungry!!! =(
oh no!!!!

humph.
It shall start form tomorrow.
no more spending!
X)
//ay.starsplash.

there's this movie on tv - hide and seek tmr night, remember to catch it at 10pm!

TODAY
pw finally ended in my entire life of JC. alright, how relieved i am.
my group and i headed to orchard for a night stroll, and passing by Chanel's Boutique, didnt make us like her even more... there was still this minor pang of phobia, that i do not wish to associate with her ever again. Never again.
Yet i am still greatful and amazed at Mdm Ainon, who has guided us upon the right path, such that we could salvage this originally sucky project... till what it is today.
Our presentation was considered the best of the 3 among the 3 groups in that specific assesment room, and we are proud to say it. =)
like i have mentioned, sometimes it is nice, to just be blind for awhile, and smile at the good things people do.
yes, my group members are getting along so well now... we went to orchard after OP to celebrate. In fact we couldnt believe this ordeal was over, as though so soon.. like i was just standing before the assesors during Q and A, and now, it is over!!! YEAH!
yes, my wealthy - but generous - burmese groupmate treated us to a Myanmar Restaurant in peninsular Plaza near raffles city... because he got promoted to J2!!! haha! it was yummy! the prawn in chilli sauce didnt taste chilli-like... and the porky black bean paste was so meaty!!! and the onion fritters was crunchy and yummy! the entire restaurant was quite empty, we had almost the entire aisle to ourselves, and i havent eaten so luxuriously for a long long time... =)
it felt like the ferris wheel is taking forever to turn, and that's the happiness i felt today=)
Thinking back, during promos, nothing mattered to me. Not osle, not pw, no life, nothing. after promos, everything on my mind was pw, i Needed it to end desperately. but now, i'm feeling that slightest tinge of anticipation to Chaing Rai! =)
probably its because i visited TERMINAL 3 with mum and aunt yesterday! it was my maiden visit there, while aunta nd mum loved walking along the shops. Man! it was no joke... can you imagine how S.l.o.w.l.y. they were walking, their 1 step would be equivalent to me having taken 10 of my normal steps! till i had to just S.T.O.P and wait for them to walk up to me... oh gosh... haiz... but it was a pleasant leisure stroll... havent felt so free, nothing signifant to bother about, for a moment, not even PW. but i'll be visiting that place again very soon.. on the 29th November... i will definitely miss all of you. if i dont, i'm not anna yeo.
somehow, this thought flashed through my mind, that the airport is indeed a very sad place to be, where people blah blah....
okok...

26 days till i leave...
and i'm wondering if Greeny Gang will really turn up for the bbq on the 29th of December... its been so long, i dont know many of them anymore... and their priorities and commitments have been diverted.
there's this edge of sceptism within me.
Correct me.

i dont want that same feeling, like everything shattered and is left broken.
and this little thing has the ability to destroy every tiny wish i have for this new christmas.

=) ay.starsplash =)

hmm.. its a nice day today!!!!
and tmr will be going St gabriels' sec for CIP, i'll be a game master!!! XD
and then mum, aunt and i will go to Changi Airport terminal 3 for a nice meal!!! =)
aunt is treating me hahahaha....
and monday, OP shalll end!!
i bet you i will blog 1 entire page of PW IS OVER... XD
haha..
we will meet at 8.30 for Macdonald's braekfast, then op from 12.30 to 4pm.. then yemin will treat us to KFC because he will be promoted!!! haha...
that wealthy Myanmar kid...

sometimes when you try to be blind and only see the nice sides of Everyone,
its a nice feeling! =)

ay.starsplash
life is turning for the better!