dear journal,
today i almost succumbed to the DEVIL within me to leave the school after the the break to go J8 for lunch and popular...
but i went to inform lilan nonetheless, for i cannot forget about her, as we've planned to go out together.
and guess what?
she encouraged me to attend the lectures for just 2 more hours before sch shall end.
and so, as i have promised to go buy asses books with her, I DIDNT PON SCHOOL!!!!!
and i felt so happy after that! =) haha!

okay, tomorrow i will only have 2 lessons so i want to go cycling... but nobody wants to go excpet FUNGI!!! anyway... see, i'm becoming bad to skip the talk in the hall again..... =(
and today i broke MY RULE oh god! punish me- i shall not eat for 2 days.
- to not come online till friday, because earlier on i signed in in msn , then checked my mail, then i felt guilty so i appeared offline.
but i didnt talk to anyone...
yet i still came online.... a whole bunch of excuses! yea...

sorry HUIRU!!!! if you are hurt... haha
but that was the way i felt, always the way i have felt back in amkss and everywhere what people comment about me.
but i'm different and i dont fit into anywhere easily as and when i like... =(
everytime ppl say sth i just listen and i reflect. yea.
but dont worry, i dont take it to heart, i will be fine after Emoing. SERIOUS!!!! =p !
just that previously, when i see,
DEVIL KILLS ME, WHEN I THINK OF YOU.


i went out with lilan to J8 today and it felt so fun, for i hadnt been with her for a long long time....
everyone says they miss amkss now....
but do we still have a reason to return there?

ay.starsplash.my devil still dwells. within.
xxxxxxxx. i broke my RULE!!!!!!

dear journal, today they said i talk and walk like ah lians.
i promise never to mention the word SIAO again... and type singlish....
and play with the other amk girls who are so sporty and pervertic...
yucks!
i shall hang out with innocent cheryl tan!!!!!!!
then i wont be influenced by monsy and accomplices' actions...
then i can spend time with my new friends jiayi! =)
haha...
then i can revise my work and noone will say i'm mugging.
and why do they do that..... =(
i WILL PROVE THEM WRONG!
I SHANT BE AN AH LIAN!!!!!
all because nanyang jc is so slack.....
=(

ay.starsplash.repenting!

NO MORE PLAYING... =(
we can do it! XD
ay.starsplash.

GOT INTO H1 GEOG
H2 BIO, CHEM AND MATHS!
LOL!!!
my angel is so shuai !!!!hahaha... omg!

today... play day.
mingwei say i become ah lian... =(
sob sob...
peiqi say i talk like ah lian... boohoo! =(

i shall stay secluded form now on.
NO MORE BAD INFLUENCES...
I WILL ATG ALONG GODDESS AURINA...
you la, black monsy, intoxicate me!!!!!

okay, no more ah lian, i shall improve my english by speaking more bombastic words... like
....... er... bombalistic... lolol!!!
ay.starsplash.
oh yea, went back amkss for guides thinking day but there was no training... haiz....
wasted today...
i was so excited...... =(...

dear journal,
today is orientation 2 and it was dead boring!!! new friends can never beat old ones... and my new good friend mingwei is gonna appeal to ajc... i know he will enetr, making us all so sad. =( i wished not. because we have all been here since PAE, i wished we were all together...
just felt so downcasted teh entire day, yet i still have to put up a psedo hyper front - when ma'am jocelyn asked why u looked so glum... why as an acl, i was not hyper...
then i went to her and explained that - i was not teh acl. i'm a PL. dont say i look like her anymore... sickening.

people say i look like so many other people. am i losing my own identity? taht people might not know who i am anymore...

i regret terribly not being an OGL. for the worse mistake in NYJC that i ahve ever committed to myself... i see my friends palying so carefree as big bosses and sisters... i'm stabbed with envy. where i cant be as high a sthem because ppl around me arent so... =(
i have learnt never to go with the flow...
i will be strong and independent after this incident. i'm gonna register for the environmental course on my own.
i wont wait for others anymore.

sch starts tmr, we'll all be so busy... that every worthless stray thought will just burst, as a bubble does as it rises into the sky....

my angel is an bengish, no la, just that kind act cool type. yeah. quite scary.yet mysterious things tug at me, but they always turn out the other way as time goes by... i accept it in my stride.toblerone was sweet. that i will eventually treat someone like that as my big brother, just like randy bro - but radny bro far surpasses it... i wished that the angel-mortal game would continue... that angels and mortals continue caring for each other like INVISIBLE FRIENDS. i wonder what many drafts might mean to make sure they are perfect for... another...invisibility is a blinds all ills and uglyness one might percieve...

today i was disappointedi thought there wouldnt be a reply but there was.i regretted today.i got to hide myself from a stranger from now on...

ay.starsplashhow did i feel todayterrible.and my ankle made me feel like a mutant....

wanted to go watch jumper! but its all boys...
wanted to go cycling... who can make it...
wanted to go buy school uniform, but they dont want!
omg!!!!!!! school si beginning, no more relaxation...
and today at school just feels like the last day before school hlidays...
went hoem to sleep then read my storybook, omg! so thick!
and then dinner, then watched this submarine movie, omg! so sad, wrenches my heart to realise what patriotism and comrade sacrificial is...
I ADMIRE PEOPLE in the NAVY!!!!!!
haha...
okay, tmr gonna go rub my sprained ankle for 2 months....
oh god!
and
randy bro is coming nyjc!!!!
yeah!
haha, byebye!
ay.starsplash

i told a lie today.
i'm feeling so terrible.
=(
omg.
ay.devilwithinme
xxxxxxx

oh god!
its getting mashed and messy!
yucks.
but its okay!
friends are friends, and i just got to know you better!
i feel you such a good friend now...
haha, 2 years ago i thought you were scheming!
haha

ay.starsplash.xx

today is valentines day cum friendship day!!!!!
so happy exchanging gifts, okay, not SO.
but alright.,
nothing can be compared to a 4 year friendship with my amkss friends, love and miss all of you.
even though i might scold you all,
i want you all to be better people!
today in nyjc.....
wellllllll.....
okay, it was....
xxxx! haha....
first you ignored me then you said it was yummy.
you told me but i couldnt find.
you said you were sad... but over a small thing.
i said it wasnt fun but i left school early.
you said i owed you cookies last year but you didnt come.
grateful hug - i stalled.
i dont know you but you gave me sth.
i hate you. stalker. yet youstill gave me sth!
yucks.
see, everything is in bits and pieces today.
i'm going off to aunt's house.
i fell in love with korean show MY girl.
he's so shuai!!!! haha...
ay.starsplash.yucks.
stop looking, you stalker!!!!
i hate you.
dont let me gorge out your eyes...
and the whole momo gang is like coming to read my blog.
it doesnt matter, i wont see you all again anyway...
its the truth i feeel.
dont tell me i must hide and conceal my feelings
even if i want others to know....
thank you serene for the note.
i feel something strongly too.
but i havent put them into words.
thnak you jiayi for always looking for me.
a hug - but i was scared! haha...
stupid me. xxx

omg!!!
school work is so tough, i'm struggling with almost everything!!!!
and i rush home to revise to get things done, imagine they clogg up and then... i will die!!!! when more comes in!!!
so sad!!!
valentines day is coming, and i cant give my 2/5 and 4/5 friends chocolates anymore!!!!
last year i gave almost every good friend and acquaintance i ahve known for 4 years....
haiz...
i wont give beloved tse wei anymore!!! hahahaha!
and all my pally girl friends...
anyway...
this years' V day will be different, without the surrounding of good old friends....
and...
she walked away from me and ignored me afew times today...
maybe i'm not good enough a friend for her,
nevermind, i wont open up to anyone anyway...
i just take them as come and go...
and i am glad there JIAYI!!! and SERENE and RJ!!! who always looks for me!
i am so grateful!

=)
i'm gonna pon gp seminar/presenattion on thursday, because my group ppl are slackers who escapes the look of the teacher...
anyway,
happy friendship day, may ourr bonds last forever,
how i wanna type out everyone's names!

aurina
louisa
surong
kianlam
peiqi
cheryl low
lilan
weilin
RANDY BRO!!!
amanda
jingjing
qingyun
daveperrysam
mingwei
xunhao
jiajin
guanyi
tommy
zaiyou
and many more!
ohoh, cheryl tan!!!
haha....
i cant remembeand type anymore..
these are my old friends..
gotto go, byebye!

ay.starsplash.i'mfinenow.

and NOT forgetting my beloved OG FRIENDS!

dear journal
it was the most terribiest experience i have ever had...
that momo, the sucky momo stepped into my house, my shelter safe from the world's evil clutches...
monsy didnt tell me properly that she was coming!!!1
she merely said momo gang...
and when i saw her...
i almost had the urge to stop her.
she was the first person i openly declared that i cursed her - fuck you.
and the second person whom i ahve ever named- sucker.
i dont call ppl these humiliating names...
except those that ruined me, ruined everything.
the strays.
YOU and YOUR best friend, who are hypocrites, who dislike each other yet are still the best of friends...
the only one, YOU, whom i have ever scolded ina page of F in red words, because you thwarted me....
until my teacher who read came to ask if i were fine...
who are you to manipulate me...
i tried to stop but i'm too weak, that you overpower me, to make me HATE you.
i thought things might have rested time and again, but you expose yourself...
how can i let go?
I'M SO GLAD I WONT HAVE TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN.
AND i once told my best friends that i will NOT enter the same school as YOUR BEST FRIEND!
and yes, i'm not... and i will not, because i am in NYJC, not AJC.
and even if YOU enter RJC, good, so i wont meet intellectuals like you anymore.
PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO SMART TO KNOW HUMAN INSTINCTS.
seriously.
i have never used these vulgarities on anyone, but YOU - girls.
or bimbos? or lians? no, not bimbos, because you all are smart, but those who suck and laugh like the whole world tumbles....
i almost wnated to diao monsy...
wanted to scream at her for what she has done...
but i did not, because she IS MY FRIEND.
i wanted YOU to shut up and get OUT!
even if monsy was the chief...
she wouldnt be like this if she were if goddess auri and I, because we havediscipline, and we know etiquette.
unlike you mugger corpses.
one day you will realise what you ahve done to people to make yourself a shrimp.
i dont curse people, but you have thwarted who i am, into what i am today,
i hate you.
dont let em see you or i might pull you apart.
its because...
YOU were there. Its all YOUR fault.


i wished my good friends were still here to understand and know me, that they will tell me its alright.
i'm still thinking.
of you-
i waited but, i was merely dreaming. a wish.
thank you louisa dear to listen to me, taht you are the only one i have left with now.
its sad, pathetic, but as least i have you, who arent with me all the time.
i wished we will not drift.
momo gang can maintain this friendship for a long time, but are tehy true?
they accompany each other, that's all.
i feel miserable that YOU have each other.
i'm glad i wont see you all ever again.


i feel much better now.
alot better.
this morning, i was still feeling remorseful.
for throwing a stranger's sharperner down from the bed to see if it might break...
and it did.
the stranger teared, and still told me its okay, and let me play with it.
the stranger was a few years my junior.
i saw her at aunt's house yesterday.
she stared at me.
- do i know you? -
i am guilty.
for so long.
but she has become lian, with red skinnies and black and red nail polish.
she wouldnt accept my remorse anymore.
because she doesnt care anymore.
it was more than 8 years back.
yet i cried last year when i still recalled.
on my bed, dark. dark.
never have i let it rest.
tell me i can forget it.
i did it deliberately.
because i was selfish.
because i am dumb and am a noob.
i have to repent forever.
she is merely my friend's illegitimate sister.
she was a stranger.
she teared.
i realised there was my devil all along.
ay.starsplash.
i'm going to wang lao shi's house for visiting tomorrow.
the excitement is gone, because i am now afraid.
i will see HER again.
i will spit at her.
i will say sorry to my stranger.
if only i could.
xxxxxxxx

wow!!!!!! the fire ball!!!!!
haha



i'm taking a pic of her, while she is taking one of me! haha

look at jeremy!!! doesnt he look as chubby as a koala!!

look at his arms!!!

he's so fat and naughty and BAD i tell you!!!!

that i can never not quarrel with him

whenever we visit them at aunt's house...

my nephew jeremy and niece justina!

young kids playing with fire!!!

my well preserved sparklers!

i'm too old to play with it, so, i took pictures!

haiz.... children get so fascinated with 2 burning splints...

when i held one, i didnt know what to do with it!!!

hahaha

consists of 2 tables joined together

and there were 2 steamboats!

the wide array fo food!!!!

but guess what!!! mum forgot to bring out the

pack of dumplings she bought, so we had no dumplings for steamboat... X(

the length of the reunion dinner tables,

not too long, because of camera effect,

but there were about 16 - 17 people...

my niece and I!!!

she calls me xiao xiao yi yi!!! haha...

this girl is vain!! haha

okay!!! sunday go wang lao shi's house, then louisa and guys shall come my house!!! haha...

excited... anyway....

come back soon randy bro!!!!!

and i miss cycling at east coast park... really do.

ay.starsplash.

where are you?

havent heard, for so long...

its not long my dear.

am i dreaming?

yes i am.

stop thinking.

its getteing out of control.

i cant control.

this urge.

that others have realised long ago.

i feel it now.

this urge that

make me hope...

blankly.

nice people.

friends.

knowing you.

devilish mind.

the devil within me.

making me struggle.

causing me madness.

what hurts the most.

today is thursday!!!1 2nd day of visiting! gosh!!! i'm so shag, god! i sleep so much at night and during the day!!! and my homwork is still not done at all, not abit, but nevermind, i shall mugg tomorrow! hahaha, and on sunday, i will probably go to wang lao shi's house to visit her with 4/5 people!! haha, so excited, but maybe in the end nothing will work out after all, so.....

recently.
i learnt what desperate means.
haha...
random anyway...
fragmented dreams yesterday night.

i read your blog afew days back...
but i feel nothing anymore, i am numbed you know...
after so many years...
and then i'm reading same old thing....
maybe its so tough for you.
i am relieved....
anyway, i cant care anymore....

some people are so nice......
i cant describe...
maybe they give me the jitters...
maybe i think wild...
but...
let me just bathe in the world of niceness! haha
see ya.....

ay.starsplash.
hoping to catch every minute of you?

omg!!!!
tmr is wednesday!!!!!
i'ms o excited!!!!
i wnat to wear jeans!!!!
and i'm going abck to amkss!!!!
i'm so excited!
i think i'm going to arcade with dave and gang!!!!
and i wnat to eat macdonald's breakfast!!!!
i feel like eating so much!!!!
and....
chinese new year!!!
i can have my sweets buffet soon!!!!!!!
yea!!!!!
haha
ay.starsplash.
red.red.red!

deleted many things from my yesterday's post.
i've emoed, its gone.
i've moved on.
felt weird still, this morning, like something amiss.
but i found out the crux of my emotion and jotted them down in my journal before i'm lost again!haha
and i am grateful that jajin guided me around in AJC yesterday.
it's kinda weird for me, a girl to follow him around, but we have to be brave! haha...
and he's so hardworking and thoughtful
and i recall the letter he wrote for weilin... haha!

i'm torn between 2/5, 4/5 and OG 19...
i have ideas for outings, but who should i call?
they all seem so vulnerable if i dont meet up with them soon, they'd disintegrate from my world...
so who should i call?
sigh...
in JC, there's so much to do, so little time...
and so tough to keep this pace and maintain the strained friendships...
=) i can do it!

ay.starsplash.
it takes so long for me to know how true ppl are.
and it takes 1 and a half years for them to know me.xxx

my inexplicable emo.

i search for myself - in the depths
the world racing through my vison.

i'm holding onto nothing - You?
oblivious to what i am seeing...
i searched for you to talk to.
but there's no one, just substitutes,
They still cant replace, no, not yet,
with the forced aquaintainship built.

Forced.Forced smile.
how long have i not been alone?
it was peaceful today. lovely.
TRUE - like i have always known...

Acquaintances - they hurt me today.
but
i did not say.

Counsellor said - I live for myself.
and i make myslef proud.
I'm feeling, so thwarted.
like a pencil, broken.

when we leave, we grieve.
when we say goodbye, then we understand why
there were times meant for us
to make up for our lies.

back in alma mater,
strangers never talked.
right here, we are lost.
so we befriend all behind closed doors...

as the world drift by,
i see shuffling faces -
they come and go,
i brush past ppl without awareness.

my inexplicable emo.sometimes i just want you all to know.
yet this world is so unforgiving.
i have to be CAREFUL.
its so tedious
many a times, we forgo, and forget.
chose to forget.
my inexplicable emo.

ay.starsplash.xxxxxxxxxx
let acquaintances be acquaintances,
for i have accidentally let them hurt me